Page 93 of Darkness I Become
“You don’t know shit,” Asha scoffed, sounding much more confident than she felt. “Just like every other Wastelander man out there, you throw your weight around and intimidate people—mostly women—to get what you want.”
Madigan smiled without humour. “You really are a piece of work, huh? You hitch your wagon to ours, and Claire takes you in out of the goodness of her heart, even afteryouleftherfor dead. And you’re not evengrateful.You treat her like trash. I’d ask what the hell’s wrong with you, but I know I’d be wasting my breath.”
Guilt settled in the pit of Asha’s stomach—an unwelcome guest in the Wasteland. Guilt got you killed out here; guilt was an impulse that Cade had taught her to squash. It was also the reason she’d ended up on her own, without him, because she couldn’t live with the weight of it. Guilt had nearly killed her.
It was of no practical use, so she buried it once more, under all the other things she no longer allowed herself to feel.
“Fine,” Asha said, eager to be done with the conversation. “Let’s just agree: you’re a pig, I’m an ungrateful bitch, and be on our way.”
So quickly she couldn’t immediately process it, she found herself pinned against the nearest tree, Madigan’s hands on either side of her head. He loomed over her, and the look in his golden-brown eyes could only be described as murderous. His expression was a mask of contempt. She couldn’t help cowering a little, even as she hated herself for it.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” she spat.
“Trust me, I have zero desire to become the next guy whose balls you keep on a necklace somewhere.”
His breath was hot, and half his face was shrouded in darkness, which somehow only made him that much more terrifying.
“If you ever hurt Claire or my sister,” he said silkily, “I will fucking end you. You understand? I don’t give a shit about your tragic backstory; I don’t care who comes after me for it. I’ll kill you and leave you for the crows.”
Asha’s breath came in frightened little gasps. “Kimmy would hate you.”
He chuckled darkly. “Cute. You think this is my first time?” He adopted a mocking tone. “Such atragedythat Asha stumbled off that cliff and broke every bone in her body. Or that she wandered off and was mauled by a bear. Or that she fell through that ice.”
Madigan leaned in until their noses were almost touching, and Asha flattened herself against the tree trunk.
“There won’t be a scene,” he whispered. “You’ll just disappear. And I won’t say a fucking thing. Got it?”
She just wanted him out of her face, so she gritted out, “Yes.”
To her relief, he finally backed away. As he walked back toward the camp, he turned and said, “And just to be clear, if you tell Kimmy or Claire about this…I’ll deny every fucking word.”
Madigan left her alone at last, and Asha let out the breath she’d been holding. She hated him with every fibre of her being. She hated the way he loved on Claire, buttered her up, when underneath it all, this was who he really was. This was who all the Wastelander men were, in the end.
Cade wasn’t a Wastelander,that annoying voice in her head reminded her.
But he’d been forced to live among them, to adapt to their violent, brutal way of life. The Guardians left no room for him to be thesofter, more caring man he was when they were alone. And like her, Claire had been forced to trade herself to a violent man for protection, because there were no other options for survival.
It didn’t matter who they pretended to be when they needed to soften their women up for sex, or labour, or something else that they wanted. What mattered was who they were when the mask slipped, and sooner or later, Claire was going to discover thather Wastelander—as she called him—was nothing more than a brute, intent on using her up and discarding her when she no longer served him.
And it wasn’t as though Asha stood in judgment of him because she thought she was better. She knew she wasn’t. She thought of the girls at the slave market, still being sold because she’d stupidly believed a man’s promise to free them. She’d killed for him, helped him get what he wanted, and then he let it keep happening to them. She’d fought by his side and helped the gang on its mission.
The thought made her sick to her stomach again, and a powerful wave of self-loathing washed over her. It was the same guilt and self-loathing that made her abandon Cade that night, even as her heart screamed at her to stay with him. It wasn’t the kind of thing a person could live with indefinitely; it would eat her alive eventually.
It was then that she decided that she’d escape from this hellish existence in the Wasteland, one way or another. No matter what it cost her.
After all, she’d already bartered away her soul and crushed her own heart in a trembling hand. What more was there to lose?
Cold.
That was always Cade’s first thought in the mornings now. They’d been on the road for several weeks, and it was mid-December, by his best guess. Snow had fallen in thick flakes the night before, and he was freezing his ass off every day now as they walked across a wilderness that seemed endless. They all were: him, Leo, Dom, and Lana and her little sister, Cassie.
That was a sticky point with him: he hadn’t wanted to bring the girls. But Lana had had other ideas.
“Youoweme this,” she’d hissed at him when he’d told the women of their choice to stay or flee. “I had a fine life before you meddled and killed Angel! You and Asha are the reason my life is fucked now, asshole, and if you have a better place for me to be at this settlement of yours, you owe it to me to take me there.”
Cade sighed. “You have a point, and I’m sorry. But it’ll be dangerous, and it’s a very long trip. We’ll probably be on the road for months before we get to Ashburn. I don’t know if that’s the best idea for you and the kid.”
Lanatsked at him. “That’s what we’d be doing anyway: wandering, looking for a place to land. At least this way, Cassie and I will have a destination in mind, and decent men to protect us. But if you think I’m fucking you in exchange for that protection after all this, you have another thing coming.”
