Page 128 of Reign of Light
The thought crashes through me and opens a pit in my stomach. As I walk toward the mausoleum, the faces of everyone I’ve lost in such a short time flash through my mind.
But I’m not alone. I have Weston, and maybe someday we will see some Castaways again. Edmond may be leaving, and Brynne exiled, but Tila is still here. We will make a new life, one that we want, one that looks like the dreams I’ve always had. As long as I can convince him, like I did before, to stop letting our duty get in the way of what we have, we can have it all.
I did it once, so I can do it again.
Not a single word is uttered, not a prayer or a chant, until the stone door closes. The loud boom rings in my ears and casts the room in silence. It is only then that the first tear falls, and I swipe it away angrily.
I do not want to cry today. How could I? He was a father in name only, and today I’m saying goodbye to the life he created for me. Withthe closure of that stone door, my new life can begin, one that I choose, that he never trusted me to have.
He may have had his reasons, and used his dying breath to at least explain, though not to ask for forgiveness. Deep down somewhere I may even forgive him for it, but it doesn’t change every minute that I felt the effects of his neglect, his ignorance, his pressure. It doesn’t give back everything else that was taken from me over the course of my life. It doesn’t change that he wouldn’t look at me, or speak to me, that he hid me away. It doesn’t change the depths of my loneliness and the constant worry with every person I meet if our relationship is real, or only built on my title.
It doesn’t change the feelings of inadequacy, the fear of doing anything wrong, of being a terrible representation of Blackwood, and because of all that, trying to prove myself with everything I did, only to be shut down.
He may have had his reasons for what he did, and he may have been sorry for them, but that doesn’t invalidate any of what I endured. What Isurvived. And what gave me the strength to do everything I did from the moment I stepped out of that castle.
A heavy sigh escapes my chest, and another tear falls. I swipe it away just as harshly as the first, and stare at the shiny polished stone as the words spoken for my father sound like a low hum in my ears.
I’m jarred from my trance when Weston’s arms wrap tightly around my shoulders. Glancing around the dim room, I realize we are alone, the door just barely cracked behind us. My back sinks into his chest, and he holds me tighter, supporting the weight of this heavy burden on my body, and nuzzling his cheek into my damp hair.
“He never wanted you to go through this, to be a young queen like he was. He never wanted you to carry that burden and have your life devoted to something else.” His voice is low, and the rumble in his chest against my back is comforting.
“Sometimes no matter how bad we want something, it isn’t meant to be,” I whisper.
“In this case, I guess not. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t the way it was supposed to happen.” He presses a kiss to my hair, and we stand clutching each other, staring at the letters of my father’s name, carved into the surface of the stone. There’s a space below it for my mother, ready for her to be buried alongside him, and I feel a pang in my chest.
I don’t wipe the last tear. I let it linger on my cheek as I straighten my shoulders and step out of Weston’s arms. No one will notice it in the rain, and if they do, at least they will know their queen isn’t cold and heartless. They’ll know I am a person, with feelings and loves and cares, the same as them, and hopefully they will know that because I care about mine, I will also care about theirs.
Holding my head high, I descend the stone steps and walk through the aisle of guards lining the path back to the gate. What comes next is extremely important to the kingdom, to the people who came out to pay their respects to their late king.
Now, there’s no one in front of me, no one ahead in line. There’s only me riding in the royal carriage. I round the back of it, feeling Weston come alongside me. He extends his hand, and I take it, feeling the tingle where our skin touches and relishing one of the few times where I can touch him in public without rousing suspicion. Just as I’m about to step into the carriage, he drops my hand and thrusts his body in front of me, blocking me from the view of the crowd.
“Your Majesty!”
The cry reaches my ears, and I know it is coming from somewhere behind, but closer than it should be if it were from the crowd. I turn toward Weston, trying to see past his shoulders as a hooded woman hurriedly approaches the carriage. My heart pounds in my ears, the pace quickening as I try to see who is coming, and why. What would anyone have to say to me, right now of all times? Is this one of the security instances that Weston and Edmond prepared me for? Tension pulls at my shoulders as Weston issues a command.
“Stop right there.” His hand rests on the hilt of his sword, and his shoulders pull back beneath his armor.
“Your Majesty, I’m so sorry.”
That voice. I know that voice.
Then it clicks.
“Mister Rowe, wait.” I rest my hand on his shoulder, hoping it will relax him, and he halts. His body still guards me from the woman now standing in front of him, but he doesn’t look as if he’s going to draw his sword on her. I peer past his shoulder and as she lowers her hood, I find the shocked face of a woman I’ve come to know.
“Estelle,” I breathe, then look to Weston. “She’s alright,” I murmur, “you met her already.” But he doesn’t relax, and instead stays still as a statue between us.
Dropping her gaze, she sinks into a deep curtsey before us. When she rises again, her eyes are still full of shock, her brows drawn in as she stumbles through her words.
“Your Majesty, I am so sorry. I—I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was you.”
I smile softly and her brow relaxes slightly. “It’s alright, Estelle. No one knew. That’s the way I wanted it to be.”
“So,” she says, her head shaking slightly as she pieces it together. “So you’re not Addy. You’re the queen.”
I nudge Weston to the side, and he reluctantly moves, giving me enough room to step to the ground and extend my hand toward her.
“Hi Estelle, I’m Lennox. It’s nice to officially meet you.”
