Page 25 of Musical Games
‘Does she? Really? She was pregnant when she lost your dad, and she raised you and Fi on her own. If she could do that, then she can cope without you under her feet. Look, I know she doesn’t let you do stuff around the house, but she worries about you, and I know for a fact she wants more for your life. And maybe having you moping about crampsherstyle.’
Jamie looked at Duncan as if he’d suggested his mum wanted to start pole dancing in the village hall. He shook his head. ‘You’re cracked.’
‘Am I? Have you asked her what she really wants for the rest of her life? Because from where I sit, the two of you are living half lives. And in this case they don’t make a whole.’
Jamie stared at the mums playing with their kids in the park. Some of them were from his year at school. He felt tired and empty. He knew in his bones what Duncan had said was true. But it was too tight a knot to unpick. There were too many strands to unravel.
‘So, what am I meant to do now?’ he asked.
‘Go back home and apologise to Sam.’
‘What?’
‘Yes. Apologise. Be the fucking man, Jamie. She didn’t mean any harm. She just got flustered and carried away. What she did is a gift. You’ve finally got the opportunity to make something of your music and hang out with someone who’s got enough spark to power the whole of Kinloch. Look, Sam’s a long way from home and living in a stranger’s house. You’re twice her size and you yelled at her, then stormed off. Zoe can’t be there for her as she’s too busy with the shoot and she’ll be too embarrassed to speak to your mum. Go home, Jamie. Go home and take a chance on life.’
9
Sam sat cross-legged on her bed, hugging a pillow, replaying what she’d said on the phone to Jamie's boss and the look on Jamie's face as he yelled at her to get out. She’d scuttled back to her room but couldn’t escape the vehemence in his voice as the words ‘just fuck off’ had reverberated through the walls. The thundering of his feet down the stairs and the slamming of the back door had shaken her further.
You fucking, fucking idiot.
When would she learn? She snapped back into her childhood memories as easily as a brand-new rubber band. Her father incredulous, her mother confused, her two elder sisters amused or exasperated whenever she did something out of left-field.
‘Smulan,’ her father would say, his patience wearing thin. ‘This is not the time or the place for your theatrics.’
Her stomach tightened and she pursed her lips to exhale a long slow breath. She’d never fitted in. The Adamsons had been the perfect nuclear family until she’d shown up and turned them thermonuclear. Her mother had easy pregnancies with her sisters and they’d slept through the night from birth. Sam shook her head. Of course they had. Esther and Anna were incapable of putting a foot wrong. Beautiful, studious, well behaved.
‘You weren’t an accident, darling, you were the best possible surprise,’ her mother would reassure her. However, Sam soon understood when her father referred to her as ‘a gift from Loki’, it wasn’t a good thing.
She’d been born premature with gut issues that caused her to scream for hours. Her sisters, then aged five and seven, found themselves living with a banshee they couldn’t return to sender, whose capacity to annoy them only increased as Sam became mobile. She was a cuckoo crossed with a gremlin and had never fit in.
She took out her phone. She felt awful about what she’d done. She knew how busy Zoe was and she was also Jamie’s friend, so she couldn't speak to her. Could she ring one of her sisters? She tried Esther first, then Anna, then her mum’s mobile, then her parents’ home. They all went to voicemail. She didn’t leave a message. She didn’t have Jamie’s number and she didn’t want to disturb Morag, who was working in the post office, and tell her what she’d done.What now?She picked up the song lyrics she'd been working on. At least this was something she could do.
An hourlater she heard the back door open. She ran down the stairs, stopping at the threshold to the kitchen as Jamie entered. His eyes met hers, then flicked away. He took a big breath.
‘I’m sorry,’ she interrupted. ‘I’m so sorry, Jamie. I didn’t think and then it was too late. If you let me have your boss’s number, I’ll ring him now to explain and apologise.’
Jamie shook his head and her heart rate increased.
Fuck!How could she make this right?
He looked at her with his deep, soulful brown eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’
Oh god, this was it. He was stopping their song writing just as it was getting started. A surge of emotion pushed against the tightness of her throat.Don’t cry! You’ve created this reality. Deal with it.
‘I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that,’ he continued. ‘It was just, erm, I hadn’t, er.’ He shut his mouth and swallowed. ‘There’s no excuse. I’m sorry.’
Sam stared at him in shock. Before she was even aware, his face had blurred and fat tears spilled down her cheeks.
‘Jesus, Sam, don’t cry.’
She gasped in a strangled breath, shocked at how much emotion was pouring out. ‘I’m sorry, Jamie. I’m so sorry.’
He rushed to her, his hands wavering as if uncertain what he was meant to do with them.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked, looking so unsure and lost it made her giggle.
She nodded. ‘You look like you don’t know what to do with me.’
