Page 23 of Cookout Carnage
Her beige eyes widen, then narrow at me. “People say you’ve done well for yourself. I don’t see it. Same flat hair, boring looks, and makeup-less face.” Her childhood taunts still pack a tiny punch. I shake it off.
I gear up to take her down, but those damn cornflower blue eyes arrest me, and I lose focus. He nods to me as he tries to get away from a group of men slapping his back.
She flicks her wrist for me to follow. If it helps us get the fuck out of here sooner, so we can really talk tonight, then yes, I’ll follow the little trollop. She leads me past the tube meat buffet; brats, sausages, and hot dogs. There are three other stations: brisket, burgers, and steak and chicken. But oddly, nothing seems to be vegetarian. Even the salads and sides have bacon, sausage, or ham hocks in them.
I glance over, and Jonathan is eating a hotdog bun filled with lettuce, tomato, and raw onion. I hope he has a jar of peanut butter with him.
I follow her mesmerizing lime-green sequined dress. It glows. “Hey, are those LED lights sewn into your dress?”
“Thanks for noticing. I figured the Statue of Liberty could use a little sprucing up.” She spins as if someone other than me is watching.
“It’s a timeless look.”
The town is watching to see how we react, the high school sweetheart with the fiancée. I keep smiling and waving to people like I’m on a parade float. Half are here for this ridiculous party, the other half are simply setting up their chairs for the fireworks. She’s commandeered the center of town and the county’s fireworks for her own personal light-up green glory.
The crowd is filled with familiar faces that make up who I am. The ones who held me when my daddy died and again when my mama followed him. They know about the gum I used to steal and the loose tile near the bathroom at CK’s. And that Tanya stands in the way of my one and only. I’m not good with people. I’m awkward, too angry, or too cerebral, but I’m good with Jonathan. And this town accepts me exactly as fucked-up as I am.
“This is our wedding, and it has to go off without a hitch. It’s gonna be so damn spectacular that your eyeballs will plum fall out of your head.”
I shake my head in disbelief and lean down to her. “There is no wedding. This is all an elaborate show. You’re insane.”
“Oh, there’s a wedding. Don’t you worry.”
“I’m so far from worried.”
From out of nowhere, Squeakers charges at Tanya. She gets a mouthful of her “toga” and pulls. The sequins start to fall like hail on her snoot. A second pig, I assume her friend, sits and watches like she’s the real muscle.
I don’t help as she pulls her dress out of Squeakers’ mouth while shrieking, “PORK. Pork is on the menu tomorrow. You are a little bitch. You’re both bitches. All three of you. You are the bitchiest of the bitches. And all on the menu.”
“I thought I wasn’t invited?”
I grin and pull Squeakers to me, and Gandalf snorts. I release her, and the two scurry off under the tube meat station just as Jonathan takes the gazebo stage. People are shouting, “Toast!” This should be good. I text him while Tanya surveys the dress and starts yapping.
JULES: I’d go with an Irish blessing.
JONATHAN: Was thinking something more from the heart. Are you ok missing the fireworks?
JULES: No. I love them. I’ll meet you at the shitty field. I don’t think I can be here for the fallout.
JONATHAN: Scaredy cat. Is she yelling at you?
JULES: Trying to. I’ll stay if you really want me to.
JONATHAN: You really know how to romance a guy.
I smile as an idea strikes me. I’m going to seduce him while standing in front of this fictitious bride. I have visons of her as Ms. Havisham, replacing the bulbs on her dress when she’s eighty, staring in the mirror at her high hair, now white but still tall, and waiting for her wedding.
JULES: Oh, I’ll romance you. My mouth has been watering thinking about that Fourth of July rocket hidden in those stark white and ironed shorts. I need a taste soon. But they’re calling for you. Better get to toasting your betrothed.
JONATHAN: Killing me. But I had a thought…
JULES: Shoot.
JONATHAN: What if we talk about us tomorrow and do other stuff tonight?
JULES: Like Parcheesi? Or maybe go gig some frogs? Join the cleanup crew for the town square?
JONATHAN: To start with, I need to suck on those perfect nipples until you’re insanely wet for me.
