Page 50 of Cookout Carnage
To: Tristan Fawcett-Underwood
Subject: Your first all-nighter at Fitzpatrick & Doyle
Dear Tristan,
I know we finished at one a.m. here, but it was six a.m. with you in London, and we couldn’t even feed you coffee and muffins. Did you survive?
SherilynX
From: Tristan Fawcett-Underwood
To: Sherilyn Boden
Subject: Re: Your first all-nighter at Fitzpatrick & Doyle
Dear Ms. Boden,
My name is Pavol and I am one of the cleaning staff at the London offices of Fitzpatrick & Doyle. My colleagues and I discovered Mr. Fawcett-Underwood near his desk this morning. He was muttering something about muffins and attempting to crawl towards the kitchen. We revived him by opening a bag of Monster Munch crisps (Flamin’ Hot flavour) and holding the packet under his nose. After eating the crisps, three chocolate bars, and a yoghurt marked with the words ‘Property of Jan, fuck off, Tris’, he fell asleep on the sofa in the break room. We expect him to sleep there until two minutes after Jan visits the kitchen.
Yours,
Pavol
From: Sherilyn Boden
To: Tristan Fawcett-Underwood
Subject: Re: Your first all-nighter at Fitzpatrick & Doyle
Dear Pavol,
Thanks for the update. Please can you put a ‘closed for cleaning’ sign on the break room door? Then take five shillings, buttons, magic beans, or whatever they use for currency in the UK from the drawer in Tristan’s desk and put it on Jan’s desk with a note that says: ‘Dear Jan, I’m sorry I stole your yogurt. I hope this covers it with interest for the trauma I have caused you. I promise I will never do it again, Tristan.’
Your new friend,
Sherilyn
From: Tristan Fawcett-Underwood
To: Sherilyn Boden
Subject: Re: Your first all-nighter at Fitzpatrick & Doyle
Dear my new friend Sherilyn,
I’m afraid I cannot do that as I have already left for the day.
Best wishes,
Your new friend Pavol (second in line after Tristan, who is a truly wonderful human being despite his criminal tendencies)
FOURTEEN MONTHS AGO
Fitzpatrick& Doyle IM service
Tristan Fawcett-Underwood: Your care package just arrived! Thank you. I’ve never had a delivery at work before. I don’t know what to say without sounding overly excited.
Sherilyn Boden: Yay!!!! You can’t get too excited though. It’s only muffins.
