Page 41 of Cookout Carnage
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We enter the sanctuary just as Tanya yanks the dress up and over her plum bra, peeking out of her high at the front, low at the back wedding dress. Her wedding dress has a mullet.
We walk up the aisle hand in hand as the murmuring of the crowd increases. Tristan’s at the back, leaning against the back wall grinning from ear to ear.
Gandalf and Squeakers dart from under pews as people scream. They’re weaving and bobbing, then they unsteadily try to trot next to us.
Jules leans over, “They may be drunk.”
“Par for the course today.”
Jules turns back to the crowd and does that two-finger, loud as fuck, whistle. Dinah appears, and Jules points to the pigs. She wrangles them as we make our way to the altar with Father Gabe and Tanya.
My voice is shaky. I’m a big guy. If I faint, a lot of shit is coming down with me. Fuck. “Hi, everyone! Nice to see you again today. Remember when you thought I was kidding about not marrying this woman?” They all nod and mutter even louder. “Wasn’t a joke. I’m in love with this one. Not that one. And if you all think about it, you already knew that. Just took us a minute to figure it out for ourselves.”
I turn to Jules, who is standing behind me now. “And you’re staying, my beautiful and destined soul mate?”
Her voice is quiet, but the microphone is picking it up, “I don’t belong anywhere except next to you. Always.”
Tanya throws a shoe that sails over my head and thuds on the far side of the altar. “Good fucking Christ. I’m right here! And you never said that shit to me.” I gesture to her. Now I know she’s going for the jilted lover award. She can have it because all I want is out.
I don’t look away from the love of my life. “You never listened.” And then I take Jules’ lips hard. There’s no more pretense or waiting. I give myself to her completely. Our tongues meet in a feverish search for all the time we wasted. They’re twisting and scooping and reminding our bodies what they were meant to do.
“Wanna get out of here, Dexter-Haven?”
“ME! What about me?” Tanya stamps her foot and almost falls with the lack of a second high heel.
I lean over to her for a private moment. “I need all the stuff in VFW hall, which I assume is set up for our non-reception. Don’t come near it, or I’ll tell people of your criminal activities last night.”
I know it will piss her off to no end that she won’t ever get a piece of the actual reception she planned so carefully.
She lifts her chin and pulls up her dress again. “Fine. But I swear, I’m keeping every gift. I’m selling them all and getting the hell out of this fucking town. My fortune and fame are gonna be in Atlanta.”
Jules can’t help herself, and it’s another reason I love my girl. “Need help packing?”
She groans and limps across the altar to her shoe. She turns back to Jules and seems speechless. As we turn, Tanya’s father jogs up from his seat. I brace for the worst.
He puts out his hand and does that double-pump, holding onto the elbow, shake. He nods sharply. “Well played. Good game.” Then he hustles over to his daughter as the crowd screams and hollers, both in support and not. Some are just probably disappointed they’re not getting a free meal.
18
JULIET
Her father seems to be admonishing her. Fuck. He jogs back to his seat. If I don’t do something, I’ll never forgive myself. And since I just got everything, I need to give back a little. I let go of Jonathan’s hand, skip back up to the altar, and stand in front of her.
“You’re unique; you’re you. I shouldn’t have slut-shamed you. It was more the cheating thing than the free sexuality thing.”
“I get that. I should probs curb the cheating.”
“Maybe that will work for you in the future. I’m sorry you didn’t get the 50k.”
“And 64 cents.”
I gesture to her in anof coursefashion. “You’re destined for a lot more glitz and glamour than this. Look at your current body glitter and tall hair. That’s impressive.” I’m going to throw up from her perfume, but I wouldn’t mind if she moved out of town. “You’re all set to find your way to the bright lights of Atlanta.”
Her cocky attitude has her pop a hip at me and smile. She looks like the bad guy crab fromMoana. She’s so shiny. Every inch of her is shiny. There are glittered seashells and what appear to be bits of sequined coral attached to her dress. Another Disney villain for her résumé.
“Don’t tell no one, but I met a girl who does some stripping from time to time, and she gave me some tips on hair and body makeup. I didn’t need none for my face, on account of I’m super good at that.”
