Page 143 of Reign of Light
“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss into my hair. I don’t watch as he walks away. I can’t bear the sight of it, but when the door clicks behind him, the room falls into a deafening silence.
The last time I was alone like this, in this room, was when Weston left to bring Fin back home.
Fin.
My heart breaks again, as flashes of his smiling face and tight hugs surface in my memory. It feels like a curse that I’m bringing upon myself, as my mind reminds me of every person I will no longer have. Anger bubbles in my chest, but not at Dawnlin.
It’s at myself.
How could I have forgotten such a crucial detail in the bargain I struck? How could I have been so focused on myself, on finding love and family, that I didn’t remember something that would change the course of our entire lives?
If I had, maybe I never would have decided to come back. Maybe I would have followed through with my plan and spoken to the healers instead of the Guardian tonight. I wouldn’t have talked Weston into sneaking me out of the castle and bringing me to the fountain, now that it is so obvious to me he didn’t want to.
I haven’t made a decision. I still could leave here and follow through. I could let her go. But would I? Would Weston even let me?
I know he said it was my decision, but would he accept it? He was worthy the same as I was. One of those vials belongs to him. Even if I say I want to let her go, to let her be with my father, he could still decide to fulfill his promise to his king and use his healing waters to save her.
He would do it so that I didn’t have to suffer without her, but he isn’t considering how much I would suffer if I had to watch him forget. If I had to live every day, watching him serve the crown, serve me, and only remember his life as the First Guard.
Tears well in my eyes and I hug my knees tighter trying to ease the pressure of the gaping hole in my chest.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t live every day watching him forget me and everyone else he cares for. He wouldn’t remember Sig, or Jorn, or how he was the beloved Captain to everyone on this ship.
Without a second thought, he would give up his life for me, again.
But I can’t let him do it, selfishly, but also not.
I never thought I would have to choose between the man I love and the mother I always wanted.
When we found the dust, and decided to go back to my kingdom, I wasn’t expecting to have everyone that was supposed to stand beside me and help me as queen completely disappear. My father, Edmond, Brynne. Almost everyone I trusted, or thought I trusted, is gone.
Weston would never leave his position as First Guard. I know firsthand how much he values his duty and his oath, and he would trust no one else with my protection. He was the one who said that his title is the only thing ensuring that we can be together, in whatever capacity that would allow.
If I say goodbye to my mother, then I say goodbye to the last person who could help me fulfill my potential and ensure I don’t succumb to the pressures and expectations of a new ruler. If I don’t heal her, I have no one left to appoint as an advisor, to give me guidance or direction from their own experience. My kingdom could fall, and it would be entirely my fault.
The only person who has been queen, who knows what it is like and what it requires, is her.
If I let her go, I would be dooming all of my people to the reign of a naïve queen, who only just ever found enough strength to step foot outside the castle walls. There would be no one there to inspire confidence in my people, no one to support and vouch for me, no one to calm the nerves or stop the mistreatment of other kings and queens. We’ve already had one, and that was while my father still sat on the throne. How easily could a mutiny start amongstmyguards if it were just me?
The thoughts swirl in my mind, and bile bites at the back of my throat as I consider it all. How am I supposed to choose between what is best for my kingdom, and what is best for me?
Are they the same?
The sound of clothing hitting the ground beside me pulls me out of my thought spiral. I’d been so lost in my mind that I hadn’t even heard him come back into the room. Weston steps into the tub behind me, slowly sinking into the water and extending his legs on either side ofme. The surface of the water ripples and sloshes around us as he sidles up to me, and I let out a sigh as his lips press firmly into my shoulder. His hands slide up my back, working and kneading the muscles along my spine, before they slow at the base of my neck.
With our disappearance from the castle tonight, I missed my evening dose of the pain medication, but the stiff muscles and soreness has been the last thing on my mind. Tears bite at my eyes when I feel the tips of Weston’s fingers press into the muscles at the back of my neck, slowly circling around to the front, followed by the familiar tingling warmth of the salve.
He hates using the magic that Dawnlin offered us during our time here, but he never hesitated using it for me. I can’t imagine how much it has been gnawing at him, wishing he could do something to help rid me of the injury. He saw his opportunity, and took it, and while it stopped bothering me mentally, at least now I know he is satisfied.
“Thank you,” I whisper, and feel him let out a hot sigh against my skin just as the last tingling of the salve dissipates. He settles his chin into my shoulder, and I tilt my head, resting it against his.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he mumbles, and I feel a pang in my chest. “I didn’t want to influence your decision. It’s not my place to try to persuade you either way, and I didn’t want you to feel like I was.”
I shake my head. “You’re wrong. Itisyour place, because you’re mine and I’m yours. That means you talk to me, Weston. Not hide things from me.”
“I wasn’t trying to hide it.” The water sloshes as his arms wrap around my middle and clench tightly. “I truly didn’t know if you remembered, and still wanted to try. I couldn’t leave Blackwood and get to the mountain without you knowing my feelings for you. You have to know that whatever you decide, they won’t change.”
“We decide. Not just me.”
