Page 54 of Darkness I Become
Once in the house, Cade pinned her against the wall next to the door, grinding against her as his mouth plundered hers. She felt his erection through their clothes, and for the first time, stone-cold fear shot through her, as if she’d been doused with freezing water. She broke away from his lips and squirmed against him, panting.
Cade, ever attuned to her mood, paused. Spreading kisses across her jaw, he asked softly, “What is it?”
“It’s just…I know where this is going,” Asha replied, and she hated how afraid she sounded.
“It can go wherever you want, darling,” he said, but his tone was different now: gentler, more careful, more like it’d been at the beginning of their time together. She instantly mourned the loss of his wilder, more passionate side. That part of him was new and already addictive.
But still…the memories of her past violation were hard to shake. Even before Angel had raped her, she’d never enjoyed having sex. She’d only ever brought herself to orgasm, and even then, she didn’t masturbate often. She could close her eyes, pretend to be somewhere else, and mindlessly pleasure her husband, but her own pleasure made her feel dirty.
“But you want sex,” Asha said flatly. “And I…”
She couldn’t continue, mostly because Cade had discovered a particularly pleasurable spot just underneath her ear and was now kissing her there. She sighed.
“You want it, too,” he said in her ear, sending pleasant shivers down her spine. “Don’t you?”
Yes.It was the immediate answer of her body, but her mind was still mired in her fears. In some ways, there was more at stake because she cared about him. Shetrustedhim, which was a minor miracle. If he hurt or humiliated her, it would be more painful than she could bear. At least when it was someone she hated or resented, it didn’t destroy the only fragile trust she’d ever managed to cultivate. It could ruin everything.
“I’m afraid,” she blurted out, and her heart started pounding in her ears. This was far more vulnerability than she would’ve ever shown anyone else. “I’m scared that…that you’ll hurt me. And I don’t think I could recover if you did. I’d just…break.”
“Ah, darling,” Cade sighed sadly, and he carefully set her on her feet again. His hand came up to caress her cheek, and she shuddered under his gentle touch. She squeezed her eyes shut, and a single tear cascaded down her face. He caught it with his thumb and wiped it away.
“Look at me,” he said, and she forced herself to meet his solemn eyes. “I’d never do anything you didn’t want me to, my angel. I promised you my protection, and that includes from myself.”
Asha swallowed hard, nodding.
“But hear me now: there is no one, and nothing, that can break your spirit so completely that you wouldn’t recover.Icould never break you, because you’re always at your strongest when your survival is threatened. I’ve seen it.”
His words were a balm on her still-healing wounds. She pulled him down to her and kissed him again, more tenderly than she knew she was capable of.
“Thank you,” she whispered, their noses touching. “I…I think you were right. I do want it. But…” Asha gulped, her nerves at the surface. “I’ve never had sex that I liked before. Never had sex that didn’t hurt me or wasn’t forced on me. I…I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know how.”
“I’ll show you,” Cade replied, sounding much surer than she felt. “Give yourself to me, and I’ll show you how good it can be.”
He was so close that she could feel the heat of his body, the warmth of his breath on her face. She could still taste his lips on hers, and desire burned inside of her in a way that both alarmed and tantalized her.
At the same time, she felt exposed and vulnerable like never before. Cade’s stormy grey eyes bore into hers, as if he could see through her. It felt like he could smell her fear.
“I used to just…submit,” she mumbled, casting her eyes to the floor. “Lock myself away to a secret place in my mind. And wait for it to be over.”
He caught her chin in his hand, tilting her face up to his. His gaze was softer now, yet every bit as intense.
“Submission can be a gift,” he said, his voice a deliciously low timbre. “When willingly given, it can make you feel freer than you ever have before. Safer, too.”
She frowned. “I don’t see how giving up control would make me feel freeorsafe.”
He smiled. “The control is always yours to give and to take back. If you want me to stop, you only have to say so.”
“How do I know you’ll listen?” Asha asked, looking away from his eyes again. They disarmed her in their earnestness.
She flinched as he leaned toward her, but he only lowered his lips to her ear.
“Any coward can brutalize a woman to take what he wants,” Cade said in a coarse whisper, his voice raising goosebumps on her skin. “It takes skill to bring her to her knees willingly. To make her beg you for it, over and over, until she barely knows her own name. Until she offers you her complete surrender, in exchange for what she craves most.”
Asha shuddered, and he pressed his lips softly against her, just below her ear. Even now, with only his breath in her ear and his mouth on her neck, she was suffused with pleasure from head to toe. The ache between her thighs wouldn’t abate. She wanted him now more than she was afraid of him.
“Okay,” she exhaled. “But…I don’t want pain.”
Cade kissedslowly down her neck. “Pain is only ever a tool to enhance your pleasure. But I’ll never use it unless you ask, my angel. Tonight is about trust. About what I can give to you.”
