Page 130 of Your Last First Kiss
Miller plops down on my sofa and spreads his arms wide. “I’m here to check on you. I was with Dillon when he watched the security footage.”
I walk to him and sit on the other end of the sofa. I’m exhausted to my bones. The kind of tired you only feel when you allow your body a moment to rest, but when you do, it overpowers you.
“I can’t believe it, Mill. This isn’t Kai, but I don’t know what to do.”
“I agree, it isn’t Kai. Not the Kai he can be, anyway. I know he’s a good kid, Penny, but you can’t keep coddling him either.”
“I’m not,” I say defensively.
“You are. And I know why you’re doing it, but the more you let him push, the more he’s going to take. He feels out of control, so he’s trying to control anything he can. But you are the parent. You have to take control and show him how to manage it.”
“How?” I choke out. “How do I do that?”
“Well, letting Dillon take Kai tonight was a good start. But really, what you should do is get your head out of your fucking ass.”
My jaw hangs open. “Please, tell me what you really think.”
“I will. Because I love you, I will. For starters, have you looked in the mirror lately? And I’m not talking about your ponytail or spit-up on your shirt. I’m asking, have you really looked at yourself lately?”
“What is your point, Miller?” He doesn’t need to know that I avoid the mirror like the plague.
“My point is that you’re a walking, breathing billboard for heartbreak and sadness. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Dillon’s still here. He’s still trying. You’re hurting everyone around you by keeping him in this weird version of a friend zone slash stepparent. He’s doing everything right, and you’re not.”
“I’m trying to do the right thing for my kids.” The excuse sounds hollow even to my own ears.
“Don’t you think Dillon is too? Have you thought of it that way? There are a million different things he could be doing right now. His to-do list is longer than the Nile. But where is he tonight? He’s helping your son exorcise his demons. He’s doing it because he loves Kai as much as he loves you.”
Tears appear to be my default these days. I lift my legs to rest my chin on my knees. Everything is so out of control.
“And Penny, I think when you find someone who loves that deeply, that freely, without asking for anything in return, you open your heart and your life, even if it’s hard. Especially if it’s hard. Because those hard times will be so much more manageable with a partner by your side.”
“What do I do about Kai?” I ask because I’m not sure how to respond to his Dillon comments.
“Honestly? At this point, I think he needs Dillon. Dillon’s strong enough to survive the storm and carry your family out on his shoulders. Let him do it.”
I suck in a ragged breath. “You make it sound so easy.”
“Oh, Penny. It is easy. Choose love. Choose it, live by it, and receive it. The first step you have to take is to acknowledge that you’re helplessly in love with him, and then choose to accept his love in return.”
I close my eyes for long minutes as Miller’s words run through my head like the pieces of a Scrabble board.
“I need to head back. I left the high schooler next door babysitting Izzy. Do you need anything before I go?”
I stand with him, and he wraps me in a hug. “No, I think I’m okay.”
“You will be,” he promises.
“How did you get so smart?”
“Sometimes it’s easier to see through the storm when you’re not the one in it.” He gives me a final squeeze before releasing me and heading toward the door.
“Thank you, Mill,” I call after him with a whisper yell.
He winks. “I got you, but I’m still going to encourage you to find some girlfriends to hash all this out with next time. I’m out of my element here.”
“Got you too. And, Miller?”
“Yeah?” He flashes a devastatingly handsome smile, and not for the first time, I wonder if he’s as lonely as I am. Or I was, maybe.
