Page 87 of Cookout Carnage
TABI: Hey, bagpipes! Am I getting your kilt in a twist?
BEN: What’s up?
TABI: Ben unless you have something to say that’s red, white and blue and not Union Jack, red, white and blue - kindly leave this to the Americans.
TRISTAN: …
BEN: I lived there for nearly a decade, so I’m in this conversation.
RORY: I’m out.
TABI: Och aye! Goodbye for noo!
RORY: Sigh.
TRISTAN: Okay. I know I’ve never been to America before and it’s huge and diverse, yada yada, yada. But some things just seem really odd to me. Is it normal in a small town to have a curfew for three days before the Fourth of July?
BEN: No.
TABI: NOT AMERICAN, BEN! Midway has a curfew? Are half the houses boarded up? Did you see a random red balloon roaming around? It’s a ghost town. Get out.
TRISTAN: No! Midway is lovely. Like out of a movie or something. But Sherilyn told me everyone has to stay indoors after seven.
SABRINA: ???? Um, that doesn’t sound particularly normal. Call Jonathan. He’ll know. He’s right there. Anything else Twilight Zoneish?
TRISTAN: I’ve left a message for Jonathan, but he’s a bit busy. Earlier we went to the diner, and they put a screen across our booth.
SABRINA: To give you privacy? Awwww, that’s cute!
TRISTAN: No, apparently there’s some bug going about that is transmitted ‘by line of sight’. Hang on, I took a pic when Sherilyn went to the bathroom. I’ll send it to you.
TRISTAN: Photo.
TABI: OMFG I’m dying! She’s not a chicken, just secretly part of a cult. Watch your back, that’s how they get you. Next thing you know you’ll be wearing matching pink tie-dye robes and handing over all your money to the Cult of KFC.
SABRINA: She’s not wrong.
RORY: No illness is transmitted by line of sight, and that screen is about as effective as a chocolate teapot.
BEN: It’s like something from a First World War field hospital.
TRISTAN: And we couldn’t go in any of the shops on Main Street.
SABRINA: Why not?
TRISTAN: The ice cream shop has salmonella, the bookstore has book lice, the general store has bedbugs, the Barbers has beard lice, and the rest are infested with everything from Legionnaires’ disease to mealybugs.
SABRINA: WTF? Hang on, Jonathan lives in the next town. He’s the best person to ask. JONATHAN, ARE YOU THERE?
TABI: Yep, that’ll do it, Sabrina. He’ll hear those shouty caps from the other side of the farm. Also, he’s currently ditching his fiancée whilst wearing the gangster suit.
BEN: How do the locals look? All in one piece?
TRISTAN: Mostly. But there was this bloke who came to talk to us, and he had a face full of stick-on warts that kept falling off.
SABRINA: This would make the best TV show EVER.
TRISTAN: He said his name was Thaddeus P Richard the third. He was dressed in black velvet and had a hump.
