Page 20 of Love Notes & Lifelines
“Thank you, Jane.” He sighs and I wish he knew it was me. “Do you ever feel like you’ve let down the only person who ever truly loved you and now there’s nothing you can do about it?”
My heart beats against my chest so hard I can’t catch my breath—this isn’t part of the program. This isn’t the Becker Hayes I know. He doesn’t share, he doesn’t open up, he doesn’t do this.
“Every single day.” He has no idea the power those words hold over me. “You can’t change the past, but you can do everything in your power to do better.”
“I guess.”
“You should get some sleep. Littles are known to be early risers. Is there anything else I can help you with tonight, Beck?” I need to stop saying his name. It’s too intimate, too reckless. His name conjures his taste, his scent, his whole being in my mind when I say it, and it’s an addicting memory to cling to.
“Um, what the hell do I feed them for breakfast?”
It’s so unexpected I laugh. “Sorry, that was rude of me.”
“No, I’d probably laugh at myself too. I look like a giant asshole over here. Ruby puked all down the front of me. There are smashed peas in my hair, they smell like vomit, by the way, and I’m still wearing my suit pants.”
I can envision it so clearly—his crooked smile that doesn’t show often, but warms the entire building when it does, and his green, green eyes that sparkle even when he’s angry.
“You’re not an asshole,” I say softly forgetting to mask my voice.
“I only knew what to get them for dinner because it’s what my sister used to make me. She left very explicit instructions for my first night with them, and I couldn’t even remember to bringthem home. What if I forget one of the girls one day? I couldn’t even get them to bed. How will I get them to college?”
“Whoa, slow your roll, big guy. College is a lifetime away. For now, focus on one moment at a time. Baby steps are still steps in the right direction.”
“My sister knew I’d fuck this all up.”
“You think so?” I lie back on my sofa and stare at the ceiling. “Raising two girls is a pretty big ask for someone she thought would mess it all up.”
He’s silent for a long moment, so I answer his original question. “Scrambled eggs are a safe bet as long as they don’t have any allergies.”
“That she wrote down twenty-seven times—no food allergies.”
“Good. Then scrambled eggs it is. You can do this. They need you, so be patient with yourself, okay? It sounds like this is a huge shock for you all, so it will take some time for all of you to fall into a routine. Give yourself grace.”
“I’ll try. Thank you, Jane. Will I get you the next time I call, or will it be another Jane Doe?”
It can’t be me.
“I’m not sure. I’m kind of new here too. But whoever answers will be able to help you.”
“Good night,” he whispers on a yawn.
“Good night, Beck.”
I disconnect before I say something stupid, then reopen my email and send Lottie a response.
To: Lottie
From: Stella
Subject: RE: New client!!!!
Lottie! Beck Hayes needs to be assigned to someone else. I know him. Like in real life. I can’t be his helper.
Stella
Her response is immediate. Does she ever sleep?
To: Stella
