Page 97 of Darkness I Become
Spring 2098
Thank God it was spring.
Cade reveled in the warmer temperature as he walked beside the wagon he was guarding. It’d been a long fucking winter for all of them, trekking through the snow, and they all looked thin as a rail, except for the kid. They gave Cassie most of the food they managed to get, and the rest of them tried to grin and bear it.
Because Ashburn wouldn’t be livable without major repairs, they’d decided to settle at the Post for a while. They needed supplies to rebuild, and they needed goods to trade for them, plus they needed a way to pay their way at the boarding house they were staying at.
As a result, Cade and Dom had taken on mercenary work, which was always needed at a trading post to protect shipments from bandits and gangs. Leo offered his medical services, which paid well because there were few legitimate medical practitioners available. Lana got work at the only tavern, a place calledLongfellow’sthat sold shitty stale beer to travelers and residents alike.
“Dealing with drunk men is one of my skills,” she’d said with a shrug, and for the first time in a long time, Cade had laughed out loud.
“It sure is, isn’t it?”
The boarding house they were staying in was kind of crappy—lots of roaches—but at least there were no bedbugs. Lana and Cassie shared a room, and the three soldiers shared another. It was cramped,but they worked so much—both at their jobs and at Ashburn— that it didn’t really matter.
The worst news was that Asha had disappeared off the tracker some time ago. Before Cade’s sessions with Leo, that probably would have made him lose it again. But (at least according to Leo) he was making good progress, and he held it together. Even if he never saw her again, he had a new life he was building here. Even if he worried about her constantly.
The strange thing, however, was that she wasn’talwaysoff the tracker. She reappeared periodically, always in odd locations, and disappeared again before Cade could reach her. He’d taken to carrying the PID with him everywhere, checking it obsessively, but he was never near enough to meet up with her. It was infuriating.
“Eyes forward, recruit,” the big, burly guy leading the mercenaries said to him.
Cade sighed. He’d never been good at taking orders.
Asha’s relationship with Kimmy was becoming a problem.
Kimmy wanted more than Asha was willing to give, and Asha’s traitorous heart was starting to care that she was hurting this lonely, clingy woman by stringing her along. She felt guilty now when she thought about the time she’d told Kimmy, in no uncertain terms, that Kimmy wasn’t her girlfriend. The deep hurt—and even worse, the quiet resignation—in Kimmy’s eyes made her feel sick.
Worse, Asha knew her guilt stemmed from the fact that she actually liked Kimmy…a lot. She was the sort of person who was easy to like: easygoing and funny, but passionate and principled. She was a nurse who was genuinely skilled and cared about the people she treated. She worked long, hard hours at the Valley’s clinic, and then came home and worked hard on the farm at Summerhurst. She was pretty, smart, and well-liked by almost everyone in this overly snobby community of farmers, which made her commitment to Asha that much more baffling.
In contrast to Kimmy’s warmth, Asha was quiet, withdrawn, and damaged. As if trying to lure a feral cat from its hiding spot, Kimmykept patiently prodding the walls she’d put up, offering bits of affection as a reward. But it was never going to work.
Asha was never going to love Kimmy. How could she? She practiced the same detachment she’d learned from her short-lived marriage to Eric. She gave little pieces of herself—an affectionate look, an indulgent laugh, and of course, sex—to Kimmy, just enough to keep her interested and briefly satisfied. It was how she’d survived every relationship she’d had except for Cade.
Even thinking his name hurt, which was why she avoided it as much as possible. The well of agony inside her at his absence never ran dry. In her quieter moments, she clutched his dog tags to her heart and endured the hard, bone-shaking sobs that came to her as she wondered what he’d say now, if he could see what she’d become. Would he hate her? Would he be disgusted at how she’d fucked her way to survival? But then, wasn’t that what she’d done with him, anyway? Wasn’t that all she was good at?
Even though she’d once been able to be more herself with Claire, that time was long over. Claire didn’t understand her anymore, which she guessed was fair, since Asha barely understood herself.You’re awful,a small voice in her head kept telling her.You’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to her and Kimmy. Madigan is right.
Self-loathing was her default setting these days, however, and so her conscience could only have so much effect. She’d gotten used to being a disappointment at an early age, and her desperation and nihilism were the only things she had left. In a strange way, knowing that Madigan was right about her pushed her to continue with her plan. If she was already the worst thing that’d ever happened to Kimmy and Claire and everyone else she’d ever met, she might as well try to reach a place where she could live the rest of her miserable life in something like comfort.
Asha sighed, pushing away her thoughts, and sat in the soft spring grass just outside the Post. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the Valley radio she’d traded Zach a bunch of sloppy blowjobs for. He’d been way too easy to manipulate after that first rendezvous between them; he’d been practically giddy about stealing the radio for her, after she’d promised him that he could come with her to the Delta. The lure of adventure for a kid who’d grown up in an isolated farming community was too tempting.
It wasn’t true, of course—they’d never take him in—but she didn’t worry herself too much about that.
“Urgent message for the Delta compound,” she said, slowly and clearly into the mouthpiece, depressing the talk button. “From a fellow compound resident. Over.”
Nothing but static in reply, but she tried again. And again. For hours.
At last, she threw aside the radio in despair, tears choking her. She’d try again another day. It had to work.
It had to.
Cade was tired walking back toward the Post with Leo from a medical job. He’d gone with Leo to watch his back, since the patients weren’t exactly upstanding citizens. Thankfully, there’d been no trouble. He couldn’t wait to go back to their camp just outside the walls and pass out, even though it was mid-afternoon.
The good news was that his days as a mercenary were finally coming to an end. The last couple months had been productive, and they’d gotten Ashburn back to a livable state. The way he felt seeing it again, nestled in between the hills, with its small crystalline lake and fishing cabins, was indescribable. Waves of grief broke over him, but with it came a sense of hope.
A second chance. A new start.
He still missed Asha terribly, like a hole in his heart, and he worried about her constantly. She’d appeared more times on the PID, but again, he’d never been able to catch up to her before she disappeared again. He didn’t know how she kept disappearing, but he lived for those moments when he saw her little red dot moving on the screen. Proof that she was still alive.
