Page 103 of Love Notes & Lifelines
There are long, built-in benches lining all the walls. I’m on the higher level while Beck stretches out below me.
I do as he says and breathe deeply until some of my anxieties loosen their grip. I don’t understand what’s happening. I told him everything, and he’s lying here, the picture of relaxation.
“I can feel you overthinking. Relax and shut everything off for a few minutes.”
Rolling onto my side, I glare down. He doesn’t open his eyes, but he grins. How did he know I was watching him?
“What are we doing?”
One emerald eye squints at me. Crap. Why did I say anything?
He sits up and spins, sitting on his knees so we’re face to face. I should have kept my mouth shut, but now he stares at me as though I’m the only thing that matters in the world—like laying our truths bare has tied us together, made us one.
“What we’re doing…” He reaches up and tucks a damp piece of hair behind my ear. “Is getting you to relax. You’ve been told so many despicable lies for so long that you believe some of them. I need your body to unwind so we can rewrite some of those pathways sending your brain misinformation.”
“I’m messed up, Beck.”
“You are.” My gaze snaps to his. “So am I.” He grins. “So is Tabby. So is Elijah. It’s how we fight through the tough times that makes us a survivor to look up to. Stella?” He waits for me to give him my full attention. I blink three times to focus on him. “We can do it together.”
Those words actually hurt my heart. The man has never had a relationship and he thinks he’s all in now.
Silas called me stupid, and I would be if I believed this.
My face must betray my thoughts because his expression turns dark. “Just because I haven’t done something before doesn’t mean I can’t excel at it, Stella. We need you in our lives. Me, Emmy, and Ruby.”
I swallow, the saliva like shards of glass in my throat. “And what happens when you don’t need me anymore? What happens when someone more suitable comes along? What happens when the girls no longer need a nanny? What happens when no one needs me anymore?”
He stands and turns a knob on the wall. The steam slows to a stop, then he holds out his hand for me to take it. When I do, he leads me out of the steam room, down a short hallway, and into another room with dim lighting. This one is hot, but it’s a dry heat. He motions for me to sit, so I do, hating how the wet sheet clings to me now.
“Nothing I say is going to make a dent for you. You’ve been programmed to believe that all words are lies.”
He paces the room, seeming unbothered by his growing erection, and I can’t take my eyes off him. Every indent andcurve of muscle moves in a slow dance. His cock twitches and my cheeks burn from more than the heat in this room.
“I can’t help it if you stare at it like that,” he says in a huff, and it almost makes me laugh. It also makes it impossible not to stare, but my gaze flicks up to his face.
Beck’s breathing slows but his nostrils flare with each long intake of air. He stands there, allowing me to gape as his boxers tent, and eventually, the head of his penis pops out, coming to life right in front of me like an X-rated inflatable balloon.
“Finished?” he asks with a sly grin. I drag my gaze up his body and my breath hitches when I reach his face. “Nothing I say will resonate with you. Not until you unlearn all the trauma you’ve experienced.”
That drains some of the heat from my cheeks. “When did you become a shrink?” I mutter. “Don’t you think I’ve tried? I don’t know what you’re saying—or asking. I just?—”
“I’m asking you to try, Stella. To try for real. To try for something I’ve never once asked for—a relationship. One where you turn to me when you’re hurting. One where I ask for help. One where we share our weaknesses as much as our strengths. That’s what I’m asking. It doesn’t have to be a real engagement.”
His brow furrows and he rolls his tongue as though something’s distasteful, then he swipes a hand down his face and plasters on a neutral expression.
“It won’t be easy,” he says. “And we have more fucking mountains to climb than I can even count, but I know.” He pounds on his chest with his fist. “I know that we can do it together. I don’t know when things changed for me. I don’t know when you shook my entire world on end, making all my pieces fit better than they ever have, but you did it. You’ve changed me, Stella, and I haven’t even considered doing that for anyone else. With you, it just happened. I’ve trusted you from the day youpicked me up in Elijah’s car, and I haven’t trusted anyone in a very long time.”
“You’re trusting Tabby and Leo with the girls,” I remind him.
He lifts his arms to the air like he’s frustrated. “And you think I would have been able to do that if it wasn’t for you? Let me fill you in on something, sweetheart.” My tummy flips at his endearment. “Not once have I had reason not to trust Tabby. Not once in all my life, but she’s a Hayes so I couldn’t do it. I learned to trust her again by watching you. I saw your body language around Caleb. I saw how you tense when someone makes you uncomfortable. And do you know what you do with Tabby?”
No clue. I shake my head.
“You fucking hug her, Stella. You hug her as if she’s your long-lost sister. That’s how I know that your body trusts her even if your mind hasn’t gotten the memo yet. You’re my dowsing rod—you point me to trust. Just by being you, you show me who to let in—and how. So yeah, I trust Tabby and Leo because you trust Tabby and Leo. I do it because I trust you. I need you. I want you. Do you understand now?”
Even after all the crying I’ve done, I’m sweating profusely, and can’t remember the last time I had a drink of water. I should be dehydrated, but nervous energy keeps my body in fight or flight.
“All I’m asking is for you to try, Stella, with me by your side, and you by mine, together.”
