Page 86 of Finally Forever
This bathroom must be soundproof, because no one comes to see what happened. They could all be downstairs. I doubt they’d hear me from that far.
My phone vibrates in my pocket.
Kensie: Where are you?
Me: Period cramps. I’ll be down soon.
Kensie: Do you need anything?
Me: I’m good. Thank you!
The text I sent about period cramps has me curious. I pull my phone from my jacket pocket, which is still on, and check the date for my last cycle. I don’t get bad cramps, but I occasionally get mild ones. I also can’t remember the last time I had my period.
Six weeks have gone by. Six weeks! Holy shit. I should have had my period by now. I calm my suddenly racing breath and do the math again to make sure I’m correct.
My head spins. The numbers are right. I’m two weeks late. What does it mean? I can’t be pregnant. The women in my family don’t get pregnant easily. There’s also the fact that Sebastian is leaving me. He doesn’t know me. He’s not my fiancé anymore. I can’t be carrying his baby.
But, oh God, if I were, I would love that baby with all my heart and cherish every moment with him or her.Don’t go there. I could be late for other reasons. Stress. I’ve been under a tremendous amount of it lately. Lifestyle changes. Have had tons of those too. All of these could be reasons for me being late. I place my hand over my lower abdomen. Would I know if I’m pregnant? Would I feel something? I’m not even bloated, and all I feel is heartache and more stress.
I should get a pregnancy test to be safe, but I can’t bring myself to focus on that right now. I’d lose it for sure. And what would Sebastian do? Would he stay because of the baby—if there is one? What if he stayed and everything between us and our child is a lie? He’s proven how well he can play the role of a caring human. What if the baby is targeted by his father—another heir to either mold or kill? I could never bring a child into the world knowing that would be his fate. Hiding, looking over his shoulder, suffering constant anxiety and questioning every look from every person around him—or her.
My stomach aches with real cramps. Dizziness swarms my head, and I force air into my lungs, stopping the onslaught of the panic attack threatening to pull me under. I used to get them a lot in the beginning of my stay in hiding. I’d wake up from nightmares with them and have random attacks during the day when anything or anyone seemed suspicious. It hasn’t happened in a long time.
I’m a disaster.
Think of something safe. Lowell pops into my mind. His bright smile, always genuine. His turquoise eyes, always beaming with light. His consistency. No matter how much his life changes, he stays true to himself. His uniqueness and confidence that drew me to him back in high school.
I don’t know why, but he seems like the only person who I could lay this on, as unfair as it might be to him. He’s the least judgmental person I know. And right now, the thought of him feels like home. The only good left from the past that I lost. He knows me inside and out and can read me almost as well as Sebastian can. With his creative nature and personality, we have the most in common, and he lives in France. If I’m honest, I miss that country and all it has to offer. It, too, felt like home for the brief time Sebastian and I were there.
I need to heal. I need love and peace and acceptance. Kensie is amazing. I have no doubt if I were to confide in her, she would offer to help in any way she could. But she doesn’t know my past, my mother, my family, all that I’ve been through, and who I am deep inside. I’ve kept so much of my life from Lowell because I had to—that and he lived in a different time zone from where I was living during college. Catching up was hard.
I believe fate orchestrated our encounter back in Aix-en-Provence. Maybe it knew life would lead me here. It wanted me and Lowell to reconnect. We always had a special friendship. The kind that time and distance doesn’t diminish.
I was there for him time and time again during high school when he needed a shoulder to cry on and was working through his identity and who he truly was inside. I liked being there for him, and I was elated when he moved to Paris and found himself, along with the love of his life, who accepted him completely. Isn’t that what we all want in life—to be accepted for who we are? Our flaws, behavior, personality, looks, thoughts, beliefs, and everything else in between?
I had that with Sebastian. Now, it’s gone, lost to a brain injury and inner demons he struggles with to this day. I don’t begrudge him for them. His upbringing was horrible and traumatic. He was always broken. I knew it and accepted it. I had his love, and that was more than enough. You can’t force someone to love you, no matter the past you shared. I see that now. I hate it, but I can’t turn away from the glaring truth.
Sebastian is and always will be a slave to his past. We had a moment of pure bliss. I should be thankful for that time. One day I hope to be, but that isn’t today. Today, I’m taking charge of my own life. I control my destiny. I’ll take care of myself and my needs. Sebastian thinks he’s the only one who can leave. I’ll show him.
30
Sebastian
Nathan watches Kensie as she sashays from the living room, headed to finish packing upstairs. The love he has for her oozes from his every pore.
Always the player in college, I never thought he could adore someone in the way he does her.
His smiling face swings in our direction. “Shut up.”
“I didn’t say anything.” Riley shrugs from where he sits on the couch across from Nathan, while I recline on the chair near the oversized fireplace.
I grin. I’m going to miss these two. If things go in my favor, I’ll definitely see them again without the protection of a rented home to keep us safe from threats of my family.
“I know what you’re thinking.” Nathan cocks his head to the side. “I’m whipped, and you know what? I am. She’s the best damn thing that ever happened to me.” He gestures to Riley. “You get it.” Riley nods, that look of nostalgia on his face again.
I snicker.
Nathan glowers at me. “You have nothing to laugh about. You were so whipped you faced your biggest fears and rearranged your life for Ainsley. If you could remember, you wouldn’t be snickering. You’d be nodding in agreement like that sap across from me.” He raises his chin at Riley.
