Page 32 of The Happy Hour
‘Well, you definitely look after people, but that side of you is fully on show: you’re a caregiver. So there must be something else. What doyouthink?’
‘I can make a delicious sandwich out of the most eclectic selection of ingredients. John is frequently amazedby what I come up with.’
‘Give me an example.’
‘Chickpeas and lemon curd.’
Ash stared at her. ‘No.’
‘I promise you, Ash. Take two slices of white, pillowy bread, crush the chickpeas with a bit of salt, add a thick spread of lemon curd, and it’s a treat for the tastebuds.’
‘I can’t... I refuse to believe that.’ He rubbed his cheek. He couldn’t think of anything worse, apart from a big pile of haggis. He wasn’t an offal fan.
‘See, now you’ve laid down a challenge. I know what you’re getting instead of a choccy digestive next week.’
‘If I tell you I believe you, will you let me off the hook?’
He hugged the biscuit packet to his chest.
Peggy folded her arms. ‘I’m not sure. I might leave it as a surprise: what will you be treated to next week? A boring old McVitie’s, or one of my special creations?’
‘It’s hard enough for me to come here as it is.’
Peggy smiled. ‘I can’t wait to see the look on your face.’
‘The look of abject horror?’
‘The look of wonder. Right. Come on, bring your coffee. We’re going in.’
Ash stiffened. She’d lulled him into a false sense of security and now he was desperate to run for the door. And this was despite the mantra he’d been silently reciting since he woke up this morning, despite the fact that seeing Jess, finding out more about her, had made him even more determined to take this next step.
‘You can do it, you know,’ Peggy said gently. ‘It feels like the hardest thing in the world, walking through the next door, but you’re strong enough. And think about your mum, and Dylan all the way over in New Zealand. They’re counting on you, in their own ways.’
Ash nodded. He was doing this for his mum, and Dylan – well, he didn’t feel quite the same way Ash did – but he still couldn’t be here, with his young family in Aukland. Ash had to do this for all of them, and so far he had failed spectacularly. The only updates he’d been able to give them ran along the lines of:The waitingroom is nice and the staff are great, andno, I haven’t made it further than that but Ipromise you I will.It was time for him to keep his promise.
He stood up on legs that felt as if they had run up and down the Greenwich Park hill multiple times, instead of walking up and down once, and followed Peggy down a calming corridor, the walls a soft blue. Doors lined the hallway, brass numbers attached to the white-painted wood, as if they were normal flats with normal people and straightforward lives beyond them.
Ash imagined he could hear the muffle of low-spoken voices, confidences and apologies being shared, and the rhythmic beep of machines. But it was also entirely possible that he was imagining these things. Mostly, he could hear his heart pounding in his ears, the way his breath had shortened.
He wondered, stupidly, what Jess would think of him right now. She was tough, and slightly reserved – in a way that made him think she kept walls up to protect herself. It made sense, hearing about her upbringing. Would she tell him he was being pathetic, that he should get a grip?The thought of her shaking her head, rolling her eyes, or – this was far too much to hope for – wrapping her arms aroundhimthis time, telling him it would be OK, spurred him on.
Peggy stood next to the closed door like a sentry woman. ‘OK?’
Ash laughed. ‘Not really. But I need to do this.’
‘You’ll feel better, I’m sure. And once you’ve broken the seal, you can come back as often as you want. Say anything you want to.’
‘And will he...’ He cleared his throat, ashamed at the way fear churned up his insides. ‘Is he awake? Will he be able to hear me, if I speak to him?’
‘He does sleep a lot,’ Peggy said gently. ‘When I checked on him five minutes ago, he was sleeping. But even if he doesn’t wake up, he might be able to hear you. And, honestly?’ She waited for him to acknowledge her with a nod. ‘The important thing – for you – is that you get to say what you need to, in his presence. But if you’re not ready for that, if you just want to sit next to him, then that’s fine too. Ease into it as slowly as you like.’
Ash gripped the door handle. ‘I didn’t think I had a whole lot of time.’
‘We don’t know how much time there is. But you’re here, that’s what matters. And if you can only be in the room for five minutes, well – that’s more than last week.’
‘Right.’ Ash exhaled. ‘Right, let’s do it, then. Ready?’
He looked at her, needing reassurance, a sense of camaraderie, even though it wasn’t Peggy’s battle. His mum and Dylan were behind him, they wanted him to be here, but they weren’t here themselves, were they? He pushed down the surge of anger, and for a second let himself picture Jess’s face as they’d finally got the kite up in the air; the way she’d watched it soar, her eyes bright and her smile wide.
