Page 116 of Love Notes & Lifelines
I sit through Danica’s lies, and Silas’s fabricated version of events where they paint me as an unstable monster, and Beck as a violent abuser. But when it’s Beck’s turn, he’s as honest as he can be when he tells the room why he left and why he was not in contact with Cally when she died. It’s heartbreaking.
“I also love Emmy’s bedhead in the morning,” he says, his voice resonating with conviction and command. “And the way Ruby smells after a nap. I love how they run to Stella’s arms for comfort, and that she gives it freely any time they need it, sometimes before they even realize they need it.”
The judge is nodding, but his expression hasn’t changed once.
“My family dynamic has been messed up for the last few years, your honor. But I loved my sister and I love those girls in a way I’d forgotten was possible. They’ve changed me. I want to be their protector and the one who checks their closets for monsters.” His glassy eyes peer down at me, and his crooked smile rights my world. “I want to watch them grow up and pick fights with me when they’re teenagers, and I don’t care about their inheritance. I don’t care if they get it or not, I will always provide for them. Just, please don’t take them from their home—or from us.”
Beck falls into his chair, and Danica’s scoff echoes off the walls.
“Does anyone have anything else to add?” The judge stares straight ahead, and the silence calls to me. I’m compelled to say something, anything, because regardless of how fast thingsmove, these little girls deserve a family who loves them exactly as they are, so I raise my hand.
The movement is tentative and awkward, demonstrating to everyone that I don’t really know if I want to be called on. But the judge’s eyes crinkle at the corners and he gives a solid nod, then a roll of his hand for me to speak.
I stand on shaky legs and will my stomach to hold still while I find my words.
“Have you ever been in love with someone so completely that you were blind to their flaws? Or been so completely consumed by love that you forgot who you are, and that love isn’t supposed to come with conditions until it’s too late?”
“Your honor,” Danica’s attorney interrupts, making me jump.
Beck reaches out and squeezes my lower thigh, and I stop fidgeting with my hands.
“Let her speak,” the judge says. “There have been a lot of accusations today, I’d like to see where she’s going with this.
Me too, judge. Me too. I don’t look at Beck. If I do, I’ll lose my nerve. Instead, I stare straight at the judge and tell my story.
“I know this is a custody hearing, but my character has been called into question, and my character matters since I care for and love those little girls. I’ve never been able to defend myself, but I’ll do anything for them.”
He nods, and I continue. “I was lied to for so long I believed the lies.” I chuckle and clasp my hands tightly in front of me. “I believed someone else’s version of myself, a broken version that couldn’t function without the occasional kindness from an otherwise cruel man. When my story was twisted around, turning me into the villain, I broke in ways I didn’t know a person could break. I’ve never felt so alone or scared in my entire life. Everything and everyone I loved was leaving me.”
The air is thick with tension, but the judge’s face relaxes, and his eyes stay glued to mine, like he’s offering encouragement.
“I didn’t know where I belonged. Then I met Beck, and you should know, he was a terrible team player right from the start.” The crowd chuckles behind me and my shoulders relax. “He strived to do everything on his own while I was doing everything I could to feel needed. It gave me validation and him a false sense of safety. Neither of us asked for help because we viewed it as a weakness. Even when our connection was so strong that neither of us could walk away, we still couldn’t fully find a way to rely on each other.”
The judge nods, and I hear sniffling in the peanut gallery while Beck shifts uncomfortably in his chair.
“Then Beck became the girls’ guardian, and something snapped into place for us both. I found where I was wanted more than I was needed, and he found that being part of a team is what makes you stronger. The four of us were broken, Your Honor. We’ve had unthinkable heartaches and tragedies.”
An image of my mom flashes in my mind and I swallow hard.
“But through all the pain, we found love. Love for each other and love for our girls. I’ve made mistakes. Silas was my worst, and I truly feel for his family, but I was not a willing accomplice in his games. I’ve lost myself more than any one person should be allowed, but I found myself with this family. I’m not a bad person, I’m simply a person who made mistakes that I’ve paid for. There are always two sides to every story, and this is mine.”
Finally, I glance down and draw strength from Beck’s steady gaze. “Your Honor, I love Emmy and Ruby. I couldn’t love them more if they were my own flesh and blood. And I love their uncle, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard because as much as he needs me, he wants me more, and the same goes for those girls. Life is so stinking hard, but when the four of us aretogether, it’s a little more tolerable, and it’s filled with more love than I could have ever asked for.”
Something drips onto my hand, and I touch my fingers to my face. I’m crying and never realized it.
I snap my mouth shut and drop into my chair. That was draining. Every inch of my body is exhausted from years of running from myself.
Beck leans into my space, cups my face and kisses my forehead. “Thank you, Stella. You didn’t have to tell everyone your secrets, but I can’t tell you how much I love that you did.”
The jury is still out on what I think about it though. I feel myself slipping. Is this just my life? Will I always feel like I’m falling?
I glance at Beck, but his attention is focused on the judge. He must sense that I’m off though because his hand slips under the table and holds mine in my lap.
Maybe he is my safety net. Across the room, Silas is glaring at me with unadulterated hatred in his eyes. I thought he was my safety net once too.
How do I trust myself now? How do I trust my judgment?
Beck leans in and whispers, “I’m not him, Stella. I see your fears dancing back and forth between us, so if that’s what’s making you squeeze the blood from my fingers, you can stop now. I’m not him.”
