Page 106 of Late Nights & Love Lines
My entire body is hollow, but I manage a nod, then turn sideways to walk past her on the stairs without jostling Miles.
I forgot that I’d agreed to a sleepover. Such a stupid thing to forget. What else am I failing at?
I watch Miles for a long time after I tuck him into bed—his heart-shaped lips press into a thin line and fear still mars his angelic face, but he never even flinched as I tucked him in. I can’t begin to imagine how exhausting all those lies were for his confused eight-year-old mind.
Eventually, I push away from the bed and quietly shut the door behind me. In the hallway, I turn left toward the stairs, but I only make it two steps before I spin in place and quietly enter Rowan’s room.
Without turning on the light, I strip down to my boxers and climb into her bed. Her scent envelops me in goodness I don’t deserve but greedily hold on to with both hands.
How many ways have I let my children down? I count them in my head like sheep, over and over again until the bed dips and I jolt awake. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep.
“Hey, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you, but you are in my bed,” Rowan says lightly. “What’s going on?”
My nerves are shot, so I pull her into my side. She stiffly rests her head on my chest, and her fingers tap in time to my rapidly beating pulse that I’m trying desperately to calm.
“Seb, are you okay? You’re scaring me.”
“They told Miles it was his fault.” The confession is ripped from my throat. It roars in the silence of my mind until my throat is raw, and Rowan stiffens against me. My voice fills the room, but it’s jagged and broken as I relay what Miles told me at the beach.
“Oh, no,” she murmurs when I pause to collect my thoughts.
“It gets worse.”
Rowan shakes her head against my chest before wrapping her arm around my belly and hooking a leg over my hips. She willingly holds on to me as though she’s trying to protect me, and it all breaks free.
“Mya told him that if he told me the truth, I’d be mad at him and not love him anymore.”
Her stiff body goes full-on rigor mortis. “That cunty bitch,” she seethes.
It’s so unexpected I choke on a bitter laugh. “That’s not a word you hear every day.”
“I hate the C-word, but if anyone deserves it, it’s Mya. I’ve never even met her, but I want to rip her tongue out.”
“My girl chooses violence. In this instance, I wholeheartedly approve.” This time, my shoulders shake with a morbid chuckle, and some of the tension in my shoulders eases as my hand finds its home on her spine.
“This isn’t funny, Seb.” Her fist slams against her mattress with all the outrage that’s consuming my body. “That’s a horrifying thing to say to a child. And he’s been carrying that guilt all this time because of her. It’s so unfair.” Her voice cracks, and I’ve never been so thankful to have someone at my side.
“I know. I broke in a million different ways I didn’t think I was capable of when he told me. H—how did I not see any of this? For fuck’s sake, he told me she didn’t like them when they weren’t babies anymore, and when I replayed our life in my mind, he’s probably right. He’s eight years old, and he saw the truth when I couldn’t.”
Rowan’s arm and leg squeeze me more tightly—she’s offering support in a way that goes against everything she’s held true, and she’s doing it for me. Rowan Ellis has just taken ownership of my heart and swallowed the key.
“She loved them until they started having their own opinions. But then we’d have another baby, and I attributed her behaviorto being postpartum or adjusting to life with multiple kids, so while she focused on the baby, I did what I could with the big kids. How did I fail them so completely?”
“You didn’t, Seb. You thought you had a partner, and you trusted her.”
“I have to find her.”
Rowan attempts to peel herself away from my body. She couldn’t possibly believe I’d want Mya back after this, could she?
Holding her tightly to my side, I say, “I have to make sure she can’t waltz back into their lives whenever it suits her. She’s done enough damage to last a lifetime.”
“Okay,” she says, but it doesn’t sound okay, but I’m just too tired to dig any deeper tonight.
“I want to stay with you tonight. Is that okay?”
“What about the kids?”
“I’ll get up early and go back to my room. Tonight, I need to hold you close. Please give me that.”
