Page 50 of Ashes of Us
Closure. That's what I'd told myself I was looking for. Captain Carter had given me a week to get it, and I'd driven two hours thinking an apology would do it. Thinking if I could just tell her I was sorry, just see her face one more time, I could?—
No.
Fuck.
I hadn't been looking for closure at all, had I?
I'd been hoping she'd... what? Forgive me? Take me back? Tell me it was okay, that we could try again?
The thought made me sick. Made me want to punch something.
How fucking delusional could I be? I'd cheated on her for four months. She'd caught me with my hands on another woman. She'd called off our wedding and rebuilt her entire life without me. And some pathetic part of me had still been hoping that showing up with an apology would somehow?—
God, I was an idiot.
She didn't need my apology. Didn't want it. And seeing her, actuallyseeingher in that bakery she'd built, thriving without me, with some guy who clearly knew how to treat her right… that didn't give me closure. It ripped everything back open.
Because I finally got it.
The problem wasn't just that I'd cheated. The problem was me.
I'd been comfortable. Too comfortable. We'd fallen into a routine—work, wedding planning, Sunday dinners with family—and somewhere along the way I'd stopped seeing Piper. Stopped really looking at her. She'd become part of the furniture, part of the plan, part of the safe, predictable life I'd built.
And then Jenna showed up and paid attention to me. Made me feel seen. Made me feel like I was more than just a guy going through the motions.
Except that was bullshit too, wasn't it? Jenna didn't really see me. She saw what she wanted to see. And I'd let her because it was easier than admitting I was bored with my own life. Easier than doing the actual work of staying present in my relationship.
I'd told Piper the bakery was too risky. Too impractical. We needed stability, needed to save money for the house, for the wedding, for the future we were planning.
But in reality? I'd been scared. Scared she'd succeed and outgrow me. Scared she'd realize she didn't need me to build the life she wanted.
Turned out I was right. Just took her catching me cheating to figure it out.
And when everything fell apart, when I got caught, I ran. Transferred stations. Worked myself into the ground, convinced I was dealing with it when really I was just punishing myself in a different location.
I was still running.
Still the same fuck-up, just with a different address.
A duck landed on the creek with a splash, paddled toward the opposite bank. The sun was starting to set, turning the water orange and gold. I'd sat here with Piper once, maybe twice. She'd loved this spot. Said it made the shitty apartment worth it.
I pulled out my phone and opened the notes app.
Fifty-three drafts. Fifty-three long texts I'd written to her over the past year. Apologies, explanations, desperate pleas that I'd never sent because I knew that she didn't want to hear them.
I selected them all.
My thumb hovered over the delete button.
These were all I had left. The only place where I could still tell her things, still pretend she might care what I had to say. Deleting them felt like cutting the last thread.
Good.
I hit delete.
The screen went blank except for one note:New Note.
I stared at it for a long moment. Then I started typing.
