Page 90 of Darkness I Become
“It’s fine,” Cade managed to get out after a couple more deep breaths. “You did what you could, under the circumstances. Give the dead men’s families extra rations for the next six months as compensation.”There. That wasn’t so bad.
Waters looked stunned. “Uh…okay, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Sure,” Cade said gamely, rubbing his eyes, which were now hurting in addition to his head. “You can get the hell out of here.”
Waters left without another word, looking shellshocked. It took Cade a second to understand that the Skulls probably would’veinflicted some dire punishment on Waters, or even the people of Little River at large, for their failure to capture a target. He smiled grimly as he leaned back in his chair.
That’s the Wasteland for you: not one trace of humanity left.
He sat there for a long time, fighting his migraine as he tried to think. Asha naturally dominated his thoughts, and he wondered where she was, and what she was doing, and if her new friends were treating her right. He worried that she’d fallen in with someone even more dangerous than himself, someone she may not be able to escape from. He hated the thought that even now, someone like Angel might be hurting her, and he was once again failing to stop it from happening.
He’d failed her in every conceivable way, and he’d thought he could learn to live with that. Maybe it would be a good thing for her to get away from him and this mess he’d made for them. She’d been so disgusted by him during their last fight.
But the thought of her trapped in another situation where she was being violated made him realize he couldn’t live with that. He had to find a way to track her down. Just to make sure she was okay. Not trapped. That she was safe, and warm, and fed. And then, hell, if she wanted him to leave, he would.
Cade rose to his feet, decided. This wasn’t a frivolous mission. It was about hersafety,and herwell-being,and it had nothing—nothing whatsoever—to do with the deep, painful longing just to see her beautiful face again. Nothing to do with wanting to hold her, and tell her how wrong he’d been, and how sorry he was. He wasn’t even going to do that, anyway. It was more like a wellness check than a visit. A wellness check over possibly hundreds of kilometres, sure, but still.
This was altruism in its purest form.
“So…if I have this right,” Leo said, pacing Cade’s meeting room, “you’re going to leavenowto search for Asha. You don’t know where she is, or how far she’s gone, or even what direction she’s traveling. She’s with a group of strangers that we know are armed, and she doesn’t want to see you.”
Cade sighed and rubbed his eyes. Trust good, old, ever-rational Leo to lay out how truly insane his plan was. The doc knew how to cut through the noise.
“I don’t know where she is,” he admitted, “but if I can take down Clyde during his next visit, get access to his PID…I can track her, if she’s in range.”
“From the Order, who we’re trading slaves to, under threat of certain death,” Dom said flatly. “Right?”
Cade winced. “Yeah. I didn’t say it was mybestplan.”
Even Dom, usually so impassive, shot Cade a look of incredulity.
“Arguably,” Leo continued, acting as if Cade hadn’t spoken, “the entire power structure of the Guardians will collapse as soon as you leave, which means you’ll never be able to come back. Everything we’ve worked for, all these months, was for nothing. And you want Dom and I to stay here, without you, because you somehow imagine you’ll make it on your own in the Wasteland, even though we barely managed it before with the three of us?Andwe somehow have to ambush Clyde and take his PID?”
Cade sighed. “I know it’s crazy. But I can’t see a way for me to stay. I’m not cut out for this, and Asha might be in danger. You know I’m not doing well; you’re the one who’s been giving me the weed to manage my migraines, for God’s sake.”
That seemed to give Leo pause, but Dom broke in: “The Settlements are relying on you.”
“Yeah, well, you know what, Dom?” Cade snapped. “I didn’t sign up to traffic innocent people. If I remember right, the whole point of me taking over was toendthat practice. And now, I’m becoming just like Angel.”
“You’re not,” Leo said immediately, but Cade shook his head vigorously.
“No, it’s the fucking truth,” he growled. “That’s what Asha was trying to tell me, and I didn’t fucking listen. I can’t be part of this anymore.”
He blew out a breath. “You know, before Asha came along, I probably would’ve tried harder to make this work, because I was used to being unhappy. The idea of signing on for more years of unhappiness wouldn’t have bothered me because I didn’t know the damn difference.”
It was him pacing now, as though trying to find a path out of this godforsaken place. His chest felt heavy with loss as he trained his eyes on the floor.
“I was happy with her,” Cade croaked. “I’d never felt anything like that before, not with Janie, or with anyone. With her, I wasn’t just…surviving.Getting through it. It felt like there was something…I don’t know, purposeful? About it. Somehow. I just need to see her again—even if it’s stupid and risky.”
He glanced up to see Leo’s piercing gaze. It was the stare he leveled at patients to get the truth out of them when they lied about drugs or pre-existing conditions.I’m not here to get you in trouble,Cade had heard him say a million times over to some young, plastered private.I’m here to help.
Dom looked largely unmoved, his arms folded over his chest, but then, he always looked like that, so Cade wasn’t sure how to interpret it. There was a pregnant pause.
“So,” Dom said, with his characteristic gravel, “when’re we leaving?”
“Wait, what?” Cade stared at him, stunned.
“It’s October,” Leo said slowly, “so we should probably make a move now. Winter’s coming, and being on the road won’t be easy when it arrives. We’ll have to dry as many of your plants as we can.”
