Page 39 of Cookout Carnage
I hear Jules whisper, “This can’t be happening. Can’t we just go out there and tell her we’re leaving? And maybe get your clothes back?”
Father Gabe says, “Yes, my lamb, I’ve been pumping myself up a bit for the big moment.” Wait. What is happening?
Jules hisses in my ear, “No. No. No. This is so bad. We’re going to hell for listening.”
Tanya says clear as day, “I’ve been ready for this myself for quite a while. Where do you want me?”
We listen as this horror taboo scene plays out. “On your knees.”
I put my fingers in my ears, and Jules ducks behind me. But I still hear them.
“On this pillow?”
Jules whispers, “Holy shit.”
“Yes, and please get rid of your gum, dear.”
“Right, I know you don’t like that. Totally forgot. And I do want to be good for you.”
I shift to try and get a better view even though I don’t really want one. But I have to know. This isn’t happening. It can’t be happening. How do I tell my mom?
I hiss, “Literally, holy shit. She’s going to blow Pastor Gabe.”
“Open your mouth wide, so I don’t mess up your lipstick.”
“Like this, Father?”
“Yes. Your grandmother would be proud. She used to take it just like this.”
“I want to swallow it down just like Mee-Mah.”
I’m going to puke.
That’s it. I burst from the closet just as Pastor Gabriel is putting a small wafer on her tongue. Jules bends in half belly laughing.
Tanya swallows the Communion wafer, then stands.
She turns to us and rearranges her massiveAmy Winehouse in a veilbeehive. The veil looks like it was woven into the insane hair. “What is she doing here? How the hell did she get out of the pig barn? And Jonathan, it’s bad luck to see the bride,” she shrieks.
“We have the bad luck covered. That’s enough. You seriously locked Jules in a barn and thought that stealing my clothes would pull off a wedding?” She huffs, and I turn towards the pastor.
Pastor Gabriel moves toward me, and I begin laughing too. I can’t find words. I just want to get the hell out of here.
“Father. I’m so sorry. And so embarrassed. I thought she was um…”
I raise my eyebrows, and Tanya raises her voice, “EW. You thought I was going to bob a holy man’s knob? Father Gabe? I wanted Communion because you didn’t want to do it at the wedding. That’s gross. Where on earth would you get that idea?”
I breathe through my nose as I say, “Because of the bon voyage blowie tour you’ve been on this morning.” I squinch up my face and nod at her.
“It wasn’t a tour. It was two dicks. Hardly a tour,” she snaps, and her jaw drops as she realizes what she’s admitted in front of Father Gabe. I mouth the word, “Wow,” to Jules.
“And the three-way offer to my friend, Tristan.”
“His voice is hot.”
Tanya raises a wooden figure of St. Paul in a threatening manner. I block her.
“This ends now. We’re not getting married.”
