Page 124 of A Grave Not Made For Mourning
Rising, I grab the collar of the boy’s shirt. It’s looser than usual, like the shirt isn’t a real shirt at all. I release it, shoving him into the wall and holding my forearm to his chest.
“You’re the reason Desdemona is still breathing!”I scream.
He is not fazed by my violence. How could he be? He is a figment of my imagination. This scene is not real.
It never was.
“If I cannot be a person, I will be your conscience.”
“I have a conscience!”Much too large of a conscience.
“What would you have done if Desdemona died? Could you have beaten the kapha on your own? The very peace the kapha bestowed upon her in death is the reason you could continue the fight.”
I don’t answer.
“And what of Leiholan?”the boy asks.“You said you’d allow one man to die to save the universe, and that’s almost what happened. For one simple reason:he was there.”
Shaking my head, I take a step back as a tear falls from my eye. Only, in my mind, the tear does not tumble down my cheek. It moves before me, creating a bubble between me and the boy. Smudging the already blurry lines of the make believe.
The very manifestation of my unease.
“Don’t.”
“I don’t have to. You know what being close to Azaire will do.”The boy reaches a hand to my cheek.“It’s what happens to everyone who gets too close.”
The words—my own words—haunt me. Leiholan was there, and because of that, he almost died. BecauseIbrought him there, he almost met his end. For the simple reason that he was in my presence.
The same way that Azaire is bound to be in my presence one day. One bad day is enough to end it all. Just like Ma. Just like Xander.
For a moment, I lean into the boy’s touch. I feel at home with him, and in the midst of this storm, all I need is four walls of comfort.
A roof of relief.
“Everyone but me.”The boy touches his forehead to mine, his thumb stroking my cheek as our noses brush. Our eyes meet. His voice is tender.“It’s always been you and me.”
I nod against him, and he doesn’t move. He just holds me close.
“I know.”
“Do it,”the boy responds, his voice wholly consoling. There isn’t an ounce of animosity.“Do what you must with him before you come to me.”
I shake my head, feeling his nose against mine for one final second before opening my eyes. I force myself away from the marble wall, walking down the hallway once more as the tears tangle in my eyelashes, blurring my vision.
In the corner of my mind, I think,I’m not going to come to you.
And I wonder if he can hear such an obvious lie.
Chapter 24
There Is The Worst,
and Then There
Is More
One Year Ago
C
