Page 86 of Darkness I Become
Now, she had nothing left—no hope for the future, no reason to keep going. She’d never be brave enough to put a gun in her mouth, but wandering into the wilderness alone seemed like it’d do the job anyway. Either she’d find somewhere else to be, or she’d die out there.
It was remarkable how little she cared, given all she’d done to survive.
She finished packing what little provisions she had, then holstered her sidearm at her hip. She took Cade’s jacket, figuring that the least he could do would be to give it to her. His dog tags jingled together as she put it on, and she fingered them through her shirt. She considered leaving them behind, but in the end, she couldn’t do it. Instead, she clasped them tighter to her, like a talisman of strength.
It was dark now, and Cade hadn’t returned to the house, so he was likely still at the party. Silently, Asha made her way to the Nest’s gate, where two bored guards waved her off without even asking any questions.
I guess when you’re the chief pimp’s whore, you can do what you want.
And just like that, she was gone.
Chapter 27
The woods were unforgiving at the best of times. In the three days since she’d left the Nest, she’d been exposed to poison ivy, had tripped and twisted her knee, and had eaten most of her food. Cade’s jacket had caught on branches and shrubs and now sported several tears that felt like rips in her own heart. However, in her wandering, a new idea had come to her, and she’d taken out the compass she’d packed to navigate toward a new destination.
After another day of walking, Asha stood at the threshold of the Zone of Control. It was a one-kilometre area around the Cave where soldiers patrolled, and supplies were moved around, surrounded by a chain-link fence with warnings to Wastelanders to keep out. It separated the Cave from the Wasteland. Civilization from its ruin.
She’d decided to return to the Cave because of something she happened to remember the night before, as she lay on the ground, longing for a safe shelter: a small bunker underneath the school where she’d worked, with a keycode that only the teachers had known. Built to protect the school staff in an emergency, it held vital supplies like long-life food packets. It was possible that the Order had already raided it…but she doubted it. She hadn’t seen any of her former colleagues among their ranks.
In any case, it didn’t matter anymore. She had nothing to lose by checking it out, and if they caught her, she’d work up the courage to shoot herself. It seemed as good a plan as any, especially with starvation on her horizon. At the very least, she could resupply there while she contemplated her next move.
Asha watched carefully through the fence. The Order drove the large trucks that had once belonged to the Cave’s military, ferrying supplies into the compound from who knew where. Probably gangs like hers, if their threat against the Guardians was anything to go by. She waited patiently, knowing from Cade that her implant would protect her from the guns on the Cave’s high walls and help her avoid detection.
Eventually, opportunity arrived in the form of a truck that stopped in the middle of the Zone, down for a mechanical failure. As the agitated driver waited for techs to arrive, Asha slipped into the cargo hold unnoticed, as quick and silent as a cat.
Another life she’d lived was ending, and once she’d successfully hidden herself among a bunch of barrels in the back of the truck—where no one could see or hear—she finally allowed herself one small, broken sound of anguish.
Cade knew he’d fucked up the second Asha spit in his face.
He’d been in a fog of rage that hadn’t descended since he discovered his mother dead on the kitchen floor. He’d always had a temper, but it took a lot to truly anger him. It had taken the threat of losing the one truly good thing he’d found in the Wasteland to unleash that particular fury.
He’d always known the darkness that lurked inside him, but he’d rationalized that he tried to use it for good. To protect people who deserved it. To bring justice and vengeance on people who did wrong, who hurt others. He didn’t want to be his father, whose anger consumed everything it touched, like a wildfire that he fed with his own pain and despair. Whose rage on one ordinary afternoon had destroyed the only woman he’d ever professed to love.
Hewashis father, though. He was everything he’d hated his entire life.
But he still didn’t think she’d actually leave.
Shame kept Cade from going after Asha immediately, from following her into the dark night and making sure she was alright, walking through the Nest alone. But he couldn’t—notwhenhehad been the one to threaten her. Not whenhewas the danger. More than that, he felt sure that she’d respond to him following her by pulling away that much harder. He knew her; she needed time away from him to feel safe again.
So, Cade went to the clubhouse courtyard and lingered for a couple of hours, staring vacantly into the fire. At various turns, the men tried to engage him, to bring him back to the present, but he batted them away. He could think of nothing but the absolute betrayal in Asha’s eyes, and then, almost as quickly, the pure hatred in them.
She’d been a wounded soul from the moment he’d met her, though she’d never have described herself that way. But he’d seen it, in the way she expected less than nothing from everyone around her, and the way she’d offered herself to him that first night they lay in bed together, even when she was raw from rape and torture. Because she expected him, like everyone else, to take advantage of her. To use her up and throw her away.
The only time she’d ever wept was when he was kind to her. When he’d showed her tenderness instead of disgust or indifference. Mercy instead of cruelty.
“What’s wrong with you?” Dom asked, in a rare moment of verbosity. Cade glanced up at his friend, usually so stoic and silent. He now looked vaguely concerned, which in a person who showed as little as Dom did, probably meant he was very worried indeed.
“Nothing,” Cade mumbled back, but the lie was acrid on his tongue.
It was the thought of Asha’s tears that made him finally push past his shame and disgust to seek her out. He assumed she’d gone home, and he fully expected to sleep on the floor that night. To spend weeks, or months, clawing his way back to the place he’d been. The place where she’d trusted him, when she’d never trusted anyone.
He didn’t know what he’d do about the Order, or how he’d make Asha see that he loved her more than he’d ever loved anything. He loved her bravery, and her sass, and her secret soft side. He loved her submission and her strength.
But he hadn’t cornered her, threatened her, because he loved her; he’d done it because he was terrified. Terrified of losing her like his mother, or Janie, or any of the countless men or women he’d seen die.So terrified that he’d sacrificeanything,and even become a monster like Angel, to keep her safe.
Cade walked up the steps to the house, promising himself he’d be so patient with her, so attentive, for as long as she needed. He wouldn’t push. He’d be happy with whatever she was willing to give, and in time, when he’d earned back some of her trust, he’d ask for her forgiveness. Whenever she gave it, he would make love to her—sweetly, tenderly. He’d be so gentle. He’d tell her, at last, that he loved her.
Instead, what he found was a dark, silent house. Worse, Asha’s few belongings were gone. The jacket he’d given her was missing, along with a handful of supplies. She’d left no note, nothing that told him what had happened or where she’d gone.
