Page 47 of The Beat of My Heart
“Dude, you’ve known her what? Four days? What is going on with you?” Loki asks.
“If this were any other situation, if I were any other guy, that would be the woman I would marry,” I tell him confidently.
“Holy shit,” he says.
“Yeah, holy shit,” I repeat.
“Trevor, man, I know what you’re thinking, and now it makes sense why you’ve been playing this game with her…”
“She wanted these rules,” I interrupt.
“I know,” he says, more subdued this time, “but I think you are using them as an excuse to push her away too.”
Watching Angel as she moves around the room with a confidence and grace I’ve only seen her have when we are alone, I tell Loki the truth, “I can’t have her.”
“Fuck you,” he shoots back.
“What?” I ask, “You of all people know the fucked-up mess I’m in right now. You of all people know exactly what happened to my mother, and you of all people should be the one telling me to run away as fast as I can before I break her,” I spit.
“I know what kind of mess they have thrown at your feet, asshole,” Loki gets in my face in a way he has never done before. “I know what kind of man you are, what kind of man your mother raised you to be. I’ve also seen what kind of man you have become since she passed. A part of you died that night with her, and it’s time to wake the fuck up.”
Taking a step forward, we are now nose to nose. We have never come to blows before. In twenty years of friendship, this is as close as we have ever come, but I’m about to lay him the fuck out.
“If I had gone with my mother that night like I should have, she would still be alive. She died alone because I was too selfish to be bothered. You are out of your fucking mind if you think I will drag my girl into the pits of hell just to have her taken from me too.”
“Trevor, if you had gone with Grace that night, you would be dead too. That’s a fact. It’s a fucking miserable thing to live with, but that is the truth. There is nothing you could have done. Your father has taken so much from you already, don’t let him take your future as well,” Loki tells me somberly.
Stepping back, I scan the room for Angel. When I find her, I speak to Loki again, “I have no future until Romero is in the ground,” I say ominously.
“Trevor,” Loki says, waiting for me to meet his eyes, “You love her.” It isn’t a question, and I don’t answer at first.
“I’ve only known her for a few days, Loki.”
“And you love her,” he repeats.
Swallowing a bowling ball, I say, “I think I could.” It’s as much as I’m willing to give. If I admit that I love Angel now, I’ll never be able to let her go.
Clapping me on the back, Loki pulls me in close. “Listen, put an end to this bullshit with her. Get her name, explain what you can. I’ll do what I can to keep her safe until you can tell her you love her.”
Shaking my head, I feel my eyes stinging. Choking back the tears, I say, “I can’t. I just can’t bring her into this, Loki. I have to let her go, but I’m a selfish prick because I’m hanging on to every moment I can with her here. Please, just let her have her anonymity. I can’t be what she needs, and I know if I have access to her, I won’t be able to stay away.”
“You know I love you, man, but mark my words, you are making a giant fucking mistake. You will regret this for the rest of your life.”
“I know,” I tell him. “I know.”
* * *
Tonight has beena true test of my fucking character. I am wound so tight, that when Loki pats me on the back to tell me he is leaving, I jump out of my chair and almost take out a waiter.
“Jesus, man. Calm the fuck down,” he says.
“I’m about to lose my goddamned fucking mind,” I whisper-yell.
“Trevor, I told you, I have eyes on her. Why aren’t you in the other room with her, though?” Loki asks.
“Because they split this thing up into two groups of people. Whatever the hell she does for work granted her access to the other part of the ballroom. The only time I see her is when I catch a glimpse of that siren red dress float by on the dance floor. I’m trying really hard not to kill someone, but if one more man tries to play grab-ass with my fucking girl, you will have to bail me out of jail,” I tell him.
“I can have someone look into her, Trevor. Just because I couldn’t find her, doesn’t mean that someone on my crew can’t figure out a way,” he tells me.
