Page 107 of Nice Guys Don't Kiss Like That At Christmas
"You know that's not what happened."My tone comes out sharper than intended.Old habits.I take a breath, try again."Look, I'm not perfect, Frank.I screwed up with Faye in a lot of ways."
His eyebrows lift, clearly not expecting that admission.
"I was too wrapped up in being needed here," I continue."Too convinced I was irreplaceable at the clinic.Too stubborn to see there were options besides all-or-nothing."I've had enough late-night talks with Kellan to recognize my own patterns.Enough talks with my therapist.Shit, even enough talks with myself or the dogs at the clinic.
Frank crosses his arms."She took that job because it was her dream.You chose a town over her."
I stare at the snow-covered ground, remembering Kellan's words right after Faye left: "You hide behind this town so you never have to figure out what you actually want.And you strung her along when you weren’t ready to fight for her."My own brother, seeing through me when I couldn't see myself.
I look Frank in the eye."This town wasn't the problem.Being honest about what I wanted was."
"And what do you want now?"Frank challenges."Some nurse from Chicago who you lied to?Who'll be gone faster than you can say "Cape Cod"?"
I clench my jaw, restraining the urge to snap back."Eve isn't a replacement for Faye.She's not a solution to anything.She's—" I stop, struggling to find words that don't sound ridiculous.
"She's what?"
I exhale, watching my breath cloud the air."She's someone who knew me before I was Dr.Harrison.Who saw something in me worth knowing when we were two people talking in the dark.It was not fair to Faye because I was never that involved with her.I was showing her the parts of me I thought were what she needed.And yet, even with that, I didn’t put her first.I started dating Faye like a Band-Aid on my heartbreak.Only a few months after Eve ghosted me.It was wrong."I pause.“Eve's not a fix.I’m not trying to rescue her.And I’m not performing this time.I’m just showing up.For her.For me.For real.And I let her show up for me, too.”
Frank gives a low whistle.Not saying a word at first.
I continue, “I fucked it up.For me.But mostly for her.Playing a role to fit what I thought people expected of me wasn’t fair to Faye.She thought she loved me.But she loved a version of me.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t be the one you’re telling that to.”
“I agree.”
“I got mad at you because I saw the pattern.You did the same with Torie.”
“Torie?”Torie is a school teacher at the elementary school.
“From high school.Before Cassandra.You showed her a version of yourself that had her swooning and you broke her heart, too.You were a nice guy, but being nice isn’t always what’s needed.Being nice isn’t speaking up when you need to.Nice can be fake.”
“I learned that.I’m trying to be kind, now.”And then I continue, “You took Torie to prom,” I remember, and mutter.“If you still have it for Torie, maybe you shouldn’t string Dana along.”
Frank studies me for a long moment."I know.”He shakes his head.“Faye got back last week and she’s been trying to avoid you ever since.She’ll be at Rosie’s at six.I think talking could be good.Clear the air."
My stomach tightens.Even with Eve in my life, the thought of seeing Faye carries a weight of unfinished business.Of me doing something wrong.
"I'll text her," I say.
Mike wanders out with Rocky, tail wagging like he’s oblivious to the emotional minefield we’re standing in."Frank brought the holiday cheer, huh?"
I grimace."Faye's back in Pine Creek.And I fucked it up with her, didn’t I?"
"Yes.You stayed with her for all the wrong reasons and then when she got that job, you hid behind responsibilities.You stayed for the town, but it wasn’t the sole reason you didn’t go with her.”He pets Rocky and looks back up at me."You good with that?"
"I guess I'll find out.You know what Kellan told me?After she left?"
"That you're an idiot?"
"Besides that."I smile despite myself."He said I wouldn't know what I actually wanted until I stopped defining myself by what everyone else needed from me."
Mike nods slowly."Your brother's smarter than he looks."
"Occasionally," I agree, crouching to scratch Rocky’s ears.
"Speaking of smarts," Mike says, "when are you telling Eve you love her?"
