Page 138 of Love Notes & Lifelines
He shrugs. “Bea moved to Tennessee a few years ago. Their relationship is okay, but it never really recovered, and that’s a guilt I carry around too. Tabby lost the two most important people in her life because of one stupid mistake.”
Unease swirls in my gut. “Why are you telling me this?”
“I’m not sure, honestly. Maybe because Beck made a mistake tonight and I don’t want to see him lose any more years. I think he had a moment where he was scared and confused and he forgot to trust you, but I also know that he loves the hell out of you.”
Once again, sounds gurgle in my ears and images of my mistakes assault me. They flash and change faster than strobe lights in a confined space.
“Stella, focus.” It sounds like Leo, but his voice is distorted, so I close my eyes. Focus, Stella. Focus.
I blink through the nightmare I can’t wake from. The nightmare that will always follow me because that’s what narcissists want, right?
Leo’s voice cuts in and out of the rising tide of panic. Is this what my life boils down to? Haunted by Silas’s words and actions—a coward in men’s clothing?
Cold water hits my face and I choke on it. Gasping for breath, I use both hands to wipe the droplets from my lashes and dripping from my chin. When I’m finally dragged into reality, I find Leo standing before me with my crushed bottle of water in his hands.
“Ah, sorry.” His expression is sheepish. The deep set of his brows and turned-down lips tells me he’s concerned. “I know that vacant stare, and you were rocking yourself with your arms locked around you.”
I drop my chin to my chest. He’s right.
“Don’t let that fucker win, Stella. Whatever he’s done, whatever he said, it’s not the truth. Believe in yourself, your heart, because the rest of us do. Regardless of the brain fart Beck had tonight, he knows you, and what’s more, he trusts you.”
I shake my head to argue, but Leo keeps going. “He does, and we both know it. If you, for one second, allow anything Danicruel or Fuckface said to penetrate your walls, just remember that Beck let you in because he saw the truth of your heart. Think about what trust, and the lack of it, has cost him. He’s going to stumble occasionally, but he’ll never fall, and he’ll never allow you to either.”
I’m still drying my face with the sleeve of my sweater when I lift my gaze to his. It could be stress, or the anxiety of the last hour, but when we make eye contact, all I can do is laugh—loudly.
“You threw water in my face.”
He smirks. “I did. And I’d do it again. Are you here now? In the present?”
I scan the terrible decor of Tabby’s apartment and my shoulders sag with relief, disappointment, and love. But most of all, with compassion and understanding—none of us are perfect. Parts of me may be broken, but isn’t that what life is? A bunch of broken people searching for the broken parts of others who make us feel whole.
“What if I’m not right for them?” The whispered admission squeezes my heart and twists it until I’m not even sure if it’s beating.
“They know you are.”
“I’m not the person I used to be. I don’t know if I’ll ever get rid of Silas’s voice in my head.”
“None of us are who we used to be. That’s the beauty of life and experiences—the good and the bad. It makes us who we’re meant to be. Use your past to draw your future.”
I lower my lashes as new threads of dread worm themselves into the cracks of my heart. “What if my mistakes are actually traits I’ll inadvertently teach the girls?”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved,” he says softly. “And if you took a moment to look inside yourself, you’d see yourself as we do. You can’t keep kids from making mistakes, but you can guide, and teach, and lead by example.”
“That’s what I’m worried about.”
“Then you’re not listening to your own voice, and you’re letting Silas win. You’re exactly who those girls need. You’re exactly who Beck needs, but if you can’t see that, then maybe you’re not who I thought you were.”
His words puncture my walls. My chin wobbles, and I bite my lip.
“Tabby’s room is through there,” he says, pointing at a door to my right. “Help yourself to whatever you need and get some sleep. Text Tabby if you’re missing anything, but I don’t think you should go back to them until you’re all in—heart, mind, and soul. Beck and those girls need you, but not part of you. They need all of you. If you can’t give that to them, then walk away now.”
“But—”
He shakes his head. “I’m heading back to help clean up. Get some sleep, Stella. And think about what I said.”
He walks silently to the door, but I can’t watch him go. The click of the lock tells me I’m alone in this cold apartment with thoughts so loud and violent in my head I can’t differentiate them from my own.
If you can’t give that to them, then walk away now.
