Page 33 of Cookout Carnage
“I’M NOT GETTING MARRIED.”
I hear my dad, “Son, do we get in the car? Most of the town is at the church or baptism on Main Street. All my friends are there. Can we go to the church to say hello even though you’re not getting married? I haven’t seen Jenks yet, and I owe him a catch-up. Thought I’d fiddle out some time at your reception, but you told us there won’t be one. I’m going to try and find him at the church. It would be rude not to.”
“Dad. Go to the church. Don’t go. Do what you need to do. But I’m not getting married.”
My mom takes the phone back. “Ok, dear, now where will you be?”
“I have to go to the church.”
“But you said—”
“NOT to get married. To find Jules and tell the town I’m not getting married.”
“And this isn’t cold feet?”
“Sweet God, no. This is warm feet running swiftly in the opposite direction of Tanya the lunatic Disney villain.”
I throw on the tux pants and shirt. I don’t bother with the fucking tie and toss the jacket on the seat of my truck. Then I run back into the house and open every damn door while yelling for Jules. Just to make sure. No sign of her. And I have to find her. If Tanya drugged me and stole my clothes, who knows what she’s done with Jules. This is absurd. We live in a tiny town that knows everyone’s business. How did we not notice Tanya’s become a criminal lunatic?
I round the truck and glance at the barn, and Squeakers’ lock is in place. Thank God I don’t have to worry about Tanya trying to roast her. I’m glad the girls stayed locked up last night. I’ll shoot a text to Gandalf’s owner that they had a sleepover.
I peel out of the farm, and since no one is around—they’re all at my non-wedding—I plow through all the stop signs and the two lights in the town. I have to get there and stop this fiasco. Apparently, I wasn’t as clear with everyone last night as I thought.
The parking lot is full. I can’t be seen. I wiggle into the jacket to look less conspicuous and sneak around to the back door. I creep down the hallway to one of the little rooms. It’s filled with puzzle mats and tiny riding toys. I don’t turn on a light, but I do collect myself. There’s organ music playing, but it’s not church music. You’ve got to be kidding me. It’s One Direction.
I call Jules’ phone. It rings down the hall. Thank fucking everything. I need to grab her and get the hell out of here before Tanya ties me down and evokes some ancient town law that says she claims me. Like something in the vein of the Sooners or Sadie Hawkins. I peek around the corner to the Fellowship Hall. It’s decorated with banners exclaiming: “Congratulations” in bright purple and plum. There’s one that says: “I’m Married!” Not we’re married, just her, I guess. She planned the cocktail hour down here for when we’d take pictures in the sanctuary. This is nuts.
I whisper her name. “Jules. Jules.” My whisper gets more pointed. “Juliet.” I sneak over to the kitchen and find her phone sitting on the counter. The kitchen is full of glassware and trays of appetizers, all laid out on the long silver prep table in the middle of the room.
I pick it up, and there are a ton of missed messages. Shit. I hear a clatter in the hall and duck through the back door out of the kitchen. I leave her phone in case she left it there, as unlikely as that sounds.
I sneak below the windows on the far side of the church. When my phone pops off, I quickly silence it but notice it’s the airport friends.
BEN: How’s it going?
TRISTAN: Well, I’m here now. But got an odd text announcing that the wedding was still on.
JONATHAN: Not on. Jules is missing. I’m sneaking around the side of the church right now, trying to find her. Tris, go inside and stall. I need to figure out if she’s here or not.
TRISTAN: What? I’m in casual clothes.
BEN: So, just a two-piece suit?
TRISTAN: Worse. I’m wearing trainers.
TABI: In English, please.
TRISTAN: Nikes.
SABRINA: Sneakers. Got it. Oh, the horror. Tell me what’s happening?
BEN: It appears Jules has gone missing, and he’s at the church for some reason.
JONATHAN: Where the hell are you, Tris?
BEN: And Tristan is in town and supposed to stall the non-ceremony somehow.
SABRINA: Thanks for the summary. But are you fucking kidding me?
