Page 56 of A Shot at Love
It's an unavoidable conversation, but an important one. I nod at her to keep going.
The words come tumbling out in a rush. “The games, the scandal, I might understand. Trenton was ruining your life and disrupting the team. Maybe it would have distracted everyone even more if you had played. I don’t know.” Impossible situation after impossible situation. “But, Daniel…” I’m shocked to hear the hurt in Jadea’s voice. The hush that falls over her, the way she avoids my eyes, lets go of my hand. “How could you not tell me? Then or now? What did I do wrong?”
I take a deep breath, trying to focus. Finding the right words should be easy, but that’s never been my strength. I turn to look her in the eye. “I wanted to tell you, deep down. Something incredible was happening in my life, and it killed me that I wasn’t saying anything. That I was lying by omission.”
It’s true. All of it. Every day, I’d end our FaceTime call and wonder why I couldn’t just spit it out. Why did I feel tongue-tied? Awkward?
I hold her gaze, forcing myself to continue. “Jadea, you’re my best friend in the world. You’re loud, funny, compassionate, a natural-born leader. I want you on the court with me, I want you shopping with me and forcing me to try on a fuzzy bucket hat, I want you going to dinner with me and our moms. When you moved to St. Louis, to my school, I felt saved. By youandbasketball. Suddenly, we were a duo. The Jadea and Annie show. You spoke for both of us, and I liked it that way. We agreed on most things anyway; we understood each other.” I take a deep breath. “But when you left Stanford, I had to adjust. I suddenly had all this space in my life that I didn’t know what to do with.” I’m relieved to find Jadea watching me, actually listening. “I had to be the leader of our basketball team, facing a serious letdown in expectation and enthusiasm since you graduated. I had to listen to you talk about Nike shoe deals andTIME Magazinespreads, all while I was feeling anxious aboutgoing to a simple college party. And so, when Daniel and I got together…I kept it to myself. I was used to you setting me up on blind dates or calling me up to the karaoke stage or slipping people my number, and I guess I was worried what you would think. What if you hated Daniel? What if the one time I tried on my own, I chose wrong? What if you wanted me to be your single best friend and nothing more?”
The words are just as hard as I expected. When you love someone, it’s hard to say anything critical. But the truth was that Jadea sometimes eclipsed me.
And it was my fault for letting her.
I’m not surprised to see Jadea’s expression grow furious, but what she saysdoessurprise me. “Annie, you’re not the only one who struggled that year apart. I may have achieved a lot of my dreams, but I was also away from my best friend in the world. I was being followed by paparazzi. People on social media were commenting racist or homophobic things on my posts. Commentators were constantly analyzing whether I was ‘worth the hype. ’” Furious tears waver in her eyes, but she doesn’t let them fall. She hates crying. “I should have asked you about your love life, but I never did, and it’s not because I wanted you to bejustmy best friend. It’s because I wanted the Stanford years to stay perfect in my memory, to never change. I didn’t ask what had changed in your life because I didn’t want those memories of us playing together to be tarnished. And when you finally graduated, all I wanted was for you to come to St. Louis so we could start our life together. I thought I might feelthat same joy and comfort if we were together again. And I did. That’s all that mattered to me. I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking about how hard it was for you to be left behind.”
I remember those conversations about me moving to St. Louis to work with Jadea, even if I wasn’t drafted. How she seemed excited about slotting me into her new life. Now, I can see she was just anxious for a familiar face. For something in her life not to be catapulted into the public arena.
I scoot closer to her, pulling her into a fierce hug. I press our cheeks together, wrap my arms around her shoulders, squeeze her tightly. “I’m sorry, too. I guess we were both afraid of change.” I pull away, gesturing to the room. “That’s how I ended up in this motel room. I couldn’t adapt. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted, so I just froze.”
“And now?” Jadea watches my face. “Did you figure it out?”
