Page 82 of The Happy Hour
She smiled. ‘I’ll get the takeaway menus, and we can—’
‘I need to go.’
‘What?’ She thought she’d misheard.
‘I need to go.’ His voice was flat. ‘I can’t do this right now, and you said you didn’t need me, that you wanted to be on your own, so I’m going to go.’
‘Ash!’ she laughed, incredulous. ‘Come on. I know you’re hurting, and—’
‘You don’t get it,’ he said. ‘You don’t understand this. You have no family loyalty because you have no real family, and...’ He stopped, sucking in a breath, his eyes wide.
Jess pressed her lips together. He wasn’t wrong, and it had been her choice to push Edie and Graeme away, but it still hurt that, of all the ways in which he could have shown his anger, this was the one he chose. ‘OK, then.’
‘Jess—’
‘You can leave now.’
‘I’m sorry, I—’
‘This is a disaster, obviously. We’re good at having fun together, and the sex is – was – amazing, but when it comes to feelings, we’re clearly better on our own.’ It was a good little speech, especially on the spur of the moment, and she worked hard to keep her tone cold, her expression blank when Ash met her gaze, his eyes bright with horror. He stared at her for a moment, then his shoulders slumped.
He nodded and turned around, and she listened to him walk down the corridor, heard the front door open and then close, way too gently, behind him. Why didn’t he slam it? Why wasn’t he raging and throwing things and shouting right now? That was what she wanted to do, the anger and sadness bubbling up viciously inside her.
She stared at her cosy duvet and fluffy cushions, and decided she didn’t deserve their comfort. It was ironic that she’d told him – that she’d decided for both of them – they couldn’t do feelings, when he’d made her feel more than she had ever allowed herself to before.
But it was fine – good, even – because now everything could go back to normal. She could return to the happy little solo island of her existence. Except, right now, with the echo of Ash’s too gentle exit playing in her head, and his words about family loyalty like a bitter pill she’d swallowed in the back of her throat, her island felt like a very, very lonely place to be.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
‘Did you know you have a spider in the corner of your ceiling?’
Jess was lying sideways on Lola and Malik’s sofa, swinging her legs over the arm, a cup of tea going cold on the floor beside her. Lola was curled up in the armchair, looking at Jess with far too much concern, and Malik was in the kitchen, cooking his famous spaghetti bolognese that Jess was so fond of.
‘He’s called Marvin,’ Lola said. ‘We’re friends now.’ She sipped her tea, then rested her mug on her knees. ‘I’m so sorry about Ash. Are you sure it’s over?’
Jess closed her eyes. ‘I haven’t heard from him since he left the flat on Thursday.’
‘Have you messaged him?’
‘No.’
‘But you called in sick to work, yesterdayandtoday? ASaturday?’ Lola sounded as incredulous as Jess felt. She nevercalled in sick; not even when she had sprained her ankle running to get to Waterstones before they closed one evening last year. She’d just hopped about, then hobbled, sat in the storeroom more than usual, and fulfilled all Wendy’s wholesale orders.
‘I just felt so... hopeless.’
‘Because you told Ash to go.’
‘He was going to go anyway, and that made me so angry. He’d just told me this awful thing about his family, and I could see how upset he was, even though it was all tight muscles and defensiveness instead of tears. Then, when I tried to get him to stay, he said this thing about me not having a proper family, and I know he’s right, so—’
‘He’s not,’ Lola said.
‘Then I told him to go, so I guess it was mutual.’
‘Youdohave a family,’ Lola said. ‘You might not be that close to them, but...’ She smiled, and Jess returned it.
‘You know how I feel about Edie and Graeme.’
‘Your mum and dad.’
