Page 51 of The Beat of My Heart
“Hold on,” she says before she hangs up. Seconds later, my phone rings with a FaceTime from her.
“Let me see your face,” she demands.
I don’t try to contain the grin that covers my entire face, “He gets me, Lanes. When I ramble, he listens. When I speak in Julia-tized lyrics, he finishes them. Last night, well, I’m not exactly sure what happened last night, but I know if I walk away, I’ll never be the same. I’m going to tell him and hope he feels the same, but somehow, I just do, Lanes. I know he feels the same. Last night was fucked-up in so many ways, but it was real, it was us, and I-I need him.”
“Oh my God,” Lanie says with teary eyes, it’s as close to a swear as I’ll get out of her, so I take it.
“Holy fuck, Lanie. Holy fuck,” I scream.
“Yeah, Jules, just be careful, okay? This is all so fast. You say you’re sure he feels the same, but protect yourself, okay? I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like this, so just be careful,” she warns.
“Lanes, I sat down to make a list, and I can’t. I can’t do it—nothing comes,” I tell her, knowing she will understand how monumental that is for me.
“Nothing?” she questions.
Shaking my head, I confirm, “Nothing.”
We sit, smiling at each other through our phones for far too long.
“You think he is your puffin?” Lanie finally asks.
“You’ll always be my puffin,” I tell her.
We’ve been each other’s puffin since the sixth grade when we had to do a project on Maine and found out they mate for life. As soon as Lanie read that they find one partner and stick by them forever, she was hooked.
I think I’ve finally found my puffin.
“Think Charlie is okay with a threesome?” she jokes.
We laugh until tears fall. Lanie composes herself first, “Jules?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m really happy for you, I can’t wait to meet him,” she says.
“You will love him,” I tell her. “I know there is still the possibility he won’t want to know me, Lanes, I am preparing myself for it, but for the first time in my life, I want to take this risk. I think he is worth it. He has some serious shit to work out, but so do I, right? I will tell him tonight. He left me a note this morning asking me to meet him for dinner.”
“Yay!” she pauses, “What are you going to wear?” she asks, and I roll my eyes.
“Who the fuck knows! I’ll call you tonight when I’m getting ready, okay?” I tell her.
“Sounds good, talk to you later. Luvs.”
“Luvs,” I say before hanging up.
Noticing the time, I see I only have a few minutes before my first lecture starts, so I grab my purse with what I’ll need for the day and rush out to the conference center.
* * *
Just before Ireach the double doors, I see a hotel phone in the hallway. On impulse, I rush to it and press the four-digit number to Charlie’s room. “Oh, hey, it’s ah… it’s Angel. So, listen, there’s something I want to talk to you about tonight.” I start to panic and think maybe I’d better give him an out. “I-I don’t want to play this game anymore, Charlie. I mean, I still want to see you, but I want to see you as me, so when I come to meet you tonight, I want us to introduce ourselves, for real this time. I know there’s a bunch of shit going on, but I want this to be real.” I pause again, all the confidence leaving my voice in a rush. “Please, if you don’t want the same thing, just maybe don’t come to dinner. I-I don’t think I can handle the rejection in person, but I’m hoping we are on the same page. I have some very big and scary feelings for you, Charlie. It’ll break me if this ends without ever really knowing you. Okay, well, bye.”
Hanging up the phone, I rest my head a little too hard against the wall a few times. I try to remember what I had said, but it's too late to worry about it now. I head into the conference room just as they call my name.
* * *
The day drags on,and I’m glad I didn’t make plans with Charlie after all. My boss has been up my ass all day about a new client he has stuck me with. No matter how many times I explain things to this guy, he just doesn’t get it. Finally, as tactfully as I can, I tell him I’ll send him a report because sometimes it’s easier to see on paper when, in reality, I will have to go Sesame Street on his ass and put everything in pictures.
Peeking at my phone, I see it's already 5:30 pm, but thankfully, that’ll give me plenty of time to get ready for tonight. I guess being so busy has been a blessing in disguise because I haven’t had time to freak out about what I’m going to tell Charlie. If you had asked me a week ago if love at first sight was an actual thing, I would have told you you’re fucking nuts, but now? How can I not believe it?
