Page 147 of Reign of Light
But I can’t let him.
I tried to find a solution. I spent all night praying to the gods to give me an answer, using all of my critical thinking, plotting and strategy skills. I examined every outcome, every possibility, every choice, just as Edmond taught me. I looked at everything I have before me, and have to use it to make the best decision I can.
I am the queen. It’s my responsibility to do what is best for everyone. The kingdom and my people come before my own wants and needs, and even though he will never admit it, he is one of my people.
He’s right. This choice falls on my shoulders. I have to choose what is best for him. I know he won’t see it. He’ll fight me and demand I see it differently, but he won’t change my mind. Living another meaningless, wasted life, tied to an oath that brings him nothing but pain and hardship and sacrifice isn’t what is best for him.
How could I choose that for someone I love?
How could I condemn him to a life of loneliness and pain, watching me live without him, not remembering everything that brought us here, and everything we shared? Why would I ever cause him such torment?
The world needs Weston, and stripping him of the man he has become as the captain would leave a gaping hole in the lives of so many. I would rather lose myself than lose him. I would rather lose everything I’ve ever wanted than have him live another twenty years serving a crown and living every day miserable and alone.
Because I know if our roles were reversed, that is exactly how I would feel.
I can’t do to him would I would never want done to me. I can’t harm the one person who has chosen me, and loved me, even though it may hurt him in the process.
I need to show him how much I love him by letting him go.
Violent pain erupts in my chest as my eyes graze over his features one last time, trailing down over his slowly rising and falling chest until I reach the hand that lays loosely wrapped around my forearm. I can’t wake him, so I have to move carefully. If I do, I’ll never be able to go through with it, and I need to do this. There’s no other choice.
My fingers don’t stray from the smooth metal as I grasp the ring that has caused me so much heartache. Sinking my teeth into my lower lip, I bite so hard trying to hold back the cascade of sobs that I taste blood. Agonizingly slowly, I slide the ring off his finger, squeezing it firmly in my palm, and my heart shatters. He doesn’t stir, just continues to sleep peacefully with no knowledge of what is happening on the other side of his consciousness and the pain coursing through my body.
Be strong, Lennox.
Lifting the sheets just enough so I can wiggle out from under them, my bare feet are silent against the floorboards as I gently slide off the side of the bed. I pad across the room, slowly opening the door of the armoire and begging the island not to let the hinges creak. It opens noiselessly, and I close my eyes with a small sigh of relief for the set of clothes that awaits me there. I pull on the undergarments and pants quickly, but leave the rest there, because there’s something that I can’t leave this world without.
Tiptoeing around the bed, I keep my eyes trained on my goal, not on the sleeping form next to me, and round the foot, pausing to gently raise the lid of the trunk. Weston’s scent overwhelms my senses, and the tears I’ve kept at bay almost break loose. Lifting one of his shirts from the pile inside, I hold it to my face, breathing deeply before sliding it over my head, and tucking the ends into my waistband. Crouching down, I pull out the only gift he gave me, my vest. The one he wantedme to wear to ensure I was protected. When I left it behind the first time, it was because I knew I’d have him protecting me, but now, I can’t part with it. In a way, it will be like he is still beside me, and I want to always have that piece of him, even if I don’t remember.
I slide my arms through the holes and lace it up tightly before tucking his ring into one of the pockets. Sneaking a glance over my shoulder, I check to see that he hasn’t moved, and find him still sleeping gently, completely unaware of the heartache he is going to wake to.
And the pit in my stomach deepens further.
You have to, Lennox. It will be easier for him if he hates you.
Turning my back to him, I cover my mouth and stifle a sob. I can’t look at him again. The pain searing in every limb and the sinking in my stomach that tells me to run to him, to beg him to make it go away, that tells me to turn around and stay, to ignore everything, to give up my kingdom and my duty for him. It’s all too much. I can’t handle it.
You can. You are the strongest person I know. You have survived worse than this.
Weston’s words echo in my mind. If only he knew. If he thought facing death multiple times, losing my father and my friends that had become family, and becoming queen was the worst I had faced, he has no idea what it feels like to walk away from him right now.
I feel anything but strong.
The first step toward the door is the hardest, but I make it, and every heavy one after. With each movement, it feels like my world is pulling me backward, like I’m caught in a war between what my heart and head tell me is right.
I snatch my dagger off the desk and slide it in place, then swallow the thick lump in my throat as my eyes are drawn to the glittering, glowing vials in front of me. Reaching out, I wrap my fingers around the cool, smooth glass.
Of both vials.
I slide them into my vest, then drop to the floor, shoving my feet in my boots and lacing them quickly. I need to get out of this room, out of his vicinity, off of this island, because if I don’t, I don’t know what I might do.
The world feels like it is crashing down on me as I stand and walk to the door, pulling it open just enough that I can slip through and shut it silently behind me.
I let out an aching sigh as I halt, my back pressed against the closed door of the Captain’s quarters, when I realize.
The magic didn’t stop me.
Then I run.
