Page 38 of Freeing the Wild
“I’m the target of online gossip right now.My manager is breathing down my neck to get back to work in an industry that drains me.And my public image is sort of in the toilet.Like I said, all things I know you can’t understand.”
Haden comes toward me with a plate in his hand.I take the toast laden with peanut butter and a side of fruit from him, and as I do, I look up and my eyes meet his.I can’t help myself, I let out a soft laugh.“Do you know how long it’s been since I ate bread?These hips don’t like bread.”
Haden grunts something under his breath as he puts his hands on his own narrow hips before clearing his throat.“You need something to soak up all that alcohol.Eat.”
His tone is deep and even but his eyes are soft, pleading.It’s a combination I don’t argue with as I start munching on the toast.
He sits down across from me with his own coffee and leans back.“I understand what’s it like to lose the limelight and have the rug pulled out from underneath you a lot better than you’d think, Princess.And whatever you say goes no further than the end of this sofa.”
I sigh as I take my phone out and pull up the video Dax sent me.
“It was taken by a concertgoer at my last show,” I tell him as he watches.
It’s me.Visibly shaking, with tears streaming down my face.Crying out “don’t make me go” and calling out for my dad.I’m completely out of it, struggling to breathe, with my hand on my chest.The video continues as two paramedics do their best to make me get up, to no avail until one of them picks me up, sets me on a stretcher and pushes me away.I can’t remember any of it.
I set my empty plate down on the coffee table as the video ends.Haden’s throat bobs as he swallows and hands me back my phone.
“Panic attack?”
“Yeah …” I affirm.“Familiar?”
He nods.“My mother used to have them.Might sound odd but you had the same look in your eyes she used to get.Like you weren’t really there.”
I lower my eyes.
“I wasn’t there,” I say.“I was seeing all sorts of things.That I was with my dad.But he died a long time ago.”
“Horses do the same thing.They can go into panic mode when they’re in fight-or-flight.”
“I think that’s what happened to me.I just shut down,” I say honestly.“The world likes to pretend they care when someone is dealing with something like this, but it seems like all that goes out the window when you’re in the public eye.I hid the truth from my fans when I canceled that show originally.We told them I’d caught a flu earlier in the day, which was clearly a lie when this video showed that I was backstage.My manager, Dax, has put out a statement asking the media to please respect my privacy as I rest and heal with family.”
“And you hoped people would,” Haden comments.
“I hoped they would understand.Some have sent me caring messages.But the internet is fucking cruel.Cruel and ruthless.In the last few days, I’ve read it all.”I smile and swipe a tear from my cheek.
“Some of my favorites have been ‘Her music isn’t that good anyway, hide as long as you want, Princess.’Or, ‘Way to use a tragedy as a tool to boost buzz about her.She’s probably in rehab.’”
I leave out the one that hurt me most: “She thinks she has it rough?Imagine the poor family of the woman who died.”Because she’s all I’ve thought about.
“So yeah, needless to say I’m about to give up on the music industry.People are so hurtful.”
“Fucking hell,” Haden mutters, looking back out the front window.
“So many times I’ve wished I could respond and tell them all it’s real.That I haven’t felt like changing my clothes in days.”I swipe away a tear.“That I’m a human being and thishurts.That the only thing I see when I close my eyes is that night.I feel it.I smell it.But I don’t reply because there’s no point.Anything I say will be accepted by some but twisted by others.Dax is certain that no response for a few days is the best option.Thenhe thinks I should take to my socials and apologize for not being honest.He says the best way through this is to weather it with grace.”
“Fuck grace,” Haden says instantly.
“Fuck it?”
“Yes.And fuck apologizing for keeping something traumatic private.Just because you’re in the public eye doesn’t mean you have to take everything lying down.”
“It’s the way of the world.If you want to make it, you keep your mouth shut.You smile and nod.Know your place or the world comes down on you.”
Haden shakes his head and leans back on my sofa, relaxing his thick jean-clad thighs and draping an arm over the back.
“No offense, but the woman I met five months ago didn’t give a shit about smiling and nodding for anyone.Including me.Where is that woman now?”
“I don’t know how to get back to her,” I say honestly, my bottom lip quivering.Haden stands and moves toward the front window of my cabin.He places his hands on his hips and sighs.
