Page 13 of A Dream Shrouded in Fury
What was I doing?
I had asked myself that question so many times, I was starting to suspect my mind had split in half and one side no longer communicated with the other.Trying to find ways to improve Jael’s meal, gently tiptoeing around difficult subjects, tending to what was left of his wound.
Jael had spoken so openly, I could have gotten every last scrap of information I wanted just now, and instead, at the first sign of his haunted expression, I’d pulled back.
If I’d wanted to prove to Thorn I could protect the fury in my own way, catering to my enemy was hardly the best strategy.
Despite knowing it, I grabbed a pair of Cliff’s extra clothes and helped Jael get dressed.He leaned his weight on me as he struggled into the breeches that were slightly too short in the leg and wide around the waist, and sweat beaded on his brow by the time we got him into the black shirt that strained at his shoulders.But the look of him dressed was almost as delicious as the look of him bare chested, and I bit the inside of my lip as my lower belly clenched.
Not good.Curiosity about the fae was one thing, but desire?Cliff would be laughing his well-toned ass off right now.
Jael’s warm hand brushed against the back of my neck, and I sucked in a breath, keeping my gaze anywhere but on him as we made our way out of the cave and into the cool night.
Carefully, I settled him in the grass just outside, where he could lean against the rock and relax.By the blood, I needed to put space between us before I did something incredibly foolish.
“Are you good here?”I asked.
He frowned.“Where are you going?”
“Hunting,” I lied, grateful I could.
The furrow between his brows deepened.“Didn’t you already hunt?”
“I—” At the moment, I regretted my earlier foresight.“I didn’t drink enough.”
Only then did I notice his fingers curling into the grass and the stiffness in his shoulders.He was nervous about me leaving.Interesting.
“I’ll be back soon.”It wasn’t a promise—I knew better—but hopefully it would reassure him that I wasn’t leaving him alone in the wilderness.
Then I fled.Not from him, I swore.Yet when the trees swallowed all sight of him, I couldn’t help but heave a sigh of relief.
What was I doing?
Jael
IX
The night was warm and dry, and the grass beneath me was long, fragrant, and arguably more comfortable than the thin, lumpy mattress inside.Moonlight filtered through the leaves overhead, and I leaned against the rock face behind me to take it in.The moon wasn’t full, but it shone bright enough for me to make out the details of the woods.
For a long while, I simply sat and waited for Kalla to return, breathing in the soft scents of the forest.It was the first peace I’d had in years, and I knew it was an illusion.
Kalla’s question about the future hadn’t disappeared with her, and as I sat in the silence, I was struck with the realization that the rest of my life was now an unknown.I was the only Coynfare member who had survived our mission.Our leader was dead, and I’d been his second, which meant I was now the leader of the Coynfare waiting at home.
But the idea of returning to Soldara and looking the others in the eye, telling them what had happened, taking Zath’s place, made my stomach twist.More than not having the first idea what our next move in the rebellion would be, I shied away from losing myself to that anger again.
I’d only had a night or two of distance, but out here in the woods, the void inside me had become less of a burden.With no one’s expectations sitting on my shoulders, with no one constantly double-checking that I remained dedicated to the cause, I couldbreathe.To put my neck back into the yoke would be unbearable, but my oath to the Coynfare mocked my lack of action.I’d sworn to give my life to take Leonine down.What did it make me if I turned my back on my fellow rebels?
The longer the silence wrapped around me, the more mired I became in thoughts of our failed ambush, of the betrayal that had guaranteed that failure, of Leonine’s smug smirk and the pressure of his blade in my flesh.
I looked around for Kalla, but she hadn’t returned.I wondered what had chased her away, because I doubted she’d needed to feed.The way she’d looked at me before she’d fled… as if she hadn’t wanted to leave me at all.Quite the opposite.
Now that I had a moment to myself without living in a haze of pain, I picked apart her behaviour towards me.Her lack of questions.Her easy acceptance of my presence.Her desire to keep her distance.I didn’t get the sense that she lacked curiosity—interest shone clear as the sun in her blue depths—and I doubted it was sensitivity towards my wellbeing.If anything, I suspected it was a matter of scope.She’d asked why we were out here.Vampires were outlawed in Golthwaine, so if this was her home, no doubt she was scared her secret would be revealed.She had nothing to fear from me, but it did make me wonder why she’d saved me.She would have been safer if I’d died.
Although hope had become as unfamiliar to me as laughing, a small ember flared in my chest that her reason for bringing me here was tied to the way she looked at me when she thought I wasn’t looking or the way she touched me more than absolutely necessary.An interest inme.Not for how I might serve a cause but for the fae I might have been if Leonine had never gotten his hands on me.
But that line of thought led me back to the nightmares I’d been working to avoid.
Needing a distraction, I scanned the area and found a hollow reed that must have made its way from a nearby river.The reed was a familiar weight in my hands, a painful reminder of a past that had shaped me—had, arguably, led to my ruin.But I pushed those thoughts aside as well and set to work crafting a simple flute.Years of practice made it a simple matter to know where to place the holes, and the delicate work was a blessing for my overburdened mind.Lost to everything except the fine movements of my dagger, I soon had a finished instrument in my hands.
