Page 91 of Cross My Heart
Tate interrupts, “I know, Lanie told me, a lot,” he laughs. “I wish Lanie could be my mom,” he says sadly, “but I don’t think she wants to be mine.”
I hear a loud gasp, and I turn my head to see the last person I was expecting tonight. Glancing around the room, I realize everyone had gone silent, all of us eavesdropping on Mimi and Tate’s conversation.
Lanie
Chapter 34
Tate wishes I were his mom.Me.
Dex tries to speak, but like the first day I met him, I hold up my hand to shut him up. I had just stopped by to give Mimi the pies I made earlier, but running into Dex and all the Westbrook’s almost had me pissing my pants. Maybe I’ll be mad later, but right now, my only priority is Tate.
Passing by Dex, I enter the kitchen and stand just behind Tate.
“Tate?” I say, and I realize he must be attached to a spring because before I say another word, he has launched himself at me, knocking my blueberry pie to the ground.
“Oh no, Lanie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see it in your hand,” Tate cries.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay, buddy. We will clean it up later, come here, I want to talk to you.” I walk him over to a window seat on the opposite side of the kitchen.
I see Dex take a few steps forward to hear us. “When I was little, this was my favorite spot in the entire world,” I tell him. “I’ve missed you, Tate, so much.”
“Then why did you leave, Lanie? I thought we were going to have a party, but guess what? It's okay because we brought all your food here on a big plane that was just for us. It was so awesome.” He says, leaning in for a hug.
“I know, Tate. I’m sorry. I-I heard you talking to Mimi and Nanna. I want you to understand, it’s not that I don’t want to be your mom. Being your mom is something I would love more than anything in this world, but you see, Tate, I-I’m a little bit broken. I can’t be your mom if I can’t be sure I wouldn’t break you too. Does that make any sense to you?”
“Oh, that’s fine, Lanie. My dad is really good at fixing things. I’ll help too, together we can fix you for sure. Just come back home, Lanie, and we will fix you, then you can be my mom.” Tate says so earnestly, I find myself swallowing again and again, not able to get past the lump.
Dex must sense my distress because he walks over then. “Hey, Tate, it looks like Mimi needs some help cleaning up that pie, do you think you can help her?”
He leaps out of my arms. “Sure, Dad,” he turns to me again, “I love you, Lanie.”
I kiss his head. “Love you too, buddy.”
“Hey,” Dex says, sitting in Tate’s seat.
I’m suddenly exhausted. “What are you doing here, Dex?” I don’t sound sad or angry, I realize, just extremely tired. I feel like I’ve been running my entire life, and I have to either cross the finish line or give up on everything.
“I was worried about you, Lanie. We all were,” he says, waving his hand around the room, indicating all the Westbrook’s. I laugh. I don’t want to, it’s just what happens when someone finally admits defeat.
Everyone in this house loves me. Me! Lanie Heart, the lost girl with a broken soul. For a moment, I wonder when I became this girl.When did I let the pain of others dictate my future?
“Lanie?” Dex asks, looking concerned.
Crap, he must have kept talking, but I can’t keep my mind from wandering. I study all the faces now staring at me with concern.This could be my family. The family I choose. But I wasn’t kidding when I told Tate I’m a little bit broken.
Why? Why are you so broken, Lanie? What makes you this way? In my head, I can only think of one person. One person who has always held me back. One person who always set me up to fail.
My mother.
Looking around the room once more, I come to rest on Dexter’s worried gaze.He makes me happy. He loves me, he has shown me in over two hundred ways. Why do I keep this wonderful man at arm's length then? Because you can’t love him fully until you know you won’t break him, comes a voice in my head that sounds suspiciously like Mimi’s.
I suddenly understand, without a doubt, what I have to do. I have to say goodbye to my mother for good. I rush to stand, but my stomach doesn’t get the memo. I don’t know if it's nerves from what I am about to do or the fact that I have eaten my body weight in chocolate chip cookie dough today, but I know at this moment, that cookie dough is searching for an exit. With a hand over my mouth, I run in circles trying to find the best place, but I don’t see one quickly enough.
Doubled over, I know we are about to have a second mess to clean up.
* * *
Dex
