Page 32 of Darkness I Become
That was how she’d handled her husband, Eric. She’d only let him fuck her a few times, and then after that, she’d appeased him with blowjobs. It didn’t stop his simmering resentment, but it did stop him from forcing himself on her, so she’d considered it a win. She’d also had a pushy girlfriend in her teen years that was similarly appeased, so Asha was used to it by now. She wouldn’t enjoy it much, but she’d getthrough it with Cade as many times as he wanted if it meant she never had to deal with Angel again. Just the thought of his name was enough to make her shiver.
Cade busied himself in the bathroom. Though they had no running water, he kept a jug of water on the cracked vanity for washing up, using the sink as a basin like they did in old, period piece movies. Asha had washed up just before and was surprised when he kept his distance, giving her privacy. Then again, he’d done the same when they’d first met.
Still, sharing a bed was another thing altogether. She slid under the furs, snug and warm, and silently waited. Cade entered the room a moment later, carrying a candle with him to light his way. He’d changed into a pair of loose linen shorts, with no shirt. The candlelight danced over his well-defined chest, shoulders, and arms, highlighting the beautiful, sharp angles of his body. The dark ink of his sleeve tattoos only looked lovelier in the soft lighting, and Asha wondered what they meant to him, why he’d gotten them. She definitely shouldn’t have been staring so hard at his hard, carefully sculpted body, and his dark, pensive stare and easy, smartass sense of humour should’ve made her roll her eyes.
She got the sense that maybe sex with him wouldn’t have been so bad, before what happened with Angel. Still, there was a pit in her stomach when she thought about servicing him, and a terrifying desire to flee, to run off into the wilderness and take her chances with the predators and the perils of nature. At least bears didn’t take pleasure in toying with their prey.
As Cade turned to set down his candle, she briefly spotted another, larger tattoo on his back. She wondered what it was, but he took a deep breath and blew out the candles, plunging them into total darkness.
Asha felt his weight as he got into bed next to her. She waited for several minutes, but Cade didn’t speak. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she could just make out his outline. He was lying on his back under the blanket, staring at the ceiling. The light of his eyes told her that he was awake, yet he made no move toward her, staying solidly on his side of the bed.
She suddenly felt awkward. She didn’t know how to broach the subject of fulfilling her side of their bargain. She thought he would do it, because he was the one who’d made it in the first place. He clearlywasn’t shy, and nobody she’d been with before had hesitated when taking what they wanted from her.
“So…” she said quietly, into the blackness. “How are you?”
‘How are you’? What the fuck is that, Asha?
Predictably, Cade gave a low chuckle, but he sounded concerned when he said, “Fine. How about you, darling? I know you rested earlier, but Leo said you were pretty banged up.”
Caught off guard, she replied, “Uh, yeah. I’m still pretty sore.” She swallowed hard, telling herself to stop being such a coward. She rolled onto her side, toward him, steeling herself to make an offer she had no desire to fulfill. “I’m probably not up for sex. But I can satisfy you other ways…if you want.”
The offer hung there awkwardly in the silence of the night, and Asha cringed at her amateur-hour delivery and at the mortification of being in a situation where sex was her only currency.
“You think I want that?” Cade said quietly. “For you to get on your knees, reluctantly, and pretend to be somewhere else while I get off?”
“I wouldn’t—” She cut off her own denial. That was exactly what she’d thought he wanted, if only because that was what theyallwanted, in her experience.
“And then what?” he continued with casual disgust. “I roll over while you try to cry quietly enough into your pillow that I won’t notice? Is that what you think of me, Asha?”
She didn’t know what to say. Finally, she managed, “I didn’t mean to offend—”
“The only thing that offends me,” he cut in, “is that someone, somewhere, did that to you often enough that it’s all you expect. Even in an arrangement like ours.”
“But thatiswhat I agreed to,” Asha objected, hardly believing she was arguing with him over this. “You provide the protection; I provide the blowjobs.”
Cade’s low, ironic laugh danced deliciously over her skin. “I think we can agree that I haven’t exactly delivered. When I manage to do that, maybe we can talk more about it.”
She shifted uncomfortably. She should’ve been relieved that he didn’t want her to service him mechanically, hating herself the entire time. But it left her to wonder what he wanted instead. Sex was a transaction; it was something she did because she had to, not becauseshe wanted to. Either because it was her obligation as Eric’s assigned wife, or, in the case of Shelly, because that was the price of having a relationship.
“So…youdon’twant me to blow you?” Asha clarified, a little in disbelief.
“I didn’t say I didn’twantto,” Cade replied, and she could hear his smile. “But when I take you to bed, Asha, it’ll be becauseyouwant me to. Because you begged me to. And when you do, you’ll taste even sweeter to me, knowing I brought such a brave woman to her knees with desire.”
His words conjured images that made Asha squeeze her thighs together. He thought she was brave? Why? And what would it be like, she wondered, to want someone the way he described? Despite her obvious attraction to him, she didn’t want him quite like that…but his silken, self-assured tone made herwantto want him like that.
But she couldn’t tell him that, so instead, she forced a painful chuckle.
“Don’t hold your breath waiting for that. You’ll die.”
The words were out before she could consider them. She hadn’t intended for them to be a biting insult—they were simply a kneejerk reaction to her discomfort—but she wouldn’t have blamed him for taking it as a ruthless rejection. Or for being angry with her.
But Cade simply laughed, his voice rich with humour.
“And she brings me back to Earth,” he said, thoroughly amused.
He seemed to like her best when she was insulting him.What a strange man.
A scream split the air of the night, startling Asha awake. She bolted upright in bed, saturated with cold sweat, her heart pounding a painful rhythm against her ribs. It took her a moment to understand that it’d been her screaming, that her nightmare had clawed its way out of her into the real world.
