Page 6 of The Beat of My Heart
“Always a freaking comedian,” I throw a pillow from the bed at her. “Fine, show me what you think I need.”
And she does. For the next hour, Lanie places outfit after outfit in front of me, taking pictures with a Polaroid so I’ll know how to put everything together when I’m on my own. I’m about to pull my hair out when I hear my front door open and slam shut, followed by my new rescuer calling out.
“Lanie? Julia? Where the hell you two at?”
Lanie and I make eye contact and start laughing.
“What is GG doing here?” I ask.
“She brought us breakfast, if we don’t hurry, she will have the entire town out looking for us.”
This is not an exaggeration. For someone in her eighty’s, GG has taken to texting better than most adults. She has the entire town in a group text. She says it’s a safety measure, but really, she just figured out gossip can spread faster this way.
Jumping up, we both scatter to the door, tripping over each other as we race down the stairs.
“You two numbnuts had best quit all that ruckus before ya kill ya-selves,” GG scolds us.
GG is Lanie’s grandmother and has been GG to me as well since we were kids. When Lanie’s aunt died, we were all around two years old, and GG took in her cousin, Lexi. Lanie told me once she thought that was the reason her mother went off the rails. She never really had a normal childhood after that.
“Sorry, GG,” Lanie and I say at the same time.
“Oooo, GG, what did you bring me? Did you know your granddaughter has been torturing me with clothing for the last twenty-four hours?”
“Nah, by the looks of things, ya could probably use some help in that department if ya wanna find a man,” GG says matter-of-factly.
“No way, GG, I’m not looking for a man, just a man for the night if you know what I mean,” I say with a wink.
GG cackles in the way only she can, “Good Lord, you lil’ hussy. Good to know someone is getting somethin’ these days,” she says, looking unabashedly at Lanie, who holds up her hands in surrender.
“Oh no, you don’t. You two are not going to gang up on me. I am perfectly happy just the way things are. I have no interest in relationships, you both know how that has worked out for my mother,” she tells us.
“That’s a bunch of bullshit, Lanie Heart, and you know it,” GG admonishes. “You are not and never gonna be, your mother.” Before Lanie can respond, GG turns her attention back to me. “Now, you,” she says, pointing a crooked finger at me. “I know you’re gonna get a man’s attention, but I’ve been touching with the ladies, and we need to talk about safety before you go bumpin’ bones down there in Boston, ya know.”
Jesus. GG may text like a pro, but she still can’t get the name right. ‘Touchin’ with the ladies’ as she calls it means she has been texting with the town gossips.
“This cannot be happening, GG!” I yell, knowing full well that she doesn’t filter her messages, and that means my mother has been getting updates on my plans for a one-night stand. Groaning, I place my face in my hands. “After everything that went down with Erick, the only thing I want is to get laid in peace, is that so much to ask for?”
“Don’t you go GG-ing me. I am all up to date on these one-nighters. That floozy Jillian Carter taught us all about them last night at card group. How it goes is, you don’t need no roses, just…”
Lanie and I burst out laughing.
“GG, Jillian Carter aside, that is a country song… listen,” Lanie says while pulling up Apple music, “it’s called One Night Standards by Ashley McBryde.”
“Well, I’ll be damned. I wondered why I was singin’ it. Must have heard it on the radio. Anyway, it is all decided. We got you some of these,” GG throws an entire pack of condoms on my kitchen table and I about die right there. “We also decided that you’d better get practicing that secret code you girls used to write in so you can email Lanes to get you out of trouble if there are any issues.”
Whack. Whack. Whack. “That’s my head hitting the kitchen table.”
“Well, of course, it is. I can see that, you silly child, now knock that shit off.”
GG has never understood when it was my inner dialogue escaping me.
“You know, that might not be a terrible idea, Jules,” Lanie chimes in. “We could use that old email address you created in college, the one for the fake business.”
In college, I had created an elaborate rescue plan in case one of Lanie’s dates turned out to be a serial killer.What? It was a totally responsible thing to do. It was better than a fake phone call. We had an entire system worked out. She would text me in full view of the guy if he was a creeper, letting me know she had arrived safely, and that would be my cue to send the work message. A few minutes later, she would get an email that came with alarms and buzzing, alerting her to a work emergency. She would open the message, and he would see the company logo front and center.I know what you’re thinking. A phone call from a sick friend would have been faster, but whatever, this is what worked for us.
“Lanie, are you serious? We are adults now; we don’t need to be making up bullshit.”
“It’s this or I’ll come with you,” GG informs me, knowing full well that would put an end to my one-night stand mission.
