Page 6 of Your Last First Kiss
“He is,” I say quickly. Too quickly, and Nova picks up on it, so I keep talking before she can add anything else. “But the boys have been through so much already. Too much. I can’t bring someone else into their lives right now.”
No matter how desperately I want to. My only job is to protect them and give them as happy a childhood as I can.
Nova nods. “I get that. But they want you to be happy too.”
Guilt mixes with dread like a lead weight in the pit of my stomach. “Did they say something to you?”
She leans down to draw Hope into her lap. “No, Pen. But they do.”
I force my shoulders back and suck in a long breath. It does nothing to calm my heart.
“I know your reasons for not pursuing a relationship, but are you sure you’re seeing them clearly?”
I open my mouth to speak, but she talks over me.
“Yes, your life is complicated. Yes, you need to protect your boys and keep anyone else from disappointing them. And yes, you have long days and little time. But your chaos is consistent, Penny. Your days are scheduled to the second and you’ve been settled into your new life for a long time.”
Have I? Every day it feels like the rug will be pulled out from under me, but is it possible I’m not seeing the monotony of my life as she sees it? Isn’t monotony exactly what I wanted after what Eddy put us through though?
“Tell me you don’t dream about what it would be like to have Dillon at your side for the tough stuff. Or that you don’t fantasize about having someone to confide in late at night.”
I swallow hard but can’t make my words come.
“He would be that man if you let him,” she says gently. “You deserve the happiness you’re fighting so hard to give your boys. Take it while you can. Embrace it with someone who has already proven they only want your time. Give Dillon a chance to be that someone.”
My throat is thick with unshed tears.
If only she knew how badly I wanted to give Dillon a chance.
“Go, have fun tonight,” she says, changing the subject when I’m quiet for too long. “My brother pulled out all the stops to celebrate his employees with this party.”
I almost smile. Nova’s brother is the best boss I’ve ever had, but he’s steadfast in his actions. This party is a direct result of the impact his amazing new wife has on his life.
“You and Lochlan couldn’t be more different. You know this, right?” I aim for a light tone, but it’s hard when my heart is so heavy.
“That’s the best compliment anyone has ever given me.” She laughs, and her little girl twists in her lap to touch her face.
“Lochlan throwing an out-of-season holiday party for his employees isn’t something I ever would have expected from him, that’s for sure.”
I sit in the seat next to her with wild thoughts invading my mind. The thin band of my strappy sandals wraps around my ankle, and it takes some maneuvering to make sure my boobs don’t pop out of this dress. The slit that runs up my left leg causes the shimmering gold silk to slip open, revealing freshly shaven legs.
I keep that part to myself too.
“Love changes even the grumpiest of grumps,” she muses.
The air wooshes out of my lungs like a deflating balloon. I’m not sure I’ve ever had that kind of love, and the knowledge is a sledgehammer to my already fragile heart. Luckily Nova can’t see me, and I have time to steel myself before sitting up.
“Well, thank you for staying with Gage and Landon tonight. Kai should be home from camp by eight, and then you can head home. He’ll get the other two in bed. But if he isn’t here by…”
Nova frowns as she tries hard to contain her expression—one of pity, probably. “If Eddy doesn’t show up, Kai will call Ash or me, and we’ll go get him. We have the kids covered. You go have fun. Lochlan will blame me if you’re late, and then all hell will break loose.”
A sad chuckle bubbles in my chest. Leaning in, I give my friend a hug. She’s quite a bit younger than me, but in the last few years, she’s transformed and matured, so our relationship has gone from big sisterly to true, equal friendship. I’ll miss her when they leave for California, but I’m so happy that her fashion line is really taking off.
I don’t think she could ever fully understand how much her friendship means to me. Sometimes being a single mom is the loneliest job you could ever have.
I kiss Hope on the cheek, ignoring the ache that occasionally resides in my chest, knowing those days are over for me, and move to the kitchen window.
Ashton huddles behind a bush while Gage and Landon run around with water balloons in their hands.
