Page 113 of Best Year Ever
He still doesn’t say anything, his face showing nothing. The only thing I know to do is to keep speaking and explaining.
“I’m so new at all of this. You’re the first man that I’ve ever wanted more with. My first relationship. It’s not an excuse for how I treated you, and I can promise you that I won’t ever do anything like this again. I never want to hurt you again.”
I can’t help the pleading that’s becoming pronounced in my tone. I start to worry that all of this isn’t going to be enough as I watch him maintain his stoic expression. Unable to stop myself, I keep going.
“I miss you, Landon,” I say, in a loud whisper full of longing.
He finally reacts, with a flash of sadness on his face. His eyes finally brighten with some emotion.
He takes a few seconds, opening his mouth and shutting it. Obviously trying to find his words.
Suddenly, he does. Three words full of weight.
“You hurt me,” he says in a pained voice.
I let out a sad sigh, rocked that I had caused him any amount of agony.
“You hurt me,” he says again. “But I can’t stop missing you either.”
My heart aches to hear so plainly what I’ve done to him. But I also feel a dash of relief seeping in from his other confession.
Both of us stay still as the air between us becomes heavy.
It’s everything I can do to keep myself from going up to him, giving him a hug, trying to take away the pain I caused.
But, even with my limited relationship experience, I know that wouldn’t be right in this moment. Landon needs to be the next person to speak.
After almost a full minute of silence, he finally does.
“Look, Rori. I do understand everything you said. I get all the pressure, the need to find things to lash out on, all of it. The biggest thing for me is trust. It’s so hard for me to be vulnerable with anyone because of the crap my parents put each other through, put us kids through,” he says, pausing for a moment.
“I totally get it,” I reply, looking in his eyes and then lowering my head. “I betrayed what we were building. Betrayed our friendship even. I feel so bad for how I acted, Landon.”
“Seeing you right now, I’m hurt, I’m angry. Cutting me off like that, it was brutal, Rori.” His voice is softer than his words, which sting my heart.
All I have to respond with is my honesty. “I know. I ruined us, one of the best things in my life, to deal with the worst things. I can’t pretend there was anything other than panic over all the press stuff behind what I did. But I swear, I swear, Landon—nothing like this will happen again.”
He shifts his body, putting two hands on the back of the table, squeezing the edge. “And you wantwhat, Rori? You want to be together again? Act like it didn’t happen?”
I look up sharply at his words. “No, it isn’t fair to ask you to act like it didn’t happen. But yes, I… I would like to try again. To be together again, if you can forgive me.”
“Forgive you?” he parrots back, a little softer, like he’s testing it out.
I nod. “If you can give me another chance. Yes, forgive me. I promise you that I’ve learned…well, I’ve learned a lot.”
“Like?” he asks.
“Starting with us, that if I’m ever emotional about something, I need to stop and take a minute. Then actually talk to you. Not shut you out like I did in Canada.”
He nods as I keep explaining.
“We let the whole going public question linger too long, and that was on me. I should have just had an honest conversation with you about my fears. I was scared of hurting you by telling you I wasn’t ready, so instead I melted down once stuff hit the fan in Toronto. I promise that won’t happen again. And I’m sorry. If I could repeat that a million times, I would. I’m sorry for how I acted.”
He stares back at me for what feels like an eternity. Finally, he sighs and lets go of the desk, crossing his arms with his back straight.
“Rori, nothing has been the same without you.” He whisps out the words like they’re painful. “I’ve missed us, so much.”
My heartbeat picks up. Maybe there’s still hope.
