Page 202 of Eternal Ruin
She blinked and found him watching her with heavy eyes, and although there was no house to tell her of his emotions, his grief was thick, his guilt an ever-present shadow.
Kidan knew what happened next in his tale. He’d shown it to her last semester as part of her Quadrantism assignment, glimpsing his worst sin. When the dranaic army descended, Susenyos had found strength in immortality and became one of the very hunters that had come to terrorize him. Then he’d forced every member of his court to become a vampire.
She had judged him for it back then, unable to stomach his selfishness, and couldn’t understand why he abandoned them.
But they weren’t the first he’d abandoned. Talaa had died.
No one wants me like this.
“Say something.” Susenyos released a breath. His eyes whirled like a storm. “I can’t tell what you’re thinking.”
Need and desperation gnawed at his voice. Without their house, they were almost strangers, learning one another anew.
“I’m selfish,” he said, gaze searching hers, darting from one pupil to another. “I’m a coward, I’m weak, I made a mistake. He… Samson has every reason to hate me. I should have never left Talaa behind.”
Kidan didn’t break from his erratic eyes. She met them calmly, anchored with a certainty that surprised her.
His fists clenched, green veins lightning on dark skin. He turned his face and spoke to the wall. His voice was desolate, heartbreaking. “I kept telling my body to turn back, to go to her, and yet I kept running. I ran so fast my feet bled for weeks. That’s what human me does. He always clings to life. After Talaa, I needed to cure myself of this cowardice. I had to by all means. I found Arin shortly after and she helped me become a vampire. I wanted to hunt down the creature myself, with my Nefrasi army.
“But no, I was brought to my knees again.Lusidioenslaved my people. My vampirism was nothing compared to his strength. For years, under his orders, we hunted for the artifacts. Years of torture. There was only one way to save my people. Acquire all the artifacts and become a Sage.”
Back then, in the space of one day, Susenyos had been scarred by the hand of evil and saved by a trace of good. It’d made him drown, the insignificance of his existence. Sages and immortals… this new knowledge wormed inside Kidan, stoking terror like she’d never known it. Like she was naked in the wilderness. Humans were at the complete mercy ofeverything. Wasn’t this why she was so desperate to master her house? Have a sliver of control in her small palms?
But tracing Yos’s unnaturally smooth skin under her imperfect fingers reminded her of the brutal cost. It was impossible to become all-powerful and human.
Accepting death—that was what it meant to be human.
Kidan prayed she would be brave enough to remain human. But her humanity felt like a candle in the wind, outside of herself, tied to the people she loved. Easy to fold itself into the dark.
“The Sage that saved you, where is she now?” she asked.
Susenyos shook his head with deep loss. “I don’t know. At times, I’m convinced I imagined it all. I’ve looked everywhere for her, but the Sages are extinct. Only my research tells me acquiring the artifacts will raise a new Sage.”
“And theMad Loversbook? Did she leave it behind?”
A furrow settled between his brows. “Sometimes, I think she did. But it could easily have been another person traveling through the woods that lost it.”
“That makes sense.”
Susenyos reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers. “I’m not strongenough. Even with my vampirism, I’m not strong enough for what’s heading for us. There’s a war coming.”
The sight of him pulled at her heart. Whatever he’d been through under Lusidio’s—Varos’s—torture had scarred him so deeply he was shaking now.
Kidan lifted his chin up slowly. “You are not alone. You have me, you have Taj, you have Iniko.”
He gave her a heartbreaking look. “How can you stand to look at me like that still?”
“How am I meant to look at you?”
“With anger.”
“Yos.”
“I feel it for myself every minute.”
Kidan traced his marble cheek, brushing away his sleek twist. Different from the pores and frizzed hair she’d felt when he was human. He slipped between those two even now, utterly powerful yet soft in her presence. She’d found his immortal darkness alluring as much as terrifying. She understood now, he needed it to draw strength from. And this true version of him, the humanity he’d shielded for so many years, it felt warm and delicate in her hands. A true exchange of trust. He’d always carried her fragile life, urging her to live when she wanted to die and she’d carry his too, urging him to not fear death so potently it’d break his soul.
“I forgive you,” she whispered as softly as rain on skin.
