Page 78 of The Beat of My Heart
My body is so tired from the anesthesia, I’m fighting to keep my eyes open. Then the nurse lays a little bundle across my chest, and I’m entranced. His olive complexion so far from my own, I know I’m holding a copycat version of his father. When he opens his eyes for the very first time, I know I will never love another person as much as I love this little man. And since no one but his father could ever come close, I know right then that my heart will be full and aching every time I look at my son for the rest of my life.
“What are you going to name him?” my mother asks.
“Charlie,” I say firmly. “Charlie Gracen.”
“Gracen?” my father asks. “That’s an unusual name, I like it, Babycakes.”
It is an unusual name, but knowing nothing else about his father, I’ll give him what I can. Charlie Gracen McDowell is the new love of my life.
“You named him Charlie,” Trevor states.
“After you,” I tell him.
“After me,” he smirks.
“His name is Charlie Gracen,” I tell him, spelling out Gracen, so he understands my intent.
“You named him after me… and my mother?” he asks.
Unable to speak, I nod. “I looked for you, Trevor. I’ve been looking for you every day. I’ve broken some laws hacking computers even, but I had nothing to go on,” I tell him.
Crossing the room, still holding onto the photo, Trevor says, “Shh, Angel. I know you did. Lanie told me.”
I shiver. Not because I’m cold, but because of the effect this man has on my body. He is standing inches from me, yet I feel him everywhere. Putting aside all of my questions, all of my hurt, I jump. Figuratively and literally, I launch myself, and he catches me quickly. Charlie’s picture still in his grasp as he holds me tight.
I’m climbing his body like a fucking lunatic, but I can’t help myself. “Trevor,” I say before attacking his mouth with my own. I get lost in him. I kiss him as more tears fall down my face. Tears that I found him—tears that we’ve missed out on so much.
Breaking the kiss, he says, “Angel, sweetheart, we have to talk. If you keep kissing me like this, we will not make it back tonight.”
Trying to kiss him again, I say, “Then let's not go back tonight. Stay here with me.”
The growl he emits soaks my panties, and I know he can feel the heat through my thin shorts. “Fuck,” he groans. “Sweetheart, we can’t,” he says, placing me on my own two feet again.
“Oh my God, what was I thinking? You have a girlfriend or wife?” I say, looking for his hands. “I’m so stupid, why would I think you’d still be single? I’m so sorry. I’ll apologize to her, whoever she is. I’m so embarrassed. Let’s just forget about it, okay? I know we have to talk, but this is a lot to process. Maybe you can head back to Waverley-Cay and I’ll come back tomorrow? We can talk then. I won’t get in your way, I promise. And I’ll try not to make it weird. I mean, it’ll be a little weird because my best friend and your best friend are together and we have Charlie, but I’ll be cool, I promise. Just, oh sweet Jesus, does Charlie have a step-mom? I can’t handle him calling anyone else mom, so we will have to figure that out.” I’m pacing the kitchen now. “I mean, he can call her by her name, right? Trevor, I don’t think I can take any more heartache today, and I cannot have my son calling another woman mom. I’ve heard horror stories, I know people do it, but please don’t do that to me.”
I finally look up to see him leaning against the kitchen counter, smiling from ear to ear. His arms are crossed over his chest and he is just watching me melt-down. Suddenly, self-conscious, I look down at myself. I don’t see anything misplaced.
“A little sand here and there, but at least I have a bra on. God, that would have been embarrassing. Can you imagine if I had jumped a married man and didn’t have a bra on?” Rolling my eyes, I keep them pointed at the sky. “I just said all that out loud, didn’t I?”
Shit.
“Fucking hell, Angel. I’ve missed you,” he laughs. “My heart is beating again for the first time since I lost you.” His phone rings. Looking at it, he silences the ringer. “What is it with you and married men? Was your ex married or something?”
“No! Maybe,” I say embarrassed. “I don’t know, Trevor. He ran off without a word. All I know is he took half a million dollars, and I’m still paying it back. He could have ten wives for all I know.” I hadn’t meant to tell him any of that.
Why can’t I keep that shit to myself?
Trevor’s phone rings again and again. “Hold that thought, Angel. We can add it to the list of topics we need to cover, I have to get this.” Turning his back to me, he walks towards the wall of windows that look out over the ocean.
“Loki, what’s up?” he asks.
“Slow down, what the fuck are you talking about? Why are you out of breath? Are you okay? What the hell is going on there?” Trevor asks in a single breath. Turning to face me, I watch him pale, then his expression turns hard. Dangerous.
“We are leaving now,” I hear him say. “Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do, Loki?” His eyes never leave mine as he listens. “How long until they get here? Loki? What the fuck was that? Loki?” he screams. Pulling the phone away from his ear to check the connection, I notice his hands are shaking.
“You have less than five minutes to get whatever you need from here, and we are leaving,” he tells me.
He must sense that I’m about to argue because, in a few quick strides, he is in front of me again. “Don’t argue with me about this, Angel. We don’t have time. I will explain everything when the car arrives, but for now, just know this, I am not married. I’ve never been married and there has been no one in my life since you. Since the day I met you, it’s only been you. Here,” he points to his heart, “and here,” he says, tapping his temple. “My heart stopped beating the moment I lost you and didn’t start again until just now.”
