Page 3 of Cross My Heart
It has been eighteen months since my attack. Six months since the doctor said I was better, that I was all healed up and ready to move on. All healed.Right. That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard in my life. I roll my eyes.
Jules smiles, "You're swearing in your head again, aren't you?"
"Like a sailor.”Damn it, Jules.“You know me better than I know myself sometimes."
She looks at me with sadness in her pretty green eyes. "Lanes, you haven't sworn out loud since you were ten years old and your mother's douche-canoe of a boyfriend tripped you, then punished you by making you swallow that bottle of Purell."
"I didn't think you knew about that," my eyes downcast in shame.
"You ended up in the hospital and your mother told them you were always doing shit like that. I knew the first day I met you that you were neither stupid nor suicidal. Your mother made you cover for him. She was always doing that."
Shocked and a little unsettled, all I can say is, "She always chose her boyfriends over me, she still does, actually."
"Oh, honey," Julia sits closer and wraps me in a hug. "We are your family now. My parents have made you call them Mimi and Pawpaw since you were ten years old. You are a McDowell in all but name."
Maxine and Pete McDowell never did let me call them Mr. or Mrs. It’s like they knew I needed them. It was my third sleepover at Julia's when my mom forgot to pick me up again, and Mrs. McDowell told me I was like a second daughter to them, so the Mr. and Mrs. business wasn’t going to work anymore. I called them Mimi and Pawpaw ever since, except in front of my mother as I never knew how she would take it. Mimi seemed to understand that.
I can't help the tears that flow. "You always did know how to cheer me up."
“Lanes, you know I love you, and this is going to break mine and Charlie’s hearts so much, but I think it’s time you consider getting out of here. You know I will never kick you out, and you are always welcome. I kind of like the idea of growing old with you on the porch with unlimited Bahama Mama’s, but you deserve better, and I’m not sure staying in this town or even this state is what you need.”
I laughed as I’m sure she had intended. Bahama Mama’s had become our drink in high-school. We always liked to pretend we were somewhere warm and not in this little Vermont town. Don’t get me wrong, I loved growing up here with Jules. The trouble is, if you’re not in a large ski town, many people in Vermont live in poverty. With no real job prospects, it can make for a tough living.
"I'm so proud of you, Jules. You are so smart." Right after college, Julia landed this amazing job in Boston. It gives her the ability to work remotely to take care of her parents, and Charlie. "You have your life together."
"Lanie, you graduated right behind me at BU, you’re just as smart. You know me though, I'm not great socially with most people, everyone thinks I'm weird or quirky. I'm just too uncomfortable all the time. There is no way I could have ever lived in Boston and I can't make that kind of money here. Plus, Mimi and Pawpaw aren't getting any younger, they'll need me soon enough."
"You better not let Mimi hear you say that! She doesn't think she is old." I laugh.
“I know, but until they are ready to retire to the beach house, I have to be here for them.” Just then, the lights flickered to life. “Here, start eating these. I’ll be right back.”
Julia turns off the lantern after handing me the thin mints and runs to her room. She comes back a few minutes later with her computer.
“Are we making a list?” Julia is always making lists…it’s how her brain works. She can solve any equation, any work-related catastrophe in minutes flat, but when it comes to life, she needs to see everything in black and white.
“Sure are! First pros and cons of living here, in Vermont, versus somewhere else…then a list of potential places. Please remember, I’m not kicking you out and you can always come back, but you need this. You know that, right?”
It’s the same conversation we have had for the last year. I know Julia loves me, and I know it will kill her when I move. I came to live with her and Charlie after I was released from the hospital. It’s been everything you would expect living with your best friend to be. But she is right. I can’t stay in Vermont anymore. I have to find a way to move on from the bad memories while hanging on to the few good ones I have.
“Okay. The first list is going to be quick. The only pro for me staying is you, your parents, and GG.”
GG is my grandmother and more of a mother than I ever had. She owns the tiny ski lodge on the mountain. In between my mother moving me from apartment to apartment, my cousin, Lexi, and I grew up with GG. My mother and her twin sister had us weeks apart and chose our names together. Lanie and Lexi, I always thought they sounded like porn names, but it is what it is. My aunt died when we were two, and my mother never recovered.
“You know what, Jules? I don’t think we need to make this list.”
Jules looks up at me with teary eyes.Oh shit.
“Jules, I think you’re right. I think it’s time for me to get away for a while. I don’t think I can go forever, but maybe for a year? Maybe I can find some work that will get me out of here so I can get my head on straight. When I come home, maybe I can be normal.”
“Oh, Lanes, for crying out loud. You are normal—what you went through is not.”
This is a conversation we have had ad nauseam. I don’t argue with her anymore, although I know, in my heart, I will never be normal again.
A few hours later, the sun has risen, and we hear the first bits of chatter coming from Charlie's room.
"I have to get Charlie ready for Mimi,” Jules tells me. “I need to be on a call for work soon, but think about all of this, okay?"
I give her a hug and watch her go next door to Charlie’s room. A few minutes later, I hear Mimi coming up to get him, then Jules heads to her office.
