Page 126 of Falling Into Forever
SAYLOR
Blake sits hunched over the flowers we placed by Shannon’s name and the candy I set by Rayne’s. I always bring him candy. I don’t know why, but I would have spoiled him in life, so…well, I just do.
We’ve been here so long my ass went numb an hour ago, but I won’t rush Blake. Losing Shannon broke me. I can’t begin to fathom his level of pain.
I can’t even compare it to losing Dante because that was of my own making. However misguided I was, I’m able to have my second chance. Blake’s chance was ripped from him, and I’m not sure his heart will ever recover.
The chill of a summer night and the dew seeping into my clothes make my teeth chatter, but I sit quietly and talk to my sister in my head. I tell her about Dante and my new fears. I tell her about my mistakes, though I’m sure she’s been following the drama of my life like her favorite reality show, waiting for me to get my head out of my ass.
I chuckle silently at that. Would Shannon have been able to let go of mothering us and treat us like siblings if she hadn’t been taken from us so soon?
I bet if I asked Blake, he’d laugh in my face. She was always going to be our sister-mom.
Eventually, he stands, and when he turns, his face is puffy from crying—no, not crying, but emitting your heart and soul through two tiny tear ducts.
Did he ever allow himself to grieve? Staring up at him now, I fear the answer is no.
“Do you come here a lot?” His voice is so raw it sparks new pain in my chest.
“Most days, at night, after I’ve finished writing. I didn’t always, but coming by myself gave me a sense of privacy, like I could speak more freely.”
“What kind of a monster does it make me that this is the first time I’ve been able to visit?”
I stand and brush off my shorts. “Not a monster, Blake. A man who experienced a loss no man should ever have to live through. And honestly, they’re not there anymore.” I point to their gravestones. “This is for us, not them. Sure, their bodies are laid to rest here, but what made themthemis here, in our hearts and minds. They’re in our memories and in photos. They’re with us whenever we need them. I have to believe that. It’s the only thing that gets me through the sleepless nights, even now.”
“I wish I’d been strong enough to grieve with you girls.” The way he calls us girls makes him sound seventy, not nearly forty.
I shrug him off. There were years when I wish he’d been here too, but I’ve always understood why he couldn’t be. If Shannon were alive now, we could pass as triplets.
“We all handled the grief in different ways,” I say. “But there’s no right or wrong way to do it. We did what we had to in order to survive. That’s all any of us could do. But I’m glad you’re back. It’s like having a piece of her with me again.”
Emotion swims in his eyes. “She would be so proud of you, you know that, right? All she ever wanted was to raise you to be good humans—kind people with loving hearts. She used to say that every night like a prayer. She convinced herself she was messing you both up, but I hope she can see you now, Sass. I hope wherever she is, she’s smiling.”
My cheeks burn with new tear tracks. I didn’t realize how much I needed that information—that she didn’t regret giving up so much for us.
Blake pulls me into a hug, and the grief that’s been tied to my neck for years folds itself up and neatly tucks itself away into a corner of my heart. I’ll always carry it with me, but now it doesn’t seem like it’s all I’ll ever feel.
For the first time since my sister died and I pushed Dante away, my heart is totally and completely free.
“Do you want to get a hot chocolate or something?” he asks, and I laugh.
“You do remember that I was twenty-two the last time you saw me, right? Not four?”
He wraps an arm around my shoulder. A wave of nostalgia washes over me, and I don’t pull away.
“I finally understand what Shannon meant when she said you’ll always be her babies.”
I chuckle roughly. It sounds more like a bark, but my heart smiles at the memory. Blake is smiling too.
“We’re going to be okay, Blake.”
“I hope so, Sass. Otherwise, Shannon will be waiting at Heaven’s gates to give me hell.”
We both laugh into the silent night. It’s freeing in a new way, and somehow, I know that Shannon sent Blake to me today—he’s the sign I’ve been waiting for.
“Okay, no hot cocoa,” he says. I can hear the humor in his voice, and it sounds like a relief. “How about a—”
“Sassy?” Grady’s voice calls out.
