Page 51 of Tragic Empire
On to more pressing matters, I all but run up the stairs to get to Ana. The need to make sure that she’s okay before I begin to spiral.
Sure enough, I find her exactly how my brother described. Sitting back against Cole’s headboard, hugging a pillow to her chest, and staring at the wall blankly. She’s left the door open, and she doesn’t move her gaze when I enter. She continues to sit there, motionlessly, even as I come closer.
Toeing off my shoes, I climb up next to her, legs extended and back against the upholstered bed’s head.
“Thinking about him today?”
Mutely, her chin dips.
“Do you want to talk about him?”
Ana doesn’t immediately reply. Instead, I listen as she takes four soft breaths. In and out, relaxed and slow.
“I shouldn’t.”
“Why not,forza?”
Her lip trembles. “You’re my husband. I shouldn’t speak about my ex-boyfriend, it’s bad form, even if our marriage isn’t real.”
My hand flexes into a fist, and I have to force my voice to remain controlled when I reply. “Our marriage isveryreal, Ana. I told you as much on our wedding day.”
“O-okay,” she breathes, likely taken back by my stern tone.
“And as for what you should or shouldn’t speak about. I don’t give a shit what’sbad formor not. I’m a widow, Ana. Your boyfriend was killed in front of you. We’re bound to speak of them. It’s healthy to communicate when things are on our mind, even if it’s hard or uncomfortable.”
There’s a difference between dwelling on the past and making your partner uncomfortable, and needing your spouse to support you when you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable. Ana could talk to me for hours about her relationship with Cole Knight, and it wouldn’t change a thing for me. He’s gone, and I’m here now. If she needs to get her feelings out in the open, I’ll always be ready to listen.
“Cole scared me at first,” she admits, biting her lip. “When I met him.”
“Did he?” I ask, relieved that she’s changed her mind about talking.
“He didn’t hide how much he was drawn to me. He was utterly obsessed from the minute we met. He wouldn’t take his eyes off of me and I had no idea how to deal with it.”
I had heard as much from Jade in the past, not that it frightened Ana, but that Cole was immensely infatuated with her.
“The mafia thing was still a shock. I mean, this boy who I knew could kill a man without blinking wanted me and how on earth does anyone hear that and not feel a bit frightened?”
“It’s understandable,” I agree.
“I shouldn’t have let my fear keep me away from him for so long,” she mutters, picking at her nails. It’s a bad fidgeting habit, but at least her eyes have finally left the wall. “I could have had more time with him, if I wasn’t so hesitant. Who am I to mourn his death when I barely let him have me before he was ripped away?”
“You loved him, Ana,” I try to reason.
“But I didn’t!” she cries out, startling me. “I-I was starting to, I think. I c-could have, but I didn’t love Cole, I didn’t.”
She’s beginning to cry now, eyes welling up with moisture as she faces me. I want to reach out and cradle her face, to catch the tears before they begin to truly fall.
“Ana…”
“No, no, no, it’s all my fault.”
“It’s not,” I insist.
“I can’t stop crying all the time, and this ache won’t go away, and worst of all I feel like some kind of grief fraud,” Ana whispers, her voice cracking with emotion.
“Everyone deals with it differently,” I begin, trying to comfort her. She shuts me down with a stiff shake of her head.
“It’s not that, it’s just—” she sniffs, trying to find the words. “I feel like I’ve lost everyone, and I nearly have… but I?—”
