Page 119 of Heart Strings & Hotlines
I stand on the periphery of their lives, watching and learning. I’m not lonely, and I’m not sad, but I am here. I’m present, and that’s more alive than any other day I’ve ever lived.
This kind of social gathering may never be my scene, but I’ll show up. I’ll be part of their lives, and I’ll do whatever’s necessary to give them any good pieces of myself I can dig up. They’re worth that and so much more.
“Wilder.” My shoulders tense when someone steps up beside me. After two long breaths, I shift my head to acknowledge them. It’s Becker Hayes. We exist in similar economic circles, but that’s the extent of our acquaintance, as far as I’m concerned.
“Not really your scene, huh?”
Please, Lord. Spare me the small talk.
I grunt in response. It’s usually enough to have people move along, but Becker is apparently hell-bent on a conversation.
“Wasn’t mine either, but it grows on you.”
“What does?” Shit. Spending so much time with my girls makes small talk almost involuntary.
Becker points around at the small gathering with a bottle of beer in his hands. “Family. We’re not so different, you know. Last year, I took custody of my two very young nieces. Stepping into fatherhood without any experience is a complete and total mindfuck.”
Against my better judgment, I snort, the sound a mix of frustration and a laugh.
I’ve never been an insecure person. Growing up knowing that everyone calls you a freak tends to give you a pretty thick skin, but the acidity settling in the back of my throat has me wondering if I’m experiencing it now.
“How did you know you could do it—take them in and not fuck them up?” I finally ask.
The air shifts, as if he shrugged next to me. “I didn’t, and I still don’t. But I know that me giving them a hundred percent of my effort was better than five percent of someone else’s. I also knew the moment I held them that I would burn the entire world to the ground to keep them safe, so, you know, that made the decision easy for me.”
“Safety is important, and a constant job.”
“True. The best you can do in this scenario is ask yourself, do you believe that your kind of fucked-up is better than the alternative? If the answer is yes, then you know what you have to do.”
I know I’m better for Kara than my father, and I know I’ll try harder for Lottie than anyone else. Admitting that quiets some of the questions my narrator has been plaguing me with lately.
Am I supposed to thank Becker Hayes? Luckily, he fills the silence, and I don’t have to answer that.
“Come join us.” He points to a table with a few men sitting around, talking and laughing. I’d rather rake my nails down tree bark. “No pressure, but Sebastian and even Leo all have experiences worth knowing. The best we can do as guardians is learn from each other.”
“I’ll think about it.”
He lifts his hand as though he’s going to clap me on the back, then lowers it without touching me, which I’m grateful for. I’m on edge enough as it is.
“The offer stands today, tomorrow, or next year. Parenting is hard, Thane. But I admire a man who steps up to a challenge he feels ill-equipped for. In my experience, that usually means you’re doing life right.”
I stare straight ahead, and he leaves me to join the group of men. I’m transfixed by how easily he settles into the conversation as I study the interaction from man to man.
I’m not sure how long I stand to the side, but eventually, the sway of Lottie’s hips hypnotizes me as she walks through the party with me in her sights.
There’s something different in her posture. She’s not running, but there’s an energy in her that’s firing off electric currents the closer she gets.
“Everything okay?” If Rowan did something to upset my woman, there will be repercussions.
“Rowan’s in love.”
My initial response isso fucking what?, but I keep it to myself. What do you say in this situation? Congrats? Lottie’s not in love with them. It’s best if I keep my mouth closed.
“So she doesn’t want to oversee the expansion of the hotline into Europe.” Her posture curls inward, and she stares at the ground.
Rowan is an asshole. Nope, also not something Lottie would appreciate.
“But she does want to help in any way that she can from here, and that sent my mind whirling in a new direction.” She tilts her face to mine, and it’s like being shot in the fucking heart.
