Page 70 of What Happens This Christmas
At first glance, one might think I picked the necklace because of the winter season, blue being a popular color choice this time of year, and if that were the case, one would be wrong. I’d chosen this particular necklace as a reminder of the tears I had shed early on in my marriage and the ice queen I had become. Both due to the lives we had chosen to live and the world we had chosen to live in. I might have been willing to move on from the feelings that worked like a chisel, carving out the woman I had become, to restore balance in my heart and my relationship with Nick, but I wasn’t willing to forget. Only fools forgot, and I was a lot of things, but a fool wasn’t one of them.
I wanted to be a stronger, better version of myself for Nick, so forgetting would only be a mistake. I needed to remember it all to truly be able to change for him, for me.
And I wasn’t too humble to admit I was making strides. In fact, I was doing it with great verve. Like my impromptu decision to come to The Black Sheep to see Nick at work.
While I didn’t always accept the way he’d chosen to spend his time, I respected that he was confident enough in himselfand his decisions that he stood by at all costs. It never did matter much to him that I wasn’t fond of him pouring drinks for other people, but on some level I knew he wished I would understand his decision. So, I was trying.
That was what today was all about—making the effort.
For Nick.
For me.
For us.
Fingering my necklace, I nodded my head when someone came up behind me outside the pub and cleared their throat. “Sorry,” I said and pulled the door open so I could get out of their way. They were probably not only looking for something to eat and drink, but to get out of the cold. I’d say I understood that, but I didn’t. I’d long ago grown accustomed to feeling cold. Literally and figuratively. Not that, speaking literally, it was a feeling I had to feel often. Nick had always been good to me, buying me furs, and when he didn’t, I never had much hesitation in buying myself anything I desired. In that way, I was one of the lucky ones.
Thinking about how wonderful Nick was, a half-smile tugged at my lips. Oddly enough, I couldn’t wait to see him in action behind the bar. The only other time I’d been to the pub had been with Nick when we had met those swingers. I shuddered at the memory. Such a nightmare it had been.
Not wasting a second, my eyes immediately homed in on the bar, but I didn’t see Nick.Where is he?
Channeling the confidence of someone who often frequented bars, I moved with determination, walking up to it and leaning my hands against the cool wood. I pretended I didn’t hear the little voice in my head that called me out, telling me how ridiculous I must’ve looked, and what people must’ve thought of me.
Look at that woman. It’s so obvious she doesn’t belong here. She must be lost.
A brilliant brunette was sitting a few seats over, her ample bosoms pressed up against the bar as she leaned forward and shouted to someone in the back. “Tell me that’s not for real,” she said, her voice smooth like glass. Then she let out a peal of laughter, at what I wasn’t sure.
Before I interrupted whatever she had going on with whoever was back there, I turned around to scan the place for Nick, but there was still no sign of him. Only lots of cheerful-looking people enjoying the day. No Santas, though, thankfully.
Then I heard his voice. Oh, I’d recognize that voice anywhere. It was recorded on my soul in such a way that I never wanted not to know what it felt like to be encumbered by everything Nick was. “God, Goose, for as much as you’ve changed, your laugh sounds no different.”
Shamelessly flirting, she—Goose, apparently—licked her lips. “Yeah, well, some things never change. That’s what I was trying to tell you. Your mother thinks there can be something between us. I know you told me to leave, but just think… She knows that we’re meant to be. I think it’s possible she’s right. If you thought about it, you might agree.”
I considered waiting to hear what more this woman had to say about the great Virginia Crane, or even confronting Nick, but a loud pounding that I was pretty sure was coming straight from my heart made it impossible for me to continue listening. It was akin to a hundred elves banging a hundred tiny hammers on my head. I had shut down and knew I needed to get out of here.
It’d been a mistake for me to come down here.
So many things had been a mistake. Like thinking this December had been anything different, anything special. Like thinking we had received a Christmas miracle.
There was no such thing as Christmas miracles, certainly not for the Cranes.
Wishes and hope were all a farce.
Surprises were never a good thing.
If nothing else, this little expedition was all the proof I needed on those points. I moved as fast as my boot-clad feet would take me, getting back to the door and throwing it open.
There was a muffled shout of my name, but I ignored it. The hot blood that swam through my veins demanded I ignore it. Otherwise, I might have been sucked in by a rip current with how powerful the internal storm I was experiencing felt.
Chapter 32
an early Christmas gift
Nick
It was only somewhere on the drive home from the pub that I finally cooled down from the flames that coursed through my veins. I wasted no time tearing through the house, looking for my mother who I found on the terrace off the great room.
She was sitting out there on a chair, a throw covering her, looking like everything I knew she wasn’t—casual, frail, innocent. She was sipping her coffee and reading a book. A book that would have to wait because we had something to discuss.