I smile for her. It feels freeing. “I know what I want to say, Jadea,finally. I can’t be afraid to talk to the people I love. I can’t be afraid to stand up for myself. Trenton is basically ruined after Daniel’s show. It’s time for me to tell my side and stop worrying if I say the right thing. In fact, I might say exactly the wrong thing, but that’s okay. I need to try.” I nudge her shoulder playfully. “But I’m not some new person. You can still do most of the talking at press conferences. I hate those things.”
She laughs, wiping at her eyes. “Some things never change. But some changes are good.” She regards meseriously, her brown gaze holding mine. “Daniel is one of the good ones. He’s not perfect, but he’s good. And that’s what matters.”
I’m sniffling a little now, too. “I ruined things between us, Jadea. I accused him of trying to control my life after he told you about our relationship. He had all these plans for me, and I was so overwhelmed, I snapped. But he was just trying to help.”
Jadea laughs a little. “Daniel and I thought we were so smart, coming up with all these ideas to help you, but we pushed you over the edge. We didn’t stop and listen to you.”
I nod. “Maybe you weren’t listening, but Olabisi was right. I hardly ever say shit. Even when I should. Even when it really matters.”
Jadea rolls her eyes, dabbing her wet cheeks with her sweatshirt cuff. “Olabisi was such a pain this week. Her inner bitch was fully out.”
I laugh a little, thinking of Jadea and Olabisi every practice, debating and arguing over the plays. “But we love her. We’re a team.”
Jadea gets to her feet. “We’retheteam, Annie. We have a game to win Wednesday. You coming?” She holds out a hand.
I clasp it, letting her pull me up. “Yes, I am. And I think we’re going to win a championship.”
I may still be teary-eyed, but Jadea lets out a delighted whoop. I scurry around the room, gathering my things, but stop when Jadea checks her watch. “Shit! I promised Daniel I’d only be ten minutes.”
I freeze, only one sneaker on, the other shoe in my hand. “Daniel?”
Jadea rolls her eyes again. “You think he’d let me come here alone?” But I’m already moving, running out the door and into the parking lot. It’s dark out here, but we’re far enough from the city that a few stars sparkle in the velvet above.
I stop at the edge of the sidewalk, still with only one shoe on, and just stare at Daniel. The car is on, as though they were planning on kidnapping me and making a run for it if I refused to leave, but Daniel is pacing impatiently in front of it, his beautiful curls and lean figure haloed by the headlights.
“Daniel,” I choke out, bawling like a baby again.
His head snaps up, and there’s a flash of his half-dimple, his mole, those starry, starry eyes. His whole body is lined in light. “Annie.” He sounds like he wasn’t sure he’d ever see me again. As though he’s ravenous at the sight of me and my one shoe. “I’m so sorry.” He stays a few paces away. “About planning with Jadea behind your back. And…” he swallows nervously, “and the show, too. I wanted everyone to see Trenton as he was, and I wanted your approval to do the piece, but you weren’t answering your phone, and maybe you think I was trying to control your life again, which I’d never want you to fee—”
“Daniel.” My voice is soft, hoarse. “Stop, please.”
He stops and looks at me, shining and brilliant and angelic. “You didn’t make a mistake.” I take another step towards him, off the curb. “Idid, by running away. Youwere right; Iwashiding. I’m so sorry for shutting you out. I realize now that I’ve been focusing on all the things that have gone wrong rather than accepting the gifts that life has given me. Basketball. Jadea. My mom. And you.” I smile at him. “Daniel, you were the best gift I could have asked for.” I try to sound like a warrior, but there’s a little crack in my voice when I say his name.
I want Daniel to know that what he did for me was amazing. But now I have to come out of hiding and do amazing things, too. And I want him by my side if he’s willing to be.
He’s still staring at me like I’m an apparition, so I say, “Will you help me? Will you be…on my team?” The phrasing is awkward, but Daniel seems to understand.
