Page 32 of Love Notes & Lifelines
I roll my eyes but answer the call, internally cringing because Elijah is about to hear my horribly fake impression of myself. “Single Dad Hotline, I’m your helper. How can I help you?”
Elijah covers his mouth, and I glare at him, but his shaking shoulders convey his laughter, so I drop my chin to my chest and stare at the floor.
“I don’t know what to do with her. She’s a pooping little terror.”
“Beck?”
Elijah laughs out loud this time, and I shoot him a death glare while holding up one finger to my lips.
“Oh, shit. Not again,” Beck whines.
“What’s going on? Is everyone okay?”
“It’s Ruby.” He’s panting like he’s working out, though I’m sure he’s not. “She hates me. She must. Why else would she continue to strip naked and take a dump on the floor? Is she part dog? Is this a thing that people don’t talk about? Help me, Jane. Please. I cannot clean up one more pile of human shit full of corn. And don’t get me started on Daisie Dog. She keeps sniffing around it as though she’s considering eating it and then I will vomit. I will. I swear it.”
It’s hard to keep my laughter in when I can so clearly envision him in full-on distress. His dark brown hair is for sure standing on end and his green eyes are panicked but determined.
“Deep breath, Beck. Remember, you’ve got this.”
“You keep saying that, and every time you do, one of them takes it to the next level just to fuck with me.”
“First, does Ruby have a new diaper on?”
He snorts. “Hell yes, she does. I duct taped that thing on her good.”
“Oh no. It’s not too tight, is it?”
“No, she’s rolling around in applesauce on the floor while I gag over the giant turd she left in front of the door.” He’s so loud I pull the phone away from my ear and his voice still fills the room.
Elijah has fallen out of his chair and is rolling in laughter. Probably not too different than Ruby.
“Where’s Emmy?”
“She standing here, holding the bag open for me.”
Beck wretches, and I hear Emmy giggle.
“What a good helper, Emmy.”
She doesn’t get a chance to respond because Beck is back and nearing hysterics.
“What am I doing wrong? This can’t be right, right? People wouldn’t do this over and over again if this was normal. I think she’s trying to break me. I see it in her little eyes, and I hear it when she laughs after I step in her shit. She thinks this is all funny. But news flash, it’s not. Not even a little. Please tell me what to do. Help me before I step in any more corny shit.”
Elijah can’t control himself and runs from the room. I hear his howl of laughter a few seconds later.
“This is a phase she’s going through. Not all kids do this exactly, but it won’t last forever. She might be ready to start potty training. Some kids basically do it themselves pretty early, but I admit, this is probably a little too early.”
“Oh no.”
I hear a loud thud and my heart rate accelerates. “What was that? Did someone fall?”
“Only my pride, my dignity, and my head hitting the floor. I’m barely keeping them alive, Jane. I’m not ready for potty training.”
“You can work up to it. In the meantime, check to see if she has any one-piece pajamas with a zipper.”
“She does,” he groans. “All her laundry is on the floor in the hallway.”
“It’s what?”
