Page 136 of Facing Off
Pain stabs through me, and I clench my muscles. The night I’m afraid to remember stomps on the doorstep of my mind.
“I don’t talk a lot,” continues Jesse’s dad. “Never have. So I’m going to let other people share what made Jesse so special.”
A line of people go to the front of the room. There are relatives, old teachers, coaches, neighbors, and more. They all have prepared speeches about Jesse. And I wish I could hear them, but there’s a roar in my ears and shame curling in my gut.
Sonya’s hand finds my knee under the table. Notstopping muscles from jumping, but soothing them as they do.I couldn’t survive this without her. The noise in my ear recedes enough to be manageable. I’m sipping breaths in.
When the speeches end, Jesse’s dad goes back to the podium. “I believe Jesse heard all that.” His voice cracks. “He was very lucky to be loved by all of you.”
Lucky?
My gut cramps into an unforgiving knot.
Jesse was not lucky having me as his friend.
Do I really think I deserve to be here?
I thought I could do this, but I can’t. I shouldn’t be there. Not after what I’ve done?—
Guilt climbs my throat as I stand and back away as quietly as I can. I’ll apologize to Sonya afterwards. First, I have to get out of this room. I don’t belong. I don’t deserve?—
“Adrian.”
I’m almost at the exit, but I turn.
It’s Jesse’s dad. He’s calling my name.
Heads are pivoting and people are whispering. I’ve been recognized, and I can’t breathe. Not because of that, but because Jesse’s dad meets my eyes.
“Son?”
My eyes well up. There’s a wallop in my chest that grows and grows until my knees shake. We’ve spoken online over the years, but this is the first time I’ve been in the same room and heard him call me that in so long.
“You don’t have to come up here,” he says, “but if you wanted to say a few words, I would like that.”
The corners of my eyes prick. I can’t move. My throat feels hot and tight.
Then I feel it, the weight of a hand against my lower back. Sonya.
“Whatever you decide, I’m with you,” she whispers. Nopressure, just unwavering support. It’s a balm, lending me strength. Somehow, I’m heading towards the podium.
Jesse’s dad offers me his hand when I reach him. I shake it as I step onto the stage.This isn’t real. I realize it is when the podium creaks. I’m holding it so hard, the wooden edges bite into my palms.
People are whispering louder.
I’m speechless, I’m so ashamed.
Sonya steps into my line of vision.You can do this, she mouths.
Her gaze is stubborn and fierce, and beats back my turmoil for me. She’s always beautiful but in all black, she’s also a warrior. This time she’s fighting for me. Emotion hitches in my throat and my words start to unstick.
“Jesse was my best friend. And…from the moment I met him, I knew he was going to change the world.”
I take a long, deep breath.
“I wasn’t the least bit surprised when he was picked to be on the Canadian World Junior team because Jesse’s talent was that undeniable. Everyone wanted him, and they also cheered him on. That’s because bigger than anything else was Jesse’s heart. He kept saying to me, ‘Adrian, we’re going to end up on the same team, become the best players in the NHL, and one day, play for Team Canadatogether.”
I shake my head. “This year, I was invited to be the captain for Team Canada at the World Championships, but I couldn’t imagine being there without him. Actually…for a long time…” My voice thickens. “I couldn’t imagineanythingwithout him. When he got the news about playing for the Juniors, instead of celebrating for him, I got scared. I thought I was getting left behind. So the day I found out he signed, I wallowed at home, thinking only about myself.”
