Page 96 of The Happy Hour
‘You were never a ghoul to me.’ Olga shook her head.
‘We haven’t got long,’ Jess said, even though it wasn’t true. She pressed her hand into Ash’s back and nudged him forwards. It was such a familiar movement, she’d done it playfully so many times, but now it just felt bossy. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t sure how you felt about that word.’
He looked back at her. ‘What word?’
Jess chewed her lip. ‘If I say it, then I’m part of the problem.’
‘What? Oh – you mean ghoul?’
‘Yeah.’
‘It’s fine, honestly,’ he said, and led them out of the market.
It wasn’t that long ago that they’d walked along this road in the evening sunshine, holding hands. Now it felt as if there was an invisible barrier between them, Ash gripping the paper bag with his lunch in, moving past people carelessly. Jess was glad when they reached the park, and they could walk side by side.
‘How long are you off work for?’ Jess asked.
‘Until the end of this week. My boss is sympathetic, but he doesn’t listen.’ He glanced at her. ‘Would you want to be away from work if you... if something like this had happened to you? I just want to be busy.’
‘But if you’re dealing with a lot, not necessarily thinking straight, then isn’t it best if you’re not at work? Especially considering—’
‘My work is all about thinking straight,’ he finished.
‘And right now, you need to think about yourself and nobody else.’
‘And you,’ Ash said. ‘I have to think about you too, after everything.’
‘Everything,’ Jess repeated. In the current situation, it felt like an ominous word.
When they reached the top of the hill, Jess’s legs were burning. The air smelled of summer flowers and suncream, and picnic blankets were spread across the grass, people lounging or kicking balls, dogs trotting at their owners’ sides in the sunshine.
‘Oh,’ she said, coming to a stop. There was a grey-haired couple sitting on their bench, a cooler bag between them. It reminded Jess of Ash’s first visit to Felicity’s house, when he’d wiggled his fingers through the hole in her National Trust cooler to defuse the tension. She watched as the man held a cloth napkin out to the woman, and she pressed it elegantly against her mouth.
Ash had stopped too, and was watching the couple intently. Then he blinked and said, ‘Come on, we can sit on the grass.’
They moved a little way down the hill, but then the grey-haired man zipped up the cool bag, stood up and held his hand out, and the woman took it. Jess felt awkward as she and Ash hovered, but the woman gave them a little wave, then gestured to the bench. ‘Enjoy,’ she said, and the couple walked away, in the direction of the car park.
Jess exhaled. It felt like being able to sit here, on this bench that had been the site of one of their happy Sundays, was a good sign.
‘After you,’ Ash said. She slid onto the bench, and he sat down beside her.
They took out their food, the waft of soy and spices delicious and enticing. But, despite picking her favourite dishes, Jess’s stomach felt heavy, and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to take a single bite. She turned towards Ash, watching as he unscrewed his water bottle and took a long sip, his Adam’s apple bobbing.
‘I’m sorry about all the things I said, and that I told you to leave.’ She rushed it out, because even though there wasn’t a time limit on today, it felt more fragile than any of her meetings with Ash so far.
He shifted on the bench to face her, his knee pressing against hers. ‘I’m sorry for what I said, too. It was unforgivable.’
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘No, I—’
‘It was,’ he said. ‘I don’t want you to be gentle with me because of my dad. This is important. Of course you have a family; it was horrible – cruel – of me to say you didn’t. I lashed out, probably because what you’d said to me, about me not having to go and see my dad, was too close to everything I’d been grappling with. I felt like a fake every time I went, and the truth is...’ He puffed out a breath. ‘I didn’t agree immediately. I said no to Mum for a long time, and when I finally did go, it took me three weeks – or four, I can’t remember – to even go into his room. I sat in the waiting room while Peggy got me a coffee, failed to work up the courage, and then left again.’
‘That’s hardly surprising,’ Jess said quietly.
‘When I eventually went in, I thought it would be cathartic, seeing him like that. He was a really physical dad, always mending something, lifting me and Dylan up. Piggybacks, football. I hardly ever saw him sitting still, so...’
‘But it wasn’t how you thought it would be?’
‘No,’ he admitted. ‘I was just angry and sad, and I felt as helpless as him, because I didn’t think it was fair to say everything I wanted to.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s not an excuse for what I said to you, but that’s the reason I said it. I agreed with you, but I was trapped: I had to go. Now he’s gone, and it’s worse. All those feelings are still there.’
