Page 129 of A Grave Not Made For Mourning
I belong here.
I don’t push him away.
Holding him makes this so much worse. All of this pain, because of me.
Exactly as I knew it would be.
I’m a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I should’ve never let it go this far.
But I love him.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
And I feel his heart breaking. Gods, that makes it so much harder. Feeling his heart shattering along with mine.
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s—” I hold him tighter, my hands clutching the back of his neck. He is a lifeline to my turbulence. “There’s something I have to do, and I have to do it alone.”
“What is it?” he asks, borderline begs, as he pulls away from me, meeting my eyes.
I bite my lip. Shake my head. “It’s too dangerous.”
His hold on my hand loosens. His resolve wavers. “I can handle myself,” he says. “You know that, don’t you?”
“No”—I shake my head—“I do. It’s…” My heart is composed of jealousy for all the people who get to love and not suffer at the hands of it.
I should have never spoken to Azaire in the woods. Should have never let him follow me out of class. Shouldn’t have told him about Aeliana and Persiphis.
Stay away from people; always keep your distance; watch when you’re lonely; retreat when you’re not. Never get close. That’s what I have to do. What I’ve always done.
That’s my life.
So I fight the words that almost make it to my tongue but get caught coming up my throat:I do love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you so much, I’m willing to lose you.
“I’m sorry.”
“No.” Azaire releases my hands, his breath catching. “You don’t get to do that. I love you, Wendy, and I’m pretty sure that you love me. If you’re fighting, I fight with you. If you’re suffering, I suffer with you. You are a part of me, body, mind, soul, and whatever else there is. I’m not letting you go. Not without a damn good reason.”
I look at our hands, unclasped. “You just did.”
He picks them up. “No, I didn’t.”
I smile a little at his softness, in the wake of my cruelty. My cruel responsibility. I break his heart, I break my own, and he stands before me, his loyalty unwavering.
He is everything I ever wanted.
I loosen my hold on his hand. “I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to protect me,” he says, sounding almost resigned. “I’d kill for you. I’d unmake myself for you, if that’s what you wanted.”
I shake my head. “That’s not what I want.”
“Then what is it? Do you want to hide me away until the danger passes? It’ll never pass. I’ve been in danger my entire life.”
