Page 13 of A Suitable Brat
Hely’s glance said Hely could see all of that, but he didn’t say a word.He simply began to weave around tables in the direction of one of the open booths.Westin followed him, pausing to grab the bag he’d stashed beneath his table.He carried it in one hand and considered what angle Hely might use and what he ought to say in response, although Hely had years of experience at conversation, and anyway, Westin was sure that his feelings were already visible to Hely and anyone else who knew him well.
Not the brat, or so he hoped with a drink in his hand that said the brat might not knownow, but he could guess.And soon.
Westin exhaled heavily and didn’t wait to drop onto one of the cushioned benches that made up the booth.The booth itself was shaped nearly like a horseshoe, with wooden benches backed by walls that reached the ceiling.The far wall at the other end of the booth had a window with curtains that could be drawn for privacy.Opposite that, instead of a wall was a curtain that reached the floor, made of a red fabric that didn’t block all sound or all light, but blocked enough of it to make the space feel secluded.The common room of Solace House was never all that loud anyway.Conversations, wherever they took place, were meant to be private.
The booths were simplymoreprivate, and quieter, for those who needed that without the implications of one of the rooms.Although the built-in cabinets below the bench seats held all kinds of supplies, from books on philosophy and poetry, to candles, to towels, to more oils, some of the perfumed variety meant to diffuse through the room to aid in finding calm, and some for an entirely different purpose.
Hely peered beyond the curtain over the window at the storm, clucked his tongue, and went about lighting a few candles and placing them in the holders on the top of the shortest section of bench, the one beneath the window.Then he drew the large curtain closed behind him and sat opposite Westin on the other cushioned bench.There was a small space between them.Enough for their knees not to touch and then some, but not enough to dance or move freely or have more than a handful of people in the booth at one time.
Westin, feeling stubborn, had another drink of his lovely tea, then got up enough to put the cup next to one of the candles.Without much to focus on except the candle smoke and the more distant murmurs from the common room, he began to tap his fingers on his knee.Which Hely would note, so Westin pulled in a breath and then reached into his bag to pull out a skein of leafy-green yarn and his knitting needles.He counted along a row to be sure of his place and arranged the finished portion of the scarf across his lap.Then he stopped.
“Take your time.”
“Did you need a break?”Westin asked immediately.“I wasn’t going to ask for conversation.If you’re after a moment of rest, we can just sit.”
Hely’s lips quirked.“You aren’t even trying to avoid talking.You will genuinely sit there, unhappy and worrying, to give me a moment of rest.That said, because you have such a disciplined mind and such a steady nature, if you’d truly wanted peace tonight, you would have found it, no matter who walked through the door.”
Westin thought that description made him sound about as exciting as a rock.Which was in itself a strange thought to have.Westin didn’t want to be exciting.But he might have at least wanted to beinteresting.It might have made him feel less tired, ancient, hobbled, and stupid.He liked being steady and reliable, but it wasn’t much of a draw, was it?And he’d wanted a draw.He could admit that now.
He really was a fool.
“I didn’t think of what my leaving would be like for him,” he admitted aloud because he deserved some shame.“I didn’t want to.I knew it would upset him, but I mostly thought that it would be like any other outguard retiring.Maybe he’d feel it a little more, I hoped, although then I also knew—believed—I was flattering myself to think that.And I didn’t want to say goodbye.Even if I could convince him to visit me once in a while, it wouldn’t be the same.”
“Will you still visit us here?”Hely asked unhappily.“Or is this the last time we will all see you?”
Westin dropped his head to accept the reproach.“You’ll see me.You know I don’t live far from here.Well, they don’t—Iwon’t, soon.I’ve been avoiding thinking about afterward and what it will be like.I wasn’t deliberately hiding this from everyone.But they were right: Chaus, Sun, anyone else who guessed.I can’t take another winter with the cold, and the dark, and the time away from—everyone.It gets worse every year, but I thought I could bear it a little longer.If I didn’t talk about it, it was because it sounds ridiculous, giving in to some frost.”
Hely seemed about to say something so Westin gently shook his head.“It’s not ridiculous, perhaps, but itfeelsthat way.Mornings after a night on the ground are harder now, even without snow or ice.And he’s….”
He didn’t finish but Hely nodded.“I understand.”
But he didn’t move, waiting for Westin to keep going.It always took a while; Westin wasn’t used to laying out his feelings and strange worries.He had to be poked and prodded, and… apparently Hely wasn’t the only one to have seen that about him.
“Ah,” Westin sighed it.“I’ll explain that to him, if he lets me.”The possibility that Sun wouldn’t allow him anything anymore and simply move on was very real.Westin rubbed his temple.“I should have at least mentioned the idea to him, even if it did show my years and exhaustion.It’s not like Sun doesn’t already know my age.He wouldn’t have been surprised.At me leaving, yes.But not at why.He’s not even really surprised about that now.”
“No, that’s not what upset him.”
Despite Hely’s agreement, Westin remained unsatisfied.“I understand that he’s angry,” he said carefully.“But he shouldn’t be this upset.I was going to tell him.He should at least trust that.I was going to tell everyone.”
Hely waited a moment.“Is that really why you believe he’s upset?”
The moment he took was as pointed as the question that followed it, so Westin paused as well to reconsider Sun’s words.
Sun had said that was why, or at least, he’d spoken harshly when he’d asked if Westin hadn’t been going to tell him.If that wasn’t what he’d meant, then Sun had been pretending with him.Westin tensed.If Sun had been pretending, then Sun had been protecting himself.FromWestin.
Westin went cold.“I didn’t know I mattered that much to him.”Enough for Sun to lie and hide.Enough to feel betrayed, when Westin had only ever wanted Sun to feel safe.
Hely was gentler than he could have been.“Tell me, when your family dropped the fifth beat from their name, did they also change the family motto to ‘keep your head down and reach for nothing?’”
Westin glanced toward the curtain out of reflex more than any real fear.Corilyethmeant pitying looks or sneers from other nobles, and stiffness or discomfort from most outguards.Some knew, usually those who had joined around the same time Westin had, but Westin wasn’t the only one in the Outguard to use a strange name.He doubted there even was a place called South Burrow, for one.He left people with their secrets unexamined and usually got the same courtesy in return.
“Oh no.You didn’t tell him that either, did you?”Hely clearly despaired of him.
“I would have when I invited him to come visit me.If he actually came.”Westin ignored the fact that he had wanted Sun to meet his family for years now.Not for any particular reason, he’d told himself.Only that Sun might enjoy rest in a place that cost him nothing, and hopefully wouldn’t find the small estate too boring.Yet the truth beneath all of that was that Westin had wanted Sun to stay.He’d wanted Sun to be content with a boring life with a boring man.It was almost shameful, which was likely why Westin hadn’t wanted to face it.
Nonetheless, it had taken Hely only moments of observing Westin around Sun to suss that out.Which meant it was only luck that Sun had not.
Westin pushed away that possibility for the present and considered the friend patiently waiting for him to own up to what an ass he was.
