Page 14 of More Than a Friend
I take a deep breath before I do as she says, sitting on the opposite end of the couch and finally looking at her. Her lips are pinched in a thin line, and a furrow wrinkles her forehead. Her perfectly shaped eyebrows are drawn in, and her eyes search my face.
“Is there another reason you want me to show you what it’s like being with a woman? Or is it just because I have experience?” she asks, and a war of emotions rages inside me.
Do I tell her the reason I wantheris because Iwanther? Do I tell her she’s the reason I realized I was into women? Do I confess that over the past two years, the platonic friendshipI’ve felt for her since high school has morphed into a romantic, aching love so deep I feel it in my marrow?
Those are feelings I’ve only ever discussed with my therapist, and I’ve never been completely honest with her. I can’t bring myself to confess my deepest feelings because bringing those to the surface would feel like cutting myself open, only to have someone pour alcohol on the wound.
If I speak them out loud then they become real, and if they’re real then I could get hurt. Skylar would have even more power over me and would be able to crumble my heart to dust with one rejection.
No, I can’t tell her the real reason. The feelings I have for her will have to stay locked in a box and buried because there’s too much to lose if they surface.
Chapter 8
Skylar
Waitingfor Ava to answer my question feels like waiting for someone to draw blood. I know it’s going to hurt, but it needs to be done, so I’ll suffer through it.
Ava takes a deep breath, and I brace myself for… I don’t know. A love confession, maybe?
At least, it’s what my poor heart is hoping for.
Though I’m not sure how I would handle it, either.
I should have never brought up last night. I should have let Ava ignore it and pretend it never happened because that’s what she wanted to do; I could tell. She wasn’t going to bring it up because she’s embarrassed.
When she told me she asked because it wasme,hope inflated my chest, but it quickly deflated when she rambled on about trusting me.
Not because she has feelings for me.
“It’s partly because you have experience but mostly because I trust you,” she explains. There it is again, that word.
Trust.
Would she still trust me if she knew I’ve been harboring feelings for her for the last thirteen years? Would she still trust me if she realized the reason I’ve never had a serious, lasting relationship is because everyone eventually figures out I’m in love with my best friend, and no one wants to compete with that? Even when she was married, I couldn’t completely hide my feelings.
Ava’s just never noticed.
Ava continues on, “I don’t know what I’m doing, Sky. With any of it. Dating, sex, parenting.” A single tear falls over her lash line, and she quickly swipes it away. “I don’t want to put myself out there only to be embarrassed because the only experience I have is with a singular man. I don’t want to be laughed at or made fun of for being inexperienced when I’m almost thirty.”
I’m going to regret this.
But I’d regret seeing Ava get hurt even more.
“Okay, I’ll help you.”
Ava’s head snaps up, her eyes full of hope and gratitude. “Really?”
Yeah, this is going to end terribly. Heart, strap in because we’re fucked. Literally.
“Yes. But only once. We can’t let this affect our friendship afterwards. I don’t want to lose you, Ava.”
Ava’s nodding before I’ve even finished my sentence. “I don’t want to lose you, either. Okay, one time. I understand. When…”
I can’t help the small tilt of my lips. She’s so eager to get started.
“We can wait until the next time you don’t have the kids or…”
“Or?”
